- “Robert A. Caro’s The Power Broker: Robert Moses and the Fall of New York,” Shwarzman Building. (“Robert Moses was a winner. Got things done. This is a neighborhood? Now it’s a highway. He built. Great man. Did not change New York as much as I did. Never built an ice skating rink. My ice skating rink is the best in the world.”)
- “Black Suburbia from Levittown to Ferguson,” Shomburg Center. (“Crooked Hillary thinks she has a lot of blacks, but I have many blacks. The media is very unfair to me. The other day at my rally, which was packed, we had to turn people away, I pointed out one. I said, ‘There’s my black,’ and the media starts in with racist this and that. Very unfair. Was I supposed to not mention my black? By the way, not only do I have many blacks, but I have the best blacks. High-quality blacks. I don’t know what kind of blacks Hillary has. Looking for a hand-out? Not my blacks.”)
- “The Not-Seen Ubiquitous: Visual Works by Tony Janetti,” Mulberry Street Library. (“I would be comfortable with an Italian judge. That’s white enough. I’d prefer a real white, but an Italian is okay. In fact, I have many Italian-American friends. I have the best mob ties you’ve ever seen. You should see my Rolodex. Fat Sally. Tony the Camel. Vinnie Two-Knees. New York is a tough town. You have to make friends, and I am very good at making friends.”)
- “A Glimpse of Southeast Asia: Pictures by Jack McDougle, St. Agnes Library. (“A glimpse is enough. More than enough. They”ll come to me. When I’m President, there’s not going to be a lot of traveling. Maybe Russia. Philippines looks promising lately. Otherwise, they come here. I’ll give them a discounted rate at a Trump property. Let’s be honest: that’s probably nicer than where they live, most of them. Saudis have very classy hotels, and they know how to provide service. Otherwise, they come here.”)
- “Magical Designs for Mozart’s Magic Flute,” Library for the Performing Arts. (“Reporters need to be careful. They’re very unfair and they need to be careful. I’m going to do something about it. Shouldn’t be allowed to be unfair. Sleazy tactics. The American people want to make America great again, and they want to build a wall. But some people just want to lie about Trump. Not all of them are Jews, but some are. Unfair!”)
- “Original Arts & Crafts by Marion L. Hughes, Allerton Library. (“I am great at arts and crafts. Popsicle stick. Pipe cleaner. I build log cabins, birdhouses. The best birdhouses. And there’s never glue running down the sides. I always use the correct amount of glue. Great at gluing. Many people have complimented me on my skills with glue. Lanyards, too. I can do box stitch. Cobra. Many people can’t do the corkscrew stitch right, but I can. No one does arts and crafts like me.”)
- “Paintings: Cesar Santana,” Inwood Library. (“Mexicans can paint. Excellent painters. Give one a ladder and a pair of overalls and he does the whole house. Two coats. Great painters. Art? Okay. Is that art here legally? If it’s here legally, then I have no problem with it. But we don’t know. Does the art work for a cartel? Maybe it hits white women with bricks? Can’t trust that art. Sorry to say. Can’t trust it.”)
- “Queer Book Diorama Gallery,” Jefferson Market Library. (“I don’t know what’s with the bathrooms. Leave it to the states. Does the federal government even have the authority to overrule the states? States know what’s best. I have many gay friends. I have the gayest friends, but I have to say that I’m for traditional marriage. I have had three traditional marriages, all successes. Marriage is defined in the Bible as between a man and the best Eastern European catalog model he can afford. I’m a big Bible guy.”)
- “Sprout City by Lynn Koble, Inwood Library. (“I would accept a lady judge. Three weeks out of the month, lady judge is fine. Mexican is out. Chinese is out. Muslim judge? We have any of those? That’s gonna change. For now, though? No. Muslim judge isn’t going to be fair. I’m just talking common sense here. Jewish judge is fine, unless he’s on Twitter. That might get ugly. Black judge might be all right. I mean: good black or bad black? Again: this is common sense.”)
- “John Lloyd – Parks and Neighborhoods of New York,” Mulberry Street Library. (“Best time to go to war with the Arabs is Ramadan. Haven’t eaten all day, so they’ll be weak. People forget I went to a military academy. Very strategic thinker. I look forward to commanding America’s armed forces. Gonna be fun.”)
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: donald trump (Page 30 of 32)
JOHN HEILEMANN (HOST): Let’s just say this first of all, when Trump does what he did in that Tapper interview, and he did it over and over again, he kept calling Curiel a Mexican, right? It is not even dog whistle politics. It is just pure racial politics.
MARK HALPERIN (HOST): No, it’s not racial.
HEILEMANN: It’s racial politics. It is.
HALPERIN: Mexico isn’t a race.
