Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: dancing bears (Page 1 of 2)

Something Magnolia

Oh, what in the name of Jonathan Frakes is this?

“I’m taking the Sex & the City tour. Remember how the girls got cupcakes here?”

I didn’t watch the show.

“Remember how big cupcakes were?”

A little.

“We were so innocent then.”

Brent, stop wandering around New York City. Especially in those shoes.

“Why won’t you support my transition?”

Into a mascot or a woman?

“Either.”

Dude, make your outsides match your insides. I don’t care. Good for you. Just saying that sparkly silver flats aren’t the right choice for that outfit.

“You’re commenting on my shoes?”

Yes.

“Please tell everyone about the last pair of shoes you bought, and then tell them the reason.

Bright red Adidas, and I purchased them because I saw Billy wearing them and I thought they looked cool.

“Can I close my case?”

Yeah, probably. Hey, Brent?

“Uh-huh?”

There’s a tourist couple coming up the street behind you and to your left. They look European. Jump out and scare the shit out of them.

“Done.”

A Mostly-Pointless Moment With Brent

Brent?

“Hey, buddy.”

Um, hi.

“Haven’t been in a story in a while.”

Well, it’s shit like this, Brent.

“This is my truth.”

Are you wearing women’s shoes?

“That’s my truth, too.”

Stop it.

“I’m a transvestite now.”

We don’t use that word anymore, I don’t think.

“I died in 1990. You’re lucky I didn’t use one of the other common terms.”

There’s just so much going on with you, buddy.

“Do I get to go to Singapore and hang out with Kim Jong-Un?”

No.

“Aw.”

If You Want To Destroy My Sweater

I’m gonna judge the fuck out of you. Right up front: if I see you wearing this, I will judge you until my knees go weak. (And, yes, I know that John Mayer has one; I stand by my statement.) Why, Grateful Dead, why? Did you see a market opening in the “chilly grandmas” demo? Who approved that two-tone? What is that collar’s form and function? I feel bad for the wool. It could have been a child’s favorite winter hat, but instead it got knitted into an ugly sweater.

Bright side: you can give these to homeless people when it gets cold.

This is official merch, too, and because the Grateful Dead is dedicated to sustainability and related whatnottery, there’s a photo essay about where the sweaters come from, and how the sweaters were all raised cage-free and fed grass.

Look:

Oh, excuse me. Don’t mind if I take out my hand fan.

FWAP

flapflapflap

How do you do, muscly farm boy?

“Um, hello, sir.”

Call me daddy.

Excuse me.

Get out of here. I’m making a run at Farmer Brown.

He’s a healthy-looking young man.

I want him to treat me like he’s treating that sheep.

Can you stop sexually harassing photographs and get back to insulting sweaters?

It all sounds so meaningless when you say it like that.

Gee.

Okay, look at this. It’s where they dry the wool, or blanche it, or braise it. Perhaps there is a ceviche involved, I did not bother to read the captions.

The entire Industrial Revolution culminated in the production of that sweater, Enthusiasts. And this one:

Look how embarrassed the model is. (This was the best take; in all the others, he’s covering his face with the hat.)

And they’re $470 fucking dollars.

Sell tee-shirts, Grateful Dead.

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