Tag: donald trump (Page 29 of 32)

• Anthony Cools: The Uncensored Hypnotist, Paris Las Vegas. (“Many people are trying to censor me. Call me racist. Anti-Semitic. That’s censorship. Not gonna give in! Someone’s gotta tell the country what’s happening. Crooked, lying, cheating, dishonest, smelly Hillary isn’t going to. The unfair media isn’t, because they’re unfair. Can’t trust them. Were they born unfair? Where was the media born, anyway? Have we ever seen the media’s birth certificate? Media could be secret Muslims. We don’t know!”)
• Thunder From Down Under, Excalibur. (“Why do they lie about Trump? The media says I love Saddam Hussein. They lie. Of course I hate Saddam Hussein. Bad guy! But he was great at killing terrorists. I am going to be better at it, but he was very good. Also a good dad. Strict but fair. Boys turned out well. Strong. Remind me of Donald, Jr. and Eric. Same chin, too. Look at my handsome boys. I am much more handsome, but they are just great-looking. Not like Ivanka, though. No boobs. Neither of my sons have boobs, but my daughter has big ones. I might make Ivanka’s boobs my vice-president. How about that? Should I make my daughter’s boobs vice-president?”)
• Siegfried and Roy’s Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat, Mirage. (“Remember what that tiger did to Roy? That’s what Crooked Hillary wants to do to America. She wants to bite through America’s skull with her giant teeth. Like she did to Vince Foster. That’s what she’ll do to the Supreme Court. I have inside information about her choices. I have best inside information. No one’s information is more inside than mine. Crooked Hillary, who is a thief, plans on nominating very unfair judges. Real loser judges. I will not tell you who they are, but one is a black. I guess with Crooked Hillary, black judges matter. Nominating a black to the Supreme Court is racist against white judges. She’s the racist.”)
• David Copperfield, MGM Grand. (“Good friend. Jew. See? How can I be an anti-Semite when I’m friends with David Copperfield? I know many Jewish magicians. I know Jewish producers, and accountants, and jewelers. Great friends, great Jews. When the media twists things around and dares to call Donald Trump–how do you do that? My son-in-law is Jewish, and I mean Jewish. Very Jewish. Disappears on Saturdays, the whole thing. My son-in-law’s father went to jail for fraud, which is the most Jewish thing to go to jail for. My daughter Ivanka is now a very beautiful Jew, but not really. You know. She made a great deal.”)
• Million Dollar Quartet, Harrah’s. (“Chuck Todd has a face like a Scottish woman’s private parts. I’ll say it. That’s one of the things that’s wrong with the country, people not saying things like that. The forces of political correctness want me to not tell you that Chuck Todd looks like a ginger vagina, and that Obama has secretly imported five million Syrian refugees. This is true. This is a true fact. I have seen the refugees, and all of them looked like terrorists. Obama is bringing ten million refugees here, and giving them guns and the key to your front door. You are all going to be raped. Many people are aware that Obama is paying foreigners to rape America.”)
• Zumanity by Cirque du Soleil, New York, New York. (“What does a star have to do with Jews? Are Jews astronomers? Is it a Hollywood thing? I know the Jews run Hollywood, but they do a very good job. Great Jews out there, but New York has the best Jews. A star. Really? This is what we’re getting all crazy about? A star is just a shape. A shape. Like when I tweet about gay rights, I’ll use an upside-down triangle. Just a shape. Should never have deleted it. Great tweet. I have the best non-racist tweets. Should have re-tweeted myself, not deleted it. When I’m the president, I’m gonna tweet all the time. Tweets you can be proud of.”)
• Blue Man Group, Luxor. (“How can people call me anti-Semitic when I have never called anyone a kike in public? If I were anti-Semitic, I would be the best at it. Hitler was a very bad man, very bad, but he was the best at being anti-Semitic. No one hated Jews like Hitler. He won that game. I love Jews. Do you know there are Mexican Jews? I would let them in. They’re all right. Being Jews makes the Mexican part better. Not rapists. Mexicans love to rape, but not Mexican Jews. Mostly homos, actually.”)
• Britney: Piece of Me, Hard Rock Hotel. (“I banged her. Back when she was hot. Spectacular body, just great. Great ass, but not as good as my wife Melania, who has been acknowledged as one of the great beauties. What we got now? Not great. Not great. Michelle Obama from behind? Not a pretty picture. My wife is much more attractive than Obama’s. Have we seen Michelle’s birth certificate? I have read in many places that she was born in Madagascar and is secretly a lemur. How do we know that Michelle Obama isn’t a secret lemur? We don’t. We don’t.”)
• Olivia Newton-John, Flamingo. (“Banged her, too. Before the cancer. Can’t have sex with cancer, c’mon. Crooked Hillary’s like cancer, and she’s gonna kill America, but I have Pete Rose coming to my convention. Hillary, who is a filthy garbage person who should be buried alive, isn’t gonna have Pete Rose. If Crooked Hillary had Pete Rose, she would sell him to the Chinese, or let Bill rape him. How do we know that Bill Clinton hasn’t raped Pete Rose? Why hasn’t Crooked Hillary been asked about this? The media, which is very unfair, won’t stop talking about a star–a star!–and no one asks the Clintons about all the Hall-of-Famers they’ve raped together. Ozzie Smith. Don Mattingly. Yaz. Everyone knows that Bill and Hillary co-rape baseball legends, and the media wants to talk about stars. Sad!”)

