Tag: donald trump (Page 21 of 32)

“Thank you, yes, nice. Great. Sit. You can sit. This is a good thing, everybody standing for me. I like it. Walked in on Chris Christie the other day, he’s on the toilet. He stands–very respectful, nice–but I leave the door open. Everyone’s looking, laughing. Christie starts crying. Fun. I enjoyed that.

“This has been the most successful first month of any president ever. Ever. Many of the shows are saying that, high rated ones. Stock market is through the roof. Hillary, who is still crooked even though she is now a loser, would have burned down the stock market. Burned it to the ground, first day. For Trump, the market responds. Do I get the credit? No. Why? Because the press is very dishonest.

“The media of this country are all criminals. Joe and Mika should be thrown in prison, and I’ve ordered Jeff Sessions to look into that. He’s great, Jeff. Legally, I’m taken care of. Fantastic man, and I think I did a wonderful job choosing him. He’s going to write us another travel ban, leave the word Muslim out. That way these idiot judges won’t know. We have some very, very stupid judges in this country. I would have been a great judge.

“A couple minutes I’m gonna talk, and then I’ll take questions from friendly reporters and maybe one from a black reporter.

“Since I have become president, I’ve done incredible things. We are cracking down on illegal aliens, and no one in the biased and hateful media will write about it. Every illegal alien off the streets is four fewer rapes. That’s a fact, believe me. Not the kind of fact you find in the New York Times, which will probably be going out of business next week. That’s a real fact. Less illegal voting, too. And protests, don’t forget. CNN wants to talk about chaos, protests, whatever. All those people out there are illegal aliens paid by my enemies. Maybe CNN is paying the protestors?

“This weekend I go to Florida so I can take my message directly to the American people, and the press has been very unfair about Florida. Mar-A-Lago, which has memberships available, is a working vacation. I’m not, you know, screwing around like Obama. I work. Last weekend, I had the President of Japan over. Abe. Great guy, very highly respected, big league guy over there. He raved about Mar-A-Lago, by the way. Service, grounds, everything. Loved it. ‘Is so beautiful, Mister Plesident.’ He said that to me over and over. They got those accents. Great guy.

“Okay, let’s take some questions. You.”

…

“I asked for Mike Flynn’s resignation because he didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing at all, great guy. Very strong. The problem was that you reported what he did, which you weren’t supposed to know and also didn’t happen because he didn’t do anything wrong. Did he call Russia? Was he not supposed to? Russia is a very powerful nation. Shouldn’t they be our friend? Maybe Mike Flynn was calling just to say hi. Maybe he misdialed. Meant to hit six, he hit seven, and boom: Russia. Rude to hang up.

“I looked. You didn’t look because you’re not there. I’m there. I look, and when I look, I know. Did he do anything wrong? I didn’t think so, but because of the fake news and lies. So he didn’t do anything wrong, but then when he told the vice-president what he didn’t do he didn’t remember what he hadn’t done wrong. Not good. Plus the lies of the media, so I had to let him go. You’re fired, I told him, and the American people know that I will fire people, even thought they did nothing wrong.

“This Arnold Schwarzenegger, bad guy. Sad. Looks very old on teevee. Ratings are in the toilet. The toilet. You know what? His situation is the reverse of mine: I get handed a diasaster and make it great. He got a spectacular show, a fanstastic show, a proven winner. What does he do? Destroys it, just like Obama almost destroyed America.

“Okay, another question. You.”

…

“I have the full confidence and support of our intelligence community, which is very incompetent and anti-American, but these leaks have to stop. They’re probably treason. One of the shows said it. Kimberly Guilfoyle, I think. Smart woman, very smart. Keeps herself in tip-top shape. Getting older, but still high quality. Kimberly said it! Treason, and I have instructed General Mattis to provide me with a plan to bomb the MSNBC studios. Although, you know: they’re in Secaucus, so no one would notice.”

“Next question. The little Jew?”

…

“Anti-Semitic? Y’know, it’s odd how only Jews accuse me of being anti-Semitic. Very odd. Like a built-in thing with you people. I am the least anti-Semitic person you’ve ever met. Ivanka, who has been treated very poorly, is married to a Jew. I haven’t retweeted a Nazi in months. How dare you even bring that up? I’m gonna remember you said that. I should make you wear something to remind me what you did. A badge, something.

“Next question as long as it isn’t about Russia. You.”

…

“What did I say? We’re done with Russia. I answered that question.”

