Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bill kreutzmann (Page 8 of 88)

Dire Wolfe

His name was Pigpen–it wasn’t, really; but that’s what the all the groovies and chickies called him–and he was first to be noticed. All eyes! no matter how doopy and drippy: there he was, not corpulent but solid behind a Vox organ, which is what all the garage bands–they’re called “garage bands” now in homage to their place of birth, even if it’s not true–are playing because it is far less dear than a Hammond or (God forbid) a piano. (“Can you imagine Pigpen playing a piano?” a barefoot girl asked me. “That’s what Shakespeare played!”) And then Jerry Garcia and his hair like a frozen storm cloud: black and tumultuous; he was not thin like the other members of the group, but nor was he as fat as Pigpen and he was so in a different way: a lazy weight, a seated weight, a joint-borne weight:::::::and then they began to make a sound like THRONGTHRONGDAKKA over and over::::::the drummer (who was introduced by a number of appellations: Bill, Billy, the Original White Negro) had several facial tics, and they competed and jousted: cheeks against eyelids in a holding pattern, gritted jaw coming around the flank.

The electric bass player is reportedly the smart one–almost five semesters at San Mateo Community College under the belt his old lady shoplifted from the Army surplus store–and he does not play like the black musicians who prefer an ostinato, instead wandering around the fretboard; sometimes like a cougar searching for prey, and sometimes like a senile pensioner searching for the house she lived in 40 years prior. The “cute” one is called Bob by men, or Bobby by girls, or WEIR! by the rest of the group: he is younger by a few years, and the Grateful Dead are all at an age when a few years matters.

And the rest! My God the hangers-on! Attendants, if you will. Burly brutes for lifting the delicate amplifiers and old ladies for fetching Cokes and skinny dudes in winklepicker shoes rolling numbers (no one calls them “joints” anymore; keep up, keep up) and engorged bikers in denim and leather–the only ones present drinking beer–and “with-it” negros and at least one nastily conspicuous newspaper reporter in a suit and tie.

Don’t forget the chickies! They are everywhere and eternally sixteen (if that); several have removed their blouses to reveal apple-dumpling breasts that remain static with the chickies’ torsos (gravity is a rumor to the chickies!) and they congregate–that is the word, congregate–beneath the “cute” one Bobby; they dance like deboned chickens in an earthquake and Bobby–WEIR!–smiles to himself and throws back his hair which is just as long if not longer than the chickies and 30 minutes, or maybe two, the band stops playing but the crowd keeps going.

The Grateful damned Dead!

Kreutzmann And Childd

“What the fuck is all this bullshit now?”

Billy?

“Nah. Down here.”

Baby Justin?

“Is that my name?”

Yeah.

“Question.”

Shoot.

“Explain the concept of names.”

No.

“This my dad?”

Yes.

“He a cowboy?”

No. A drummer.

“Is that better?”

Less saddle rash.

“Okay. Speaking of which–”

“–I’m back.”

You poop?

“I did.”

Nice.

“I gotta be honest: I thoroughly enjoy pooping. Then the lady comes in and shines me up. It’s all very civilized.”

Well, don’t get used to it.

“Why not?”

You only get, like, two years of pants-pooping. After that, you’re on your own.

“That’s fucked up.”

I hear you.

“Another question.”

Go to it.

“There’s another guy. Not this guy, but also hairy. He keeps whacking on me with mallets.”

That’s your Uncle Mickey. Just go with it. Wait. Soft mallets?

“Yeah.”

Okay. Yeah, just go with it.

“Gotcha. Let you in on a secret?”

Sure.

“I’m about to puke all over this motherfucker.”

Try and hit his mustache.

“Will do.”

Across The Lazy River

What is this?

“River life, Ass! Floatin’ and fuckin’!”

You’re an impressively single-minded man.

“I feel I owe it to the skank. And there’s nothing but skank on rivers. Lotta chicks in canoes trying to figure their lives out. Kind of a ‘Paddle, Pray, Love’ situation. So I give ’em the ol’ whitewater.”

Ew.

“It ain’t water.”

I know. That’s why I said “Ew.”

“Sometimes, I stick it in fish.”

Why?

“Slippery. And then after you fuck it, you can eat it. You’re not allowed to do that with human skank.”

No.

“And you wouldn’t want to. There’s a reason skank is called skank. That meat’s gone bad.”

