Tag: donald trump (Page 20 of 32)

The secret to immortality, at least until he gets us all killed, is having Donald Trump as the president, because every day feels like a million years; he is the Teddy Roosevelt of incompetent disgraces: he packs so much into 24 hours. Remember when every limpdick fuckhead on the teevee elbowed each other out of the way to call him “presidential” because he managed to give a speech without melting down? (You know who gave speeches? No, not Hitler. Me. Stood up in front of my third grade class and read the Gettysburg Address. Giving speeches is not all that impressive.) Remember that?

THAT WAS FOUR DAYS AGO. Seems like months, right? And maybe you’re saying, “Yes, TotD, we know about the perjury thing with the AG.” I would say to you, “Keep up, slopkins.” There’s something new today, because there’s something new every fucking day with this guy.

TotD presents the first (or only) of what will (or might or might not) become a running segment:

The Daily Recounting.

(NOTE: Just the past 24 hours. Literally only the past 24 hours. And I’m probably not going to link to any news sites or anything: this is just a summary, and both you and I know that you should not be relying on me for the news.)

Very early this morning, Donald Trump was left unsupervised for ten minutes and started what will most likely be the worst political crisis since Watergate. He also insulted Arnold Schwarzenegger.

This is what the president tweeted–and if the phrase “This is what the president tweeted” doesn’t make you want to cry until you shit yourself, then I don’t think I can hang out with you–this morning.

If you put aside the fact that presidents are bound by statute from ordering wiretaps and the fact that wire tapping someone would be Nixonian rather than McCarthyism; if you put aside the fact that meeting ambassadors is what the president does, and that 22 times in 8 years sounds about right; if you put aside the dreadful use of quotes for emphasis that shows him for the thickwit he is and–in my estimation–should be grounds for impeachment on their own; if you put all these aside, then there’s nothing really left to discuss.

Except for the fact that President Trump–it hurts my fingers to type that–has backed himself into a golden corner. There are only two options now: either there was a legitimate surveillance operation authorized by the FISA court, or President Obama is some sort of were-Nixon and a full moon came out last November, causing Obama to start ordering illegal wiretaps.

(Also: I guaran-fucking-tee you that the ninny thinks men in ski masks broke into Trump Tower and physically planted tiny microphones all over.)

Moreover, by publicly commenting on the investigation, Dumb Donald might have declassified the investigation

“Very sacred.” I wish there were a Hell, I truly do. He’d be down on the ninth level with Judas and Brutus and Cassius, and he’d be eaten by Satan forever and ever, and though I would necessarily be in Hell to witness this, my heart would reside in Heaven with the Lord.

“Tapp.” Y’know what? I don’t care if there’s a Hell or a Heaven: I just want to blow my brains out. This idiot thinks Gene Hackman is sitting outside in a van with a pair of headphones on.

Now: this is real. He’s lying about all the details, but the fact of the investigation is inarguable; the White House counsel spent today desperately trying to get ahold of the order. How do we know this? Because someone in the White House counsel’s office leaked it, most likely while their boss was still on the phone.

I told you he insulted Arnold.

He also seemed to express surprise at the complexity of the reform process. “I have to tell you, it’s an unbelievably complex subject,” Trump said. “Nobody knew that health care could be so complicated.” – Politico, 2/27/17

• Feynman equations. (“Fermions go this way, bosons go that way. What’s so tough?”)
• Raising children. (“Wife does it. Easy!”)
• The digestive system of a panda. (“Bamboo goes in, poop comes out. What’s there to understand?”)
• Gravity’s Rainbow. (“It’s about war and fucking.”)
• The Hypertext Transfer Protocol. (“That’s cyber? Pssh. Ten-year-olds can do it.”)
• Rocket science. (“It’s not brain surgery.”)
• Brain surgery. (“It’s not rocket science.”)
• Running a state-wide chain of supermarkets. (“Keep the place clean. Number one rule for a supermarket. Number two? Hot cashiers. After that, it all takes care of itself.”)
• Organic chemistry. (“Organic, very organic. That’s what I’m about, organic. Great at the organic.”)
• Bridge, card game. (“You know there’s a move in that game called the trump? Strong move.”)
• Bridge, large object. (“Some hang on cables, some you put on things. You know: pylons, whatever. Simple.”)
• The history of Chinese Manichaeism. (“Not tough!”)
• The Dunning-Kruger Effect. (“Very basic stuff. I understand the Dunning-Kruger Effect completely. No one understands it better than me.”