• 30 For 30: Believeland, 2016. (“Cleveland’s gonna be fun. Big speech. The best speech. Who’s Hillary got? Pocahontas? I got champions. People want winners. They look at Washington and say, ‘Those aren’t winners.’ You ever see Mitch McConnell? Looks like a botched circumcision. Bad face. Terrible face. I got Mike Tyson. The champ! Lenny Dykstra’s coming. Don King is learning sign language. He’s gonna be the interpreter. We’ve got the best sign language interpreters.”)
• Secrets of the Sphinx, 2013. (“Hosni Mubarak tried to sell me the Sphinx. Started with a rug. Ended with the Sphinx. That’s how Egyptians make deals. Tough negotiators, but I’m tougher. Had to walk away. They insisted that I hire locals. Whoa. How do I know what’s going on with these folks? Maybe they’re going to steal the Sphinx. I don’t know. That’s the thing: no one knows. Obama doesn’t know. Well, maybe he does know. Maybe Obama does know. After the Egyptians steal the Sphinx, maybe they come for the Statue of Liberty? Who knows?”)
• 72 Dangerous Places, 2016. (“Anywhere near CrookedHillary. She has murdered many people. Very bad person. Awful. There’s a book called Hillary the Ripper: America’s Monster. Very good. Not as good as my books, which are very big sellers. It’s an unbiased look which we need. The media is very unfair. They don’t want to call Hillary a serial killer. I think they’re being politically correct. The Washington Post, which is a rotten paper that no one reads, has never called Bill Clinton a rapist on the front page. Who owns the Post? Look into that, and maybe you’ll figure it out.”)
• The Forbidden Kingdom, 2008. (“I’m gonna throw China out of NATO. They’re eating us like dogs. Now they got aircraft carriers. You know where they got them? Crooked Hillary. We all know that Hillary has been spying for the Chinese for years. I’m gonna call her Manchurian Hillary. I thought her eyes looked like that because of how old and unattractive she was. Turns out she’s Chinese. When I beat Crooked Chinese Hillary, I’m gonna tear up all our deals with China and start over. Everything. Panda Express is out of the food court. Just until we know what’s going on.”)
• Breaking Bad, 2008. (“The Clinton Foundation is a front for meth. I have seen video, personally seen with my eyes, Bill Clinton cooking meth. I know what I saw because I have the best eyes. Most men my age need glasses, but I can see very well. I can see that Obamacare is a disaster. Just a disaster. Millions of people have died as a direct result of Obamacare. Some of them exploded. That’s how bad Obamacare was. First day. Gone. The China thing and the Obamacare. Big day.”)
• The Money Pit, 1986. (“My inauguration is gonna be huge. Best one there’s ever been. We might have it in Palm Beach. January in Washington? C’mon. We’re gonna have Kid Rock sing the Anthem. We could do it on the golf course. Tenth hole is flat. Best tenth hole you’ve ever seen. Speaking of the tenth hole and Kid Rock, he once told me ‘Mr. Trump. your golf course has the best tenth hold I’ve ever seen.’ And I said, ‘Yeah, it’s the best.’ True story. Mike Tyson’s doing the benediction. We’ll have some other blacks, too. Iron Mike. The champ.”)
• Yindi the Last Koala, 1996, (“Ever notice that Crooked Hillary never renounces Satan in public? Not once. All these years in public life, and not once. It could be that Hillary Clinton worships the devil. We know that she is a secret Muslim as well as Obama, but maybe she’s a Satanic Muslim? Last time Evil Hillary went to Saudi Arabia, they threw many homosexuals off buildings in her honor. Very bad person.”)
• The Hunt with John Walsh, 2014. (“John Walsh. Gets things done. Son was kidnapped. Killed. Sad. Where was Hillary? Why has she never publicly stated that she did not murder John Walsh’s son? Maybe the evidence was on that e-mail server, and now China has it? How many children has China paid Crooked Hillary to murder? Nothing about this woman is acceptable. We need to take our country back like the British. You’re not allowed to murder children there. Why can you do it here?”)
• Animaniacs, 1993. (“I’m gonna imprison all the Muslims, but it’s just temporary. We need new Muslim paperwork. There’s none. None at all. If you show at an American airport and say ‘I’m Muslim,’ then you get let in. No questions asked. That’s how the Orlando shooter got in the country. Lock them up, just for a little bit. We let out the safe ones. Really old. Really fat. Crippled. Babies. Maybe we take the babies and raise them right? Except then you maybe have sleeper agents. Many people have told me that it’s in the blood with these people.”)
• Apocalypse: The Second World War, 2009. (“Crooked Hillary is gonna start World War Three. Crooked Hillary, the Chinese, the Muslims, and the Saudis are gonna take your guns and start a war. And the Mexicans. Many people have forgotten about the Mexicans, who are rapists, but I haven’t. The Mexicans rape more than Bill Clinton, and Bill Clinton rapes on an average of twice a day. Three in the summer. Crooked Hillary is gonna kill you, and Rapin’ Bill is gonna rape your wives and daughters. Not a great family. I have a much better family. My daughter Ivanka is much hotter than Whats-her-face. Terrible parents.”)