…

“Yes I did.”

…

“Should they be our enemies? Hillary Clinton, who I beat by more than 10 million votes, gave Putin all of our uranium. You know what uranium is? Bad stuff. Big league bad. If Putin is such a rotten guy, then why did Loser Hillary give him all our uranium? He didn’t even want it! She called him. How come when Hillary calls Putin, she gets rewarded? Very unfair.

“Russia is a ruse. That’s where the name Russia came from. Ruse. Believe me, I saw it on one of the shows. There’s no Russia. There’s no Russia. The lying media, many of who are similar to the man who asked me if I was an anti-Semite, have invented Russia. There’s no Russia. It’s a ruse. Chicago is on fire. The whole city. The blacks have set Chicago on fire, and the unfair and cruel press is talking about Russia.

“Next. You.”

…

“The difference between fake news and real news is whether or not the news is real. Sometimes I see stories that are crazy. I’m in the room. I know what happened, and then when I see what happened written in the paper because it got leaked out, that’s when what happened becomes fake news. The press should be ashamed of itself for trying to find out what happened, and then ashamed of itself again for printing it.

“My phone calls should be private. Great calls, the best calls. I call Mexico and had a great call. President Nieto agreed to pay for the wall. That’s what he said, believe me. I had a great call with whoever the guy who runs Australia is, great call. He said that Australia would help pay for the wall. That’s what kind of deals I’m getting for America.

“Last question. The black.”

…

“The inner cities are carnage. Carnage. I wish I could save all the beautiful, beautiful blacks but at this point I am thinking about sending the Army into Chicago. And that would be sad, because I got a much higher percentage of the black vote than anyone in the crooked media predicted. Many blacks, the smartest blacks, voted for me. Getting gunned down, so I may have to send in troops.

“That was an excellent question. You speak well for a black. Do you know Patti LeBelle?”

…

“Okay, okay, whatever. Have Patti  call me. Next question.”

…

“No one can tell me why we shouldn’t be best friends with Russia. No one. Should I hang up on Putin like I hung up on whatshisname from Australia? Putin says very, very nice things about me. He is very respectful and strong. Called me after my spectacular victory and congratulated me. Hillary was going to reset, but then she gave them Uranium. I’ve never spoken with Putin.

“What time is it? Noon? Okay, I’m gonna go watch Fox. Harris Faulkner, one of my favorites. A fair black. Okay, I’m gonna fix America. Bye.”

Hi.

“You look Jewish.”

Wow, this is off to a good start.

“Oh, you took that as an insult? Why? Do you think looking Jewish is bad? Sounds like you’re the anti-Semite.”

Can we just do this?

“Yes. Unlike liberals, I have a job to get back to.”

Uh-huh. Okay, so you voted for Donald Trump?

“I had to.”

You had to?

“Well, people kept calling me an idiot for voting for him, so I sure showed them.”

You did.

“And now they’re all crying and scared.”

Why do you sound happy when you say that?

“Because the sadness and fear of others gladdens me. It makes me feel better than them.”

Okay. So, how do you think the president is doing so far?

“He’s doing great!”

How so?

“WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ATTACK HIM?”

I was just asking you to elaborate.

“GIVE HIM A CHANCE.”

Okay, I will: here is the chance. Explain why you think he’s doing great.

“How about the Muslim ban?”

The Muslim bad was already struck down.

“It wasn’t a Muslim ban. Who ever said it was a Muslim ban?”

You. Just now.

“I was being sarcastic.”

Oh.

“Islam is a hateful, loathsome, degenerate ideology whose practitioners aren’t fit to live with decent humans, but it wasn’t a Muslim ban.”

Wait: if the first clause of your predicate is true, then wouldn’t you rightfully desire the second?

…

“What are you, some kind of professor?”

Forget it.

“Hillary is so corrupt.”

We weren’t talking about her.

“Soooooo corrupt.”

Different subject.

“She shoves calzones up little boys’ asses.”

I don’t think she does.

“Hillary Clinton is the head of an international ring of billionaire perverts that can only achieve orgasm through stuffing Italian foodstuffs up the buttholes of children.”

Sure, fine. Let’s talk about Russia.

“Russia? Jesus, you leftists will believe anything.”

There seems to be evidence of collusion between–at the very least–several members of Trump’s team and high-ranking Kremlin officials.