HEILEMANN: It doesn’t matter whether Mexico is a race, it’s stirring up racial animus about people who don’t like Hispanics, and illegal immigrants coming across the border. That’s what he’s doing. He’s ringing the bell for them every time he does it. He’s not Mexican. He was born in Indiana. And eventually you can get Trump to acknowledge that he’s Mexican-American, it’s his heritage that’s what he’s doing here right? Then on top of that he is a potential president of the United States who has issued, over the course of the last week, vague threats, saying that the judge should be investigated. It is wildly inappropriate and yes, of course there are no political benefits to this and I’m sure that his team is beating it’s head against tables as they watch him blow news cycles behaving in this way that is again, I think racially tinged and also really wildly inappropriate things to say about a federal judge by someone who could be president of the United States.
HALPERIN: It’s certainly racially tinged. I just want to make the point that Mexico is not – Mexican is not a race.
HEILEMANN: I am fully aware that Mexico is not a race, but you can invoke things like that to stir up racial animus regardless of whether or not Mexico is a race or not.
Hey, Mark Halperin of Bloomberg News.
“Hi, thanks for having me.”
You ever turn down an interview?
“Not yet.”
Great. So: wanna clarify?
“Mexican is not a race.”
Gotcha.
“Mexican Gran Prix is a race.”
An exciting one.
“Not Mexican.”
I don’t understand the hair-splitting here.
“People are calling Trump racist, but Mexican is not a race. If he had said the judge was Hispanic, then that would be a racial comment.”
Mark, I think you’re not seeing the forest for the Mexicans on this one.
“Mexico is a country, not a race.”
What about Japan?
“Yeah, that might be a race. I don’t know; I would need to measure their skulls.”
Focus, Mark. What I’m hearing you say is that when Trump says Mexicans are rapists and against him and unfit to adjudicate his many, many serious legal matters, that it’s not racist because he didn’t say some sort of magic word?
…
“Mexico isn’t a race.”
The Fourth Estate lives.
“The what?”
Good talk, Mark.
- GlowBowl Motion Activated Toilet Nightlight, $16.99 (“I’ve got the best toilets. Not just because they’re the most expensive, which they are. Great toilets. Button for everything. Different flush for number one and number two. Smart. They say I’m not an environmentalist, but I own the best toilets.”)
- Petcube Interactive Wi-Fi Pet Camera, $148.98 (“Somebody should put one of these in Lyin’ Ted’s house. Keep an eye on him. Next couple weeks gonna be rough. Might leave the car running. Never know. That would be sad, but at least he has a vice-president if something happens. People tell me it’s time to unify the party, but I’m gonna keep doing this.”)
- iRobot Roomba 880, $594.99 (“Excellent product. Every Roomba is one less Mexican. That’s not a racist statement. People say Trump’s a racist, but it’s not racist to say that all Mexicans are illegal immigrants who clean floors. Not racist. They’re the racists. Maybe we’ll get robots to build the wall. Mexico’s gonna buy us robots to build the wall.”)
- AmazonBasics 400 Thread Count Sheet Set, Queen, $31.49 (“That’s not enough threads. You need a lot more threads. At my property Mar-A-Lago, the sheets have thread counts into the millions. I hired a guy to count them. Big college professor. Couldn’t do it. Came to me and said, “Mr. Trump, I don’t understand what you want me to do.” You know what I did? I fired him. Yeah. I did that. Let’s bring that kind of decision-making to Washington.”)
- Fisher Price Snugabunny Cradle ‘N Swing, $131.99 (“That’s for the wife. Diapers, rattles, whatever. That’s where the wife shines. Her personality comes through. I wouldn’t take that away from her. Melania, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties, is the boss of all that. She can hire whatever nanny she wants. She’s great. Kid’s great. I make the best kids.”)
- Yellow 12-Rung 15′ Durable Agility Ladder, $12.37 (“Many people have told me that I am the best ladder climber they’ve ever seen. I can go up, I can come back down. Stay at the top. Hold it for another guy. Anything to do with ladders, I can do it very well. We’re always building, so many properties, so much construction. Ladders everywhere. I go to a worksite, the men always want me to show them how I climb ladders. Sometimes I do, and they’re very impressed.”)
- Swimline Classic 36″ Beach Ball, $5.44 (“I can’t respect seals. No pride. Sad. It bops the ball, it gets a fish. Who are the people coming to see? The seal. Does the seal own a piece of the show? Name above the title? No. Sad. Terrible negotiators, seals.”)
- Kate Spade New York “Secret Garden” Stud Earrings, $35.99 (“I can beat Hillary. Not tough. Hope she doesn’t kill me like she killed Vince Foster. Might happen. Very devious woman. Terrible looking. Never attractive, but now she’s very old. I’m not gonna call her a bitch, but I’m gonna insinuate it many times. Won’t actually say the word.”)
- Dizzy Gillespie, The Champ. (“Very big cheeks. Enormous. Even I don’t have cheeks like that, and I have very big cheeks. Squirrels have big cheeks, but they’re doing it with acorns. Dizzy did it with air. Sometimes you can’t find an acorn. Can always find air. Squirrels are losers.”)