(OFF-MIKE)

“I was going to talk about Crooked Hillary. Big speech. Kick off the week with a bang. I had so many things to say. New nicknames. In these times of radical Islamic terrorism, she would be a terrible choice. Plus Benghazi. Had a whole section on Benghazi. I’ll get to it. Maybe next week. Although she might be in jail next week. Always a show with that family.

(ON-MIKE)

“Her Secret Service people say terrible things about her. The worst kind of names, I won’t repeat them. Like ‘witch’ but not that word. You know the word. Terrible things about her. Doesn’t have the temperament. Folds under pressure. Drinker? They didn’t say if she was a drinker, but that was the impression they gave. Loud eater. I’ve heard that with my own ears, and I have the best ears.

“We’ll do that next week. Tuesday, maybe. Anyway, today we’re here because I was right. I am very good at being right and what happened in Orlando proves that. A radical terrorist Islamic entered a nightclub to kill LGBT people. I’m not going to say the killer’s name, because I can’t pronounce it. It’s one of those names. Hillary’s best friend and advisor has one of those names. Huma Abedin. Married to a very sleazy man, a real low-life. Those two ladies have a lot in common.

“Back to the shooting. Tragic. Very, very bad. I now ask for a moment of silence.

…

“Thank you. I now ask that the reporter from the Washington Post leave the room. Get out. I’m not kidding. You have a very dishonest paper. Unfair. Not right what you do. Listen if you won’t leave peacefully, then there’s things that could happen. Okay. Could someone take care of this? Okay. Okay. There you go.

“I now ask for a moment of silence for the reporter from the Washington Post.

…

“Thank you. This weekend, an Afghan person targeted a gay nightclub and did what the Koran programs him to do, which is shoot at the GTLB community.  He was very Afghan. Father was Afghan. Mother. We let ’em in. Dumb! Did Obama sign the papers? We’ll never know. Maybe he asked Hillary to keep the records. Gone forever. The way things are: we’re being incompetent, and I’m gonna be smart. Watch me. Gonna turn around in one day. I put my hand on the Bible, and boom. Smart.

“We gotta figure out what’s going on. Who’s coming in? Are they coming in from good countries? Or terrorist countries? What about rape countries? I haven’t talked about Mexico in a while. That’ll be next week with the Hillary thing. Half Hillary/Half Mexico. Tuesday. Great speech. I’m gonna use the teleprompter, but unlike Obama I read from the teleprompter very well. Every time I do, all the technicians say ‘Mr. Trump, you do that so well.’ That’s true.