“Wow, collusion? Awesome! Time for some collusion around here. Last 8 years: no collusion at all. Look at West Virginia, look at Michigan. There’s no collusion there at all, and that’s why Trump won. America needs to get back to collusion.”

You don’t know what ‘collusion’ means, do you?

“I’m sure you have your own definition that you read in a liberal dictionary.”

Let’s move on.

“Noah Webster was a shill for George Soros.”

I said, let’s move on.

“Why? You triggered?”

Sure, that’s it. Can we get back to Russia?

“What do you have against Russia?”

The knowledge of their history.

“Why wouldn’t we want to be friends with Russia? We should be friends with every country.”

What about Australia?

“No, fuck them.”

Mexico?

“Bad hombres.”

Canada?

“Cuckada.”

Germany?

“Current Germany or the one from 70 years ago?”

Current.

“Pass. Do you know that every German citizen is now required to learn Arabic and pray to Mecca five times a day?”

I did not know that because it isn’t true.

“Fine, stay in your echo chamber. I’ve got this great YouTube video that explains the whole thing.”

I’m good.

“President Trump should make Germany great again, too. Next Executive Order should be a Muslim ban for Germany.”

How would that work?

“It would work awesomely.”

What do you think of all the leaks coming out of the White House describing chaos, in-fighting, and an out-of-touch executive?

“50% of those leaks are fake news, 50% are from Obama staffers still working there, and 50% are straight-up Jew lies.”

That’s 150%.

“I know. Because that’s how hard they’re working to bring down this president.”

This was fun.

“Let’s do it for eight more years.”

Or eight more weeks. Whichever.

“Good morning, Mr. Hamzeh? Hamzeh? Am I pronouncing that right?”

“No.”

“Good. American policy now mandates mispronouncing foreigners’ last names. My name is Agent Orange. How can I help you?”

“I have been told to come to this office for extreme vetting.”

“Wonderful. Let’s get started. First question. Where do you get off thinking you’re a human being?”

“Excuse me?”

“You know: deserving of safety, shelter, and the protection of law. You think you deserve that?”

“I do.”

“Wow. Nervy little fucker, aintcha? Okay, let’s keep going: you are foreign?”

“From your perspective, yes.”

“You wouldn’t happen to be Russian, would you?”

“No.”

“This would be a lot easier if you were. Sure?”

“Not Russian. It is, in fact, because of the Russians that I am seeking asylum.”

“Still: it’d cut down on the paperwork something fierce. Ah, well. What kind of terrorist are you?”

“Excuse me?”

“The United States never excuses terrorism.”

“I meant that I did not understand the question.”

“You a shooter? Bomb guy? You’re not one of those truck fuckers, are ya?”

“Truck…?”

“Steal a garbage truck and drive it through a crowd. That’s just cheating.”

“No. I am none of those things. I owned a pet shop. Mostly fish and aquariums.”

“What I’m hearing is that you plan on poisoning the water supply.”

“You should not be hearing that.”

“But, I am. Loud and clear.”

“This was not what I was saying, so I don’t know why you’re hearing it.”

“Mr. Hammock–”

“Hamzeh.”

“Hamper.”

“Hamzeh.”

“Y’know what? I’m just gonna call you Mohammad, how about that?”

“That would be fine; my name is Mohammad.”

“Then I’m not calling you Mohammad.”

“I had a hunch.”

“How would you describe your feelings about President Trump?”

“I would feel very grateful towards him if he were to allow me to come to America.”

“I’m gonna show you two pictures, and I want you to tell me which one contains the larger crowd.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“It’s very important!”

“Okay, okay.”

PICTURE-SHOWING NOISE

…

“This is a trick question.”

“Mr, Hummus, I assure you it is not.”

“It must be.”

“Choose.”

POINTING NOISE

“Excellent work.”

“It was obvious what the right answer was.”

“Great. Lightning round: you tired?”

“So very.”

“Hungry?”

“I had lunch.”

“Poor?”

“My pet shop was destroyed.”

“Huddled mass yearning to breathe free?”

“No and yes.”

“I need one answer.”

“I don’t want to lie. As you can see, I am neither huddled, nor a mass.”

“The Trump administration is not great at counting.”

“I am a huddled mass; I yearn to freely breathe.”

“Excellent. If Emma Lazarus was in charge, you’d be set. Man, did you pick a terrible time to be a refugee.”

“I suppose I did.”

“Early 1900’s? Shit, we were letting anyone in, as long as they weren’t Chinese. Say, you’re not a wealthy Chinese businessman, are you? I could let you right in if you were.”