The Right is right.

We–those of us at ill-ease with the current situation–have been upbraided since the election for our tone. It is your condescension, as the line goes, that forced us to vote for Donald Trump, and your current outrage and derision that inspires us to maintain our support. You have not honestly examined our concerns.

Furthermore, we are accused of being one-sided. Of not listening to alternative viewpoints. Elevating one view over another

Perhaps they are correct.

So, to remedy this, we must investigate the needs of these Americans. But–in keeping with the second point–we should also look into the lives of those who do not support him.

Let us send a reporter to a town 300 miles outside Chicago and ask about the violence in the city, and then to Chicago and ask someone who actually lives there and knows what’s going on.

A conversation with a Trump voter who supports the rollback of protections for transgendered students, but has never met a transgendered person, and a teenager who is now afraid to go to the bathroom at school.

Interview a man who believes Islam is incompatible with western civilization, and take his concerns seriously; give equal time to the Iranian computer nerd who does IT for a mid-level accounting firm in Cleveland, and now does not know if he can visit home, or whether he will be thrown out of the country.

Inquire–gently, gently–about a woman’s glee at the death of Obamacare, and then visit her neighbor with the pre-existing condition.

Sit with a Trump voter on the couch and hold them tight to your bosom and tell them it will be all right. But also sit with the guy from Guatemala or Ecuador who snuck in because the American Way of Life was, is, and always will be dependent on a bonded underclass and he made the terrible decision to be born there instead of here.

Talk to someone who doesn’t see what the big deal with Russia is, and then ask journalist Vladimir Kara-Murza oh wait you can’t because Putin had him killed this month.

So let us be kind to those who are happy at the things Trump is doing, but let’s not forget the people those things are being done to.

“Don’t touch the stove.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“No. The stove is very hot, and if you touch it you will get burned.”

“Here’s the thing: you telling me not to touch the stove is making me want to touch it.”

“Well, that’s stupid.”

“Jesus, you’re an elitist. You have no idea about my life or my economic insecurity.”

“This has nothing to do with economics. Don’t touch the stove.”

“I’m gonna.”

“You really shouldn’t.”

“I’m gonna.”

…

“OW!”

“I told you.”

“No, I meant ‘Wow.’ This is awesome.”

“You’re enjoying this?”

“Are you?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Then that makes me enjoy it.”

“Why are you still holding onto the stove?”

“The first part was rough, sure, but I still have faith in the stove.”

“The stove was glowing red. Everyone told you not to touch the stove.”

“Which is why I did.”

“You’re a moron.”

“That makes me want to hold onto the stove for longer.”

“But the longer you hold onto the stove, the worse it will be.”

“For you.”

“For everyone.”

“Oh, I suppose you wanted me to touch the oven. The oven can’t be trusted at all.”

“This isn’t about the oven. You made your choice between the oven and the stove. You picked the stove. We’re past comparisons with the oven.”

“Probably the most corrupt oven I’ve ever seen.”

“This is not about the oven any more. Take your damn hand off the stove!”

“Stop being so divisive. These are my beliefs.”

“Your beliefs are fucking stupid.”

“Why can’t you reach out to me and try to understand where I’m coming from?”

“Let go of the stove and we can talk.”

“I’m only holding onto it because you told me not to.”

“Please? Pretty fucking please?”

…

“There. Are you happy?”

“No. I’m not happy at all.”

“Can we go to the hospital?”

“No. The stove canceled your health insurance.”

“Why did the oven make the stove do that?”

“It didn’t.”

“Was it the fridge? When Westinghouse sends their fridges, they’re not sending their best appliances.”

“Not the fridge, either.”

“The Jews?”

“Oh, go put your face on the stove, dipshit.”