“It’s gotta stop. No more. If I am elected President, I will deal with this. I’m gonna be very strong and smart, you just wait. The strongest. We gotta shut it down. Close shop for a while until we get some kind of idea what’s going on. There’s gonna be a total ban on immigration from a lot of places.

(APPLAUSE.)

“Absolutely. We have to. This radical Islamic terrorism is already in. Maybe the waitress at the diner is a terrorist. Is Huma Abedin a radical Islamic terrorist? We don’t know! How can we go forward like this? Every day, tens of thousands of people from these countries come into America. We don’t even do paperwork. True! Just let them in! Obama said that paperwork would be offensive. Political correctness is killing us, ladies and gentlemen.

(APPLAUSE.)

“Not the gun. Now, you’re going to hear a lot of whining about the gun. Wasn’t the gun that killed the BLTG community. Political correctness. You know where he got that gun? He was issued it when he came over here. At the border. No paperwork and a gun. Might be offensive to his culture if we didn’t. Thanks, Obama. Four more years of that? No, thank you.

(APPLAUSE.)

“Thank you, thank you. Yes, he’s a terrible president. Hillary would be worse. Much worse. Can’t even imagine. Guns for Afghan terrorists, but no guns for you. She is on record as saying she’s going to get rid of the Second Amendment. I have seen video of her saying this many, many times. She becomes President–God help us–and she’s coming for your guns. She wants us to be like Europe, where many people have died. Even cops! Terrorists get free machine guns, and cops stand there with their, you know, with something in their hands. Hillary probably wants to take that, too.

(APPLAUSE.)

“I will defeat radical Islamic terrorism but Hillary won’t even say it. Sad! Says a lot of other things. Said to a lot of women, ‘Here’s ten grand. Now shut up.’ Said that quite a bit. ‘How do I wash Vince Foster’s blood off my pantsuit?’ She said that at least once. Maybe she’s killed more than one Vince Foster? You never know with Crooked Hillary.

“She’s elected President and these radical Muslims will be having a party. They’ll be making that sound. You know which sound, I’m not going to do it. Why does Hillary hate the TCBY community and want to see it murdered by political correctness? My tremendous business employs many, many gays. I’ve got the best gays. They come to me and ask why Crooked Hillary wants them dead, even though there are many rumors about her being a lesbian herself. That’s what they say!

(APPLAUSE.)

“I’m just telling you what my gays say to me. And that’s what we’re here today to talk about, not Hillary and her many crimes. The terrible thing that happened in Orlando that I correctly predicted. Terrible. Some good Muslims. Gotta be a couple. They’re not working with us. I’m a man you can make a deal with. But there’s other options. Ever see that movie Independence Day? Great movie. Real fun. Maybe Muslims are like the aliens in that movie. Blow up Mecca and they stop acting crazy. I don’t know. I don’t know. We could find out.

“Hillary, who is a terrible person, is not a friend to the WBCN community. Not like Trump. I have been to many gay weddings and my gift is always the largest. When Hillary goes to a gay wedding, she brings a terrorist with her who murders everyone. True! Three or four times. That’s political correctness, and it’s killing us and our gays.

(APPLAUSE.)

“Thank you. Yes. Our gays. We will make America great again. We will get good deals with China. We will stop being raped by Mexicans. We will have a decent-looking First Lady. We will protect our gays by nuking Mecca. We will throw the reporter from CNN out of the room. We will build a wall and maybe a moat. We will make America great again.

(APPLAUSE.)

That’s great. Thanks. You’re great.”

• Washington Post. (“Very dishonest. Unfair!”)
• Univision. (“You know why.”)
• Mother Jones. (“Soros pays them!”)
• Cat Fancy. (“Circulation is down.”)
• Politico. (“Not a word!”)
• Buzzfeed. (“Obama’s a Muslim.”)
• Telemundo. (“Same as Univision.”)
• Relix. (“Shapiro? Bad guy!”)
• BET News. (“Bad blacks.”)
• Huffington Post. (“Arianna’s a hag.”)
• Al Jazeera. (“You serious? C’mon.”)
• Newsweek. (“No longer exists.”)

TotD takes you live to Briarcliff Manor, NY, where Donald Trump is addressing the press, with the aid of a Teleprompter.