“I am not.”

“Too bad. Okay, now the obstacle course.”

“The what?”

OBSTACLE COURSE DOORS OPENING NOISE

“It’s extreme vetting, sir.”

“Are those crocodiles?”

“No, sir. They are alligators.”

“Can you send me back to Syria, please?”

“Absolutely.”

…

“Right after the obstacle course.”

“I was told that the streets of America were paved with gold.”

“Now they’re paved with alligators.”

“I see that.”

Good evening, sir. Would you like to tell us your name?

“I’m gonna blow it up.”

Okay. So, you’ve come down to Washington to support Donald Trump. Can you tell us what it is about the president-elect that inspires you?

“It’s all gonna burn.”

Uh-huh. Was it his economic plan?

“You’re gonna burn. All the weak will burn.”

Sure. And what do you think about his cabinet picks?

“Rick Perry’s a great choice.”

Thanks. Back to the studio.

• “Thank you for that question, Senator. I believe that Muslim children deserve to learn about Jesus Christ, as well.”
• “I’m sorry, but you said school ‘bus?’ I’ve not heard this word before. Is it short for something? School business? I would love to talk about school business.”
• “Fourth grade is the one after third, am I getting that correct?”
• “I have yet to hear a good argument why schools shouldn’t provide value for their shareholders.”
• “Microchipping the children is not off the table.”
• “There’s a lot of discussion about whether education is a right or an entitlement.”
• “Senator, I resent that implication; I most certainly have stepped foot in a public high school. I had mistaken it for a Friendly’s, but that still counts.”
• “I think federal law should be left up to the states.”
• “At least six elementary schools are beset by wolves every year, Senator. The mainstream media doesn’t report that. Dozens of children eaten, plus the class hamster. If every teacher was required to carry an uzi, then all of those children would be alive today. And the hamster.”
• “I thank you for that question, and believe that, uh, yes we should have standards. It is very important for everyone to hold him or herself to a standard. High one, real high. Ohhhh, teaching standards. Yes, I think teachers should have standards, too. Thank you for the question.”
• “Yes, I do have absolutely no experience in public education and my brother controls an army of mercenaries. Why do you ask?”
• “There are some scenarios in which I can see putting the children into a Hunger Games-type situation.”
• “Turning the nation’s hall monitors into a paramilitary group is a sound decision.”
• “In a suburb of Cleveland, a grizzly bear masqueraded as a chemistry teacher for an entire semester. That bear gained the school’s trust, and then it ate the entire marching band. That could not have happened if we armed the drum majors.”

We’re dealing with assholes. You can use all the fancy words you learned in college that you like–nihilists, Know-Nothings, Paleo-conservatives, fascists, Alt-Right, whatever–but these people are assholes. The President-Elect, the defiantly clueless team he’s assembled, the gleeful liars he employs to wag their dicks at the earnest actors portraying journalists on cable teevee, his drooling and sycophantic followers: assholes.

“Typical liberal hyperbole,” the assholes will say. “It is, in fact, this kind of behavior that forced us to vote for Trump. Had you not pointed out his utter lack of qualification, or the sucking and shit-stained sphincter that exists where his soul should be, then we may not have had to vote for him.”

And then they will say,

“Whatever happened to ‘When they go low, we go high?'”

And you must remember this, remember this at all times: no matter what they say, they don’t mean it. Words, to an asshole, are not promises; they are weapons, shields, traps. The specific gobbledygook is irrelevant. What they mean is this: Fuck You.

You’re not a Real American® like them. Maybe you’re poor. A faggot, a nigger, or a spic. What’s your last name? Tell me your (((last name))). Maybe your daddy didn’t mean anything to anyone but you. Cripple? Retard? Could be you’re just one of those fucking weirdos. Or a woman.

(And Jesus fucking Christ don’t bring up the popular vote. Trump won that, too, if you count the Real American® votes twice like the Founding Fathers intended. Hilary only won that because of the cities. You know who lives in cities.)

The words don’t matter, just the message: Fuck You.

I quoted Lincoln; I’ll so so again:

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battle-field and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union when again touched–as surely they will be–by the better angels of our nature.

That was his first inaugural speech, and he was wrong. There are some who have no better angels to their nature, and others still whom deserve enmity. The destroyer of America is my enemy, whether he be born in Moscow or Manhattan, and now is the time to choose sides.