Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: don was (Page 1 of 2)

It Gets A Hat When It Earns A Hat

What is this all about?

“The, uh, Wolf Bros have taken on a Pup.”

Don’t call him that.

“Kid’s coming on the tour with us. He’s gonna be New Josh. Just as cute, and far fewer regrettable interviews. And, uh, I can pay him much, much less. Kid’s a winner all the way ’round.”

Do you know his name?

“Not as such. But I could pick him out of a crowd. Especially if the crowd was made up of the Wolf Bros. He stands out.”

Matt Jaffe is his name.

“Oh, no. Matt is Matt Busch’s name. Can’t have two Matts on one bus. Terrible luck.”

Is it?

“It’s like going to the theater when you’re named MacBeth. Bad hoo-doo.”

Didn’t know that.

“Way more name-related superstitions than you’d imagine.”

I learned something here.

I’m Trying To Use The Phone

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Wriggling away from Parish.”

I see that. What’s the matter?

“Well, you know I love the guy.”

Sure.

“The man’s my brother. Parish has even, uh, been my Parish on many occasions.”

A Rock Star needs his Parish.

“Knight’s nothing without a squire. Can’t even get on his horse.”

The armor was heavy. What’s going on with Parish?

“He won’t stop bugging me about investing in his weed company.”

That doesn’t seem so bad.

“Uh-huh. Literally every white person I’ve met in the past decade has bugged me to invest in their weed company. It’s been, like, my number one conversation for a while.”

I can see that happening.

“Now that I mention it, it seems obvious, right?”

A little. Why don’t you just start a damn weed company? Mickey’s got one. Hell, Garcia’s got one, and Texas was still executing pot smokers when he died.

“True, yeah. I just don’t wanna be a bad role model for my girls.”

Didn’t you recommend to one of them last week that she take LSD for her migraines?

“I didn’t recommend it. I presented it as an option.”

Ah.

We Resown Algeria

Hey, Bobby. That man needs some sun.

“You should see him up close. He’s the color of truck stop sushi.”

Truck stops have sushi?

“They have everything now. Truck stops have improved at an astonishing rate over the course of my lifetime. Used to be there were communal showers and real ugly hookers and the cafes served a dish called pastahoochie that you could only get at truck stops.”

Pastahoochie?

“It was like chop suey with a reddish sauce that was advertised as Italian in origin. Usually there was some beef in there. Beef byproducts, maybe. This was the old days, remember: sometimes, you got byproducts.”

Right.

“Only at truck stops, though. But now there’s chain restaurants and everything. There’s stops out there so big there’s room for competing brands. Like, you got a McDonald’s and a Burger King. That’s the big tent Reagan was talking about.”

If you say so.

“They got four haircutting bays. The barbershop is a rectangle, right? Customer seats along the long sides, waiting are in the front, shampoo stations in the back.”

Yeah, Bobby. A barbershop.

“Four of ’em. Lined up. And busy, too. I’ll match our truck stops up with China’s best any day of the week.”

I don’t know, man. China builds big and she keeps laying down highway. There are bound to be some gigantic stops over there.

“Sure, yeah. But can you buy an assault rifle at any of them?”

Absolutely not.

“Freedom wins again.”

Sure. Bobby?

“Uh-huh?”

Will you yell at your bandmates, the werewolf and the disgraced surfing instructor, for dressing too casually?

“No. I’m, uh…no.”

Okay/

A Terrible Poem About Tradition

Whither the All-Star Super Jam?
Everybody, everybody
Everybody on stage for the All-Star Super Jam.

It’s in D
No, not A
B flat?
Fuck off with that, man
It’s in D.

Somebody
Grab Ringo
Set up a kit for Ringo
He’s gotta do it
Wouldn’t be right to All-Star Super Jam without Ringo.

You’ll take a solo
Then I’ll take a solo
And he’ll take a solo
It’s in D, remember.

Jesus Died For Someone’s Jams, But Not Mine

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Honestly? No clue. Am I at a Dead show? There’s a little kid wandering around the stage unsupervised, and that happened at pretty much every Dead show.”

No, I think this is a charity thing.

“Ah. Fellow on the bass is awful boisterous.”

He’s got an energetic stage presence.

“I can see. We, uh, never got up to much of that in the Dead. Mostly just stood there. I had a couple moves. Did the Lunge. Gave the fans the High-Knee once in a while. Lotta stuff going on with my neck.”