• Three-legged puppy.
• Doctors Without Borders.
• The 92-year-old man in Fort Lauderdale who keeps getting arrested for feeding the homeless.
• Bronze medalists at the Special Olympics.
• Rosa Parks’ grave.
• A child stuck at the bottom of a well.
• Gander, Newfoundland, Canada, which fed, clothed, and sheltered 7000 stranded American passengers on 9/11.
• Panda.
• The baby iguana that all the snakes chase in Planet Earth II.
• Betty White.
• The patients in Mass. General’s burn ward.
• The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. (“I like soldiers whose names we know, okay?”)
• Buzz Aldrin.
• The concept of kindness.
• Kitten stuck in a tree.
• Firefighters who come to rescue the kitten.
• The orphan who owned the kitten.

The Trump Administration is dismayed by the recent wave of Anti-Semitic attacks plaguing the country. There have been bomb threats called in to Jewish community centers, vandalism at Jewish cemeteries, and someone in St Louis put mayonnaise on a corned beef sandwich. These disgusting acts must stop.

What also must stop are these unfounded and scurrilous attacks on the president, who–it must be noted–has never been caught on tape saying anything obviously anti-Semitic. No administration has ever been more supportive of Israel than this one, and as we all know: Israel equals Jew, just like Inner City equals Black.

The statement today from the so-called Anne Frank Center was based in deviousness and a hatred for Christians that is, sadly, a congenital feature of those people. The president would also like to make it clear that he prefers Jews that don’t hide. Similarly, the president wants America to note that he has written over a dozen books, while Anne Frank only wrote one. Lazy!

As you know, President Trump won his office by the greatest margin ever seen in America, which means he can’t be an anti-Semite. President Trump’s grandchild, whom he has nicknamed Blondi, is also Jewish. The president’s accountants are also Jewish because, you know, it’s not like he’s going to hire a Mexican to do math.

The White House condemns all explicit acts of intolerance against the Jews, and wishes that people would follow President Trump’s lead and be less blatant about it.

Do you remember Daniel Pearl? He was a journalist before someone cut his head off; they filmed it; you can watch it. James Foley was also a journalist; his head was cut off in Syria. What about Bill Biggart? He was born in Germany but became an American citizen; he was a photographer that died in Lower Manhattan on a clear and beautiful Tuesday morning. These were enemies of the people.

Narciso Gonzalez wrote for The State in South Carolina, and he was killed by the Lt. Governor of that state. Ruben Salazar wrote for the Los Angeles Times, and he was killed by the police of that city. The Lt. Governor was acquitted; the cops were never charged. The journalists were a threat to the American way of life, you see, and not their murderers.

Nellie Bly went undercover to expose the horror and filth of American insane asylums; Upton Sinclair got a job in the Chicago stockyards; Woodward and Bernstein hung around in parking garages. Enemies.

Ernie Pyle was accidentally blown up by our own Army, but Joseph Morton was executed by the Nazis. William Moore did not make it to the 37th Parallel. Phillipa Schuyler’s helicopter fell out of the sky near Da Nang. Michael Kelly was riding in a convoy outside Baghdad that came under fire. Marie Colvin stood too close to a coffee can packed with explosives and nails during the Siege of Homs.

These are some of the people that the president called America’s enemies.

• InfoWars.
• Alex Jones.
• Breitbart.
• Fox, mostly but not always.
• Guy at the end of the bar in sweatpants and an ankle monitor.
• Innards of a chicken, if indeed they are arranged in a propitious manner.
• President Trump, unless he is being sarcastic or didn’t mean it. (The president retains the right to retroactively declare he was being sarcastic or didn’t mean it.)
• Wikileaks.
• Reddit.
• Overheard conversations at the gas station.
• Secret messages hidden in the word jumble on the back of a box of Crunch Berries.
• Steven Miller looming over you while you sleep, whispering the good news of America’s transmorphosis to the exalted realms; effervescent shall we be, effervescent shall we be.
• Lenny Dykstra’s Twitter feed.
• Neighbor’s dog.
• 4chan.
• Ouija board.
• Facebook.
• If you see a red, white, and blue parrot, trust that parrot.