Why are you like this?

“Cuz no one’s stopped me yet.”

True.

Just Humping And Drumming Across Those Desert Sands

“Thoughts on my Ass!”

Hey, Billy. Happy birthday, buddy.

“69.”

You’re 72.

“No, I was talking about what I wanted as a gift.”

Uh-huh.

“The 69 is the most socialist of all the sex moves.”

Sure. What’s the most capitalist sex move?

“Going in dry, then stealing her wallet while she’s crying in the bathroom.”

That does sound like capitalism.

“And then telling her it’s her fault for not working hard enough.”

You’re like the Thomas Piketty of skank, Billy.

“Oh, yeah. I got all sorts of theories.”

What are you doing on the beach?

“Trying to summon a mermaid.”

You wanna fuck a mermaid?

“Shit, no. They ain’t got the right parts for that. I mean, some of ’em are real chubby and you can stick it in their back fat, but it’s more effort than it’s worth. I was planning on eating ’em.”

Why would you want to eat a mermaid?

“Because I’m not a pussy like Tom Hanks.”

What?

“Falling in love with sea-mutants and whatnot. No wonder he died in World War Two.”

May I go?

“You didn’t have to show up in the first place.”

Man Of Kreutz

“Welcome back to the Radio Randy Show, listeners. We’ve got the one and only Bill Kreutzmann here with us. Hey, Bill.”

“Howdy, Randy. Just wanna say hi to everyone tuning in to the Dead Channel on SiriusXM.”

“Oh, we’re actually on JamOn.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“No.”

“Why don’t I just talk into my hat? Hell, I could talk into your ugly hat.”

“This isn’t about my hat, Billy.”

“You get a free bowl of soup with that?”

“Billy, let’s talk about Dead & Company.”

“First, I have many detailed questions about your ethnicity.”

“Such as?”

“You got a Chinafamily under that hat?”

“Inappropriate.”

“Fill in the blank: Make America _____ Again. Your options are ‘Great’ or ‘Mexico.'”

“Verging on insulting.”

“Answer this for me: were you a fan of ‘Ye last week or this week?”

“Can we move on?”

“Sure. Can you bring your dick a little bit closer?”

“How about a phone call?”

“Sure. Order me a pizza and an eight-ball.”

“Uh-huh. Caller, you’re on with Radio Randy and Bill Kreutzmann.

“THE KENTUCKY DERBY IS DEPRAVED AND DECADENT!”

“Hey, I know who that is! It’s that chick who looks like Bobby’s wife who’s always yelling about bullshit.”

“THIS IS LILIAN MONSTER AND I DEMAND ALL THE HORSES ARE RELEASED FROM SEA WORLD!”

“I don’t think there are any horses in Sea World, Lilian.”

“SEA HORSES!”

“Hey, honey? It’s Billy. Who’s that with you?”

“I DEMAND TO BE TOLD WHY YOU CAN SEE US!”

“Izzat Wonder Woman? Tell her I wanna feel her superboobies.”

“Um, hi. I am actually not Wonder–”

“You can keep that lasso of truth coiled up, sweetheart. Here’s the truth: I am engorged.”

“Who exactly am I talking to?”

“Jesus, what’s with that voice? You got a schwanz under that dress? Not a dealbreaker, but I’m gonna need some Schnapps.”

“Why am I being spoken to like this?”

“You don’t like the verbal stuff? Cool with me. Sit on my face and I’ll shut the fuck up.”

“Lilian, hang up the phone.”

“I STILL HAVE THINGS TO PROTEST!”

A Song Of Ice And Fire On The Mountain

Jeff Chimenti looks terrible.

OR

Did Billy’s shirt stop rendering at his nipples?

OR

Either the rest of Dead & Company needs platform shoes, or we have to cut off Josh’s feet. This is just unaesthetic.

OR

Get yourself a big-boy pair of suspenders, Mork.

OR

“LITTLE POTATO! THAT MAN STOLE MY DRAGONS!”

“Jesus, ‘Ye, not now.”

“MY DRAGONS ARE THIS BIG.”

“Wouldn’t that make them just lizards?”

“DO NOT QUESTION MY SKILLS AT HERPETOLOGY, LITTLE POTATO!”

“I do not want to be called that.”