Yup. Those are your moves.

“Phil tried skanking for a couple shows.”

The reggae dance?

“Yeah. Turns out it’s not that easy. False advertising.”

I guess.

“Question.”

Shoot.

“What the hell happened to Emmylou Harris?”

That’s not Emmylou Harris. That’s Patti Smith.

“Ah. She is the warrior.”

No, you’re thinking of Patty Smyth. This is the Patti Smith from CBGB’s.

“She’s a punker?”

Yes.

“I’m having a wild night.”

You sure are.

Man, He Can

Hey, Bobby. Did you know that Regina King’s name means Queen King?

“I have no idea who you’re talking about.”

Sure.

“Now, the clean-cut fellow to my left…is he secretly a mannequin?”

No.

“Like in that movie, Mannequin?”

He is not.

“Heck of a love story, Mannequin. And Kim Catrall. Easy on the eyes, that lady.”

It was a decent film.

“Decent? C’mon. It was part of the Catrallogy. Porky’s, Police Academy, and Mannequin. Heady days back then for a young starlet.”

What the fuck are you talking about?

“My shoulder hurt.”

And now?

“Much better.”

Ah.

Some Get Lei’d, Some Get Screwed

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Same ol’ shit.”

This one of those VIP gigs?

“Oh, yeah. Amazing how much folks’ll pay to get close enough to smell Don Was.”

What does he smell like?

“Weed and annuities.”

Sure. Hey, Billy.

“Ass! Look at all these suckers!”

They’re fans, Billy.

“Rich dumbfucks is what they are. We’re just gonna play the same songs tonight.”

But they get an experience.

“They sure will. I farted on the canapes.”

Great. Hey, Don Was.

“GRRRRR.”

Are those Yeezys?

“GRRRRR.”

Awesome.

Wolf Sibs

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Karate.”

I see that.

“I’m up to six invisible planks of wood.”

Wow.

“It’s all in the hips.”

Sure. Has Jay Lane always been that size?

“Oh, yeah. It’s, uh, hell feeding him.”

I’ll bet. You got yourself a lady Wolf Bro, huh?

“Yup, yup. She’s a hell of a bass player.”

Any idea what her name is?

“No. None whatsoever. But, you know, she’s easy to pick out of a crowd.”

Distinctive hair.

“Girl’s got curls.”

Tal Wilkenfeld.

“And, uh, Alaikum Salaam to you.”

No, that’s the young woman’s name.

“Good for her.”

Here Wolf

Hey, Bobby. Happy birthday, buddy.

“Yeah, uh, thanks. The big seven-one.”

Is that big?

“For me. All of my best years have been when my age was a prime number.”

Okay. Your family do anything special for you?

“They called. I’m in Reno.”

Ew.

“Not a great town. It’s pretty much Vegas for dirtbags. And, you know: Vegas is Vegas for dirtbags.”

You excited about the Wolf Brothers tour?

“You betcha. Tons of fun. Although, uh, I didn’t know that Bob knew how to play stand-up bass.”

Bob?

“Dylan.”

Bobby, that’s not Bob Dylan.

“Well, then, he should stop screwing up the arrangements.”

The Van Halen Brothers Look Terrible

Hey, Sammy Hagar.

“WOO!”

Why are the chevrons facing downwards? What rank would that be?

“WOO!”

Nice to see you, too. Hello, Don Was.

“GRRRR.”

Are you a werewolf now?

“GRRRR.”

I guess you’re a werewolf now. Hey, Bobby.

“Howdy.”

I see you’re doing Bobby Picture Pose #2.

“Bringing the old girl back. Hadn’t, uh, broke her out in a while, but it turns out it’s just like riding a bike.”

Sure.

“You just put your hand on your chin and don’t smile.”

Easy as pie.

“Terrible saying. Pie is actually much more complicated than you’d think. And even if you get it right, someone’s just gonna steal it off your windowsill as it cools.”

I never thought of that. Piece of cake.

“Similarly complex. And, uh, it’s a possible security risk. Might be a file hiding inside there.”

Easy peasy?

“Yeah, okay. Peas are a snap.”

I see what you did there.

“Hey, man: I got a new dog, a new band, and the Corvette’s running again. Everything’s coming up Bobby.”

Seize the day.

“Yup, yup.”

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