“Good evening my fellow Americans, and illegal Mexicans watching this on stolen televisions. Look at you. Very beautiful crowd. Winners, nice. Very happy. Good.

“Tonight we close one chapter of history and begin another. Your votes have been counted, your voices heard. In primary after primary, through hard-fought battles, we rallied together and as the convention approaches, I understand the responsibility placed on my shoulders. I will not let you down. Not like Crooked Hillary, who has tremendous problems. Should she be in jail? Some people say she should be in jail.

“I stand before you to unite the Republican party, even the haters who have been very unfair to me. There’s quite a few. I could name names. Very unfair, but I extend the olive branch. I will even make peace with Lindsay Graham, who is just a terrible guy. Never married to a woman. Isn’t that weird? But, again: peace and unity.

“Some people will say I’m too much of a fighter. Yes, I will fight: for my principles, for my beliefs, for my many business. I have fought for my vision of New York, which I rescued in the 80’s, and now I will fight for you. It’s going to be great. I’ve never fought a bear, but I’ve seen it done and I would be very good at it. Maybe the bear’s symbolic? Is it Russia? Chinese bear? I’ll fight the bear for you, America.

“Hillary won’t fight a bear. Hillary, your child, bear? Crooked Hillary’s throwing your kid at the bear so she can escape. That’s happened. I’ve watched video of Hillary Clinton feeding a stranger’s child to a bear. Not right! And I was saving this for a big speech I have planned for this week, but I have to say it. When something’s on my mind, I say it. After the bear ate the kid, Bill Clinton raped the bear, and then Hillary helped cover it up. A team of investigators found this out. A team, not just one.

“Lot of problems, the Clintons. Big crooks, huge. You have no idea. Selling access, selling favors. This speech is a mind-blower. Monday? Tuesday? This week coming up, we gotta figure it out. This week. Big crooks. Anything that isn’t nailed down. Like Bonnie and Clyde, but ugly hicks. That’s good! Melania, write that down. She could write it down in five languages. My wife, Melania. Acknowledged as one of the great beauties.

“I knew them socially, the Clintons. Stole ashtrays from Mar-A-Lago. I thought Bill had some other place for his cigars, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe. Could be. Not good tippers. The caddies would complain, and I have the best caddies you’ve ever seen. All legal. Many are blacks, and they’re the right kind of blacks. Hard workers. The best blacks.

“The e-mails. I mean, c’mon. She knew what she was doing. Remember Marco Rubio? Little Marco? When he spazzed out at the debate and started repeating the line about Obama knowing what he was doing? He said horrible things about me, but he recently endorsed my candidacy. Very smart. People called him dumb all through the primaries, but he did at least one smart thing. Good for him. Little Marco made a big move.

“What kind of America do we want to leave for our children, assuming Hillary doesn’t feed them all to bears? An America that’s not great? Or one we make great again? Regulations are killing us, they’re just killing us. We gotta get better deals, I get the best deals. Trade. Energy. Infrastructure. We’re suffering big time. President Trump is bring the dollar up. Hillary’s gonna steal the dollar. This speech has so much great stuff in it. This week, I’m leaning towards Tuesday now. Gonna blow your minds.

“To supporters of Senator Sanders, I say this: you have been treated very unfairly, and I sympathize because I am being treated very unfairly right now by a hater judge who is unfairly Mexican. Not right! I have a big case, a huge case, a lot of money at stake and I ask for a judge. I get a Mexican. Rigged. Getting screwed. And he’s very Mexican, which is not a bad thing, but he is. Scale of one to ten, he’s an ocho. A seven or an ocho. Right around there.

“Our inner-cities are a mess. The worst. Y’know what? We’re letting down our blacks, and that’s not right. America has some high-quality blacks. Look at Africa. Their blacks are not as good as ours. I have to say it. Not great blacks. The media, the sleazy media, is gonna say I’m racist for pointing this out. It’s true. Not politically correct, whatever that means, but our blacks are the best in the world. But we’re failing them. Obama, who is himself a black, has failed them. I’m gonna make our blacks great again.

“Companies are gonna do so well, just the best. You think Hillary cares about the business you worked to create? She’s gonna take kickbacks from the Chinese, who are gonna buy the company and fire you and replace you with an Mexican. You think I’m just talking here? I have a whole speech, it’s so great. But, wait: Tuesday isn’t good. No Tuesday. Next week definitely. The best speech.”