“PRESIDENT TRUMP SHOULD PUT ME IN CHARGE OF THE VA. I WILL HELP THE SOLDIERS WITH MY FREETHINKING AND DOPENESS!”

“Why hasn’t Kim had you tranked yet?”

“MY BODY REJECTS THE POTIONS!”

“I completely believe that.”

“TELL FATTY TO WRITE FASTER!”

“I’m not gonna do that.”

Do I Hear Two Thousand?

“Thoughts on my Ass!”

Where are you getting all these children from?

“The mall. Bus stops. Wherever.”

Stop stealing children, Billy.

“Nah. The markup on ’em is astounding. I’ve completely stopped kidnapping dogs for the reward money. All about kids now.”

This is no good for anyone.

“Hey, I’m good to the little monkeys. Feed ’em, buy ’em some toys, give ’em beers.”

Beers?

“What? They’re not allowed to have alcohol. Just beers.”

Does he have a name?

“Probably.”

Do you know it?

“Huh. Pancho?”

No.

“Lefty?”

That’s a Dylan tune.

“Mata Hari?”

The boy’s name is not Mata Hari, Billy.

“What’s the difference? I yell out, ‘Hey, little fucker,’ and he pays attention. We’re simpatico.”

Give the child back.

“Give? No. Sell the child back. Do I have to explain this scam to you again?”

What if the parents don’t have enough money?

“Someone does. Someone’ll buy the kid. They’re a lot more valuable than you think. Gotta get white ones, though. People who buy children are racist as shit.”

Weird.

“But until he goes back, or to the highest bidder, I’m gonna teach him some stuff.”

We know. Skank.

“Other stuff, too.”

Like what?

“Wearing red ballcaps.”

Okay.

“Hating Phil.”

Sure.

“And skank. You were right: most of the lessons are skank-based.”

Stay away from kids, Billy.

“We’re all slaves to the free market, Ass.”

Billy And The Kid

“Watch my left hand, boy. This is how you control the skank. The right hand? That’s the finesse hand.”

Billy, stop teaching children about skank.

“I taught him how to punch dick. What else is left for a father?”

Anything else. Literally anything else.

“Nah, fuck that. I’m like Earl Woods. You know that black guy?”

I do. I wish you hadn’t referred to him that way, but I do know him.

“Shit, I got a bunch of other names for him.”

No, no, no. Let’s stand pat on “black guy.”

“Yeah, he’s an idol of mine. Took his kid out to the golf course when he was a baby, taught him the game. And now look how happy Tiger is.”

Tiger Woods seems like one of the most miserable human beings on the planet.

“But rich! And skank all over the place! Tiger’s got a great short game with the skank. Amazing putts.”

I see what you did there.

“Gotta start the kids early. Only way to get a head start. You know Mickey’s got a little boy, too, right?”

Yeah. Taro.

“Good kid, And, you know, I love Mickey like a brother. But I’ll be goatfucked if his kid is gonna out-skank mine. It’s like our song says: ‘One small boy of pride.'”

Point, Billy. One small point of pride.

“Ah, whatever. I don’t listen to the words. Y’know what I do listen to?”

Your dick?

“My heart! And my dick. Okay, you were right: I mostly listen to my dick. Sometimes, I listen to my nose.”

What does your nose say?

“‘Put cocaine in me.'”

Should have guessed.

Baby, Grand

Why do you keep stealing children?

“Hey, Thoughts on my Ass! Look! I got tykes.”

Where did they come from?

“Vaginas.”

Not what I meant.

“And balls. Kids are stored in the balls before they get scooched out the wowzer. This is basic stuff, man. Your dad should’ve had this conversation with you.”

I know where babies come from, Billy. I meant these specific children.

“They’re my grandkids.”

Oh, that’s sweet. How many grandchildren do you have?

“At least two.”

Sure. What are their names?

“Buddy and Sweetheart.”

No, that’s what you call them. What are their actual names?

“I got no idea. Remembering names is a mother’s job. I’m a grandpa: I pull quarters out of ears and eat gross shit in front of ’em. Good kids, though.”

All kids are good kids.

“Nah. Kids are just little people. Some of ’em are complete assholes. But these ones are all right”

Is your grandson playing with Bobby?

“Yeah. Weir’s yelled at him twice to slow the fuck down.”

The circle of life continues.

« Older posts Newer posts »