- Regina Spektor, Soviet Kitsch. (“Lot of people talk bad about Putin. They don’t realize how talented he is. Judo. Hunting. We would get along. Frankly, I would take him for some suits. Strong man. Weak suits. First summit we have, I’m buying him some suits. Have the tailor come to Trump Tower, he does the thing with the chalk. Maybe lunch. We have some of the best restaurants in the world in Trump Tower. Chinese. Italian. Food court.”
- John Renborn, The Attic Tapes (“I’m moving the White House to Trump Tower. D.C. is not a great town. Plus, tower is better than a house. Taller. Way taller. Guy with a house takes the stairs like a dog. Guy with a tower rides the elevator. Maybe we can paint it white, I don’t know. That’s probably something for the First Lady, Melania, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties.”)
- Xiu Xiu Xiu Xiu Plays the Music of Twin Peaks. (“This is what I’ve been talking about! China steals everything! When I’m President, first thing, I slap a tariff on imports of Chinese musicians playing our TV show themes. Done. Boom. That’s how businessman deal with things, and I am a very successful businessman. We got politicians making our deals. Politicians can’t even do their own jobs. Lyin’ Ted is a politician. There you go.”)
- James Bay, Chaos and the Calm. (“That’s easy. Calm is when the people are heard. People love Trump. They say to me ‘Mr. Trump, we love you.’ Smart people. That’s what makes America run: smart people. Love Trump. Got all the popular votes. Lyin’ Ted? Blow him away everywhere. Louisiana, New York, everywhere. Beat him very badly. I got the votes. Got the votes, you get the nomination. Calm. If the convention is unfair? Chaos. Rigged? Chaos. Let’s have calm.”)
- Cheap Trick, At Budokan: The Complete Concert. (“Done a lot of business with the Japanese. Very shrewd. I usually come away pretty good, but they’re very shrewd. The bowing is nice. Shaking hands is dumb. Germs. Filthy. People go to the bathroom and they don’t wash their hands. I’m the best at washing my hands after going to the bathroom. People have complimented me on it, and they’re right. Why isn’t that in the media. Trump said this, Trump said that. Nothing about washing my hands.”)
- Madonna, Like A Virgin & Other Hits (“Banged her. ’85? ’86? Banged her. Very fit, always at the gym. A very powerful woman, but not in bed. Enjoyed being taken. Then she started dating black guys. I broke it off.”)
- Third Power, Believe. (“No one talks about military action against China, and I think it shouldn’t be off the table. How are you going to negotiate? Obama says right up front, “We’re not going to drop a nuke on China.” He says that! Now they know! That’s not how I negotiate. Maybe I will drop a nuke on China. Dropped a nuke on Japan and now they’re our friends. Maybe that’s how you do it. China doesn’t respect us. They should. They should.”)
- Oscar Peterson, Tenderly. (“Rex Ryan is a good friend of mine. Foot man. Loves toes. Great coach. If I had bought the Bills, we would have some rings by now. He’s stuck with losers for owners. NFL screwed up big time. Many owners are good friends of mine, but they really screwed up. Daniel Snyder, Redskins owner: good friend of mine. Very wealthy man. Good friend.”)
- HIST 1969A Israel – Palestine: Lands and People. (“I can solve the whole thing over there. Ridiculous. You know: Jews, Palestinians, whatever. It’s land! I’m a real estate guy. I know land, I know deals. I could probably have the whole thing settled in a year. Under a year. More than six months. Under a year. Solved.”)
- GRMN 1340R Literature and Multilingualism. (“I’m probably the most multilingual guy I know. Great at languages. When I was seven, I taught myself Finnish. I know the most languages. My wife, Melania, is a great beauty and knows five languages, but I know more. The amount of languages I speak goes up and down with how I feel. A good day could add a half-dozen languages. I’m great at talking in languages.”
- GEOL 1240 Stratigraphy and Sendimentation. (“I banged Princess Diana. Before she died. Banged her. They all denied it. Whole family, not one of them with a job. All of my children work. No special treatment. I sexually harass Ivanka just like any other employee, but in my defense: she has great cans. Princess Diana had okay cans. Not active in bed. Very sad what happened. I banged her.”)
- ENGL 0100V Inventing Asian-American Literature. (“I invented Asian-American literature. People don’t know that, and they call me racist. How can I be racist when I invented Asian-America literature? Fitting in. Mom showing love through cooking. All that crap. I invented it. I also banged Amy Tan. Cans were also just okay.”)
- CLAS 0660 The World of Byzantium. (“The Byzantines love me. I am very popular with the Byzantines, despite having such a simple message.”)
- INTL1802Q Iran and the Islamic Revolution. (“Why is the nuclear option off the table? How do you negotiate like that? Weak. Not saying I drop a nuke on Teheran. But Iran has to have other cities, right? Smaller ones? Maybe one of them. You think they wouldn’t nuke us? I go in there and say ‘The last guy’s deal is null and void’ and then I nuke a town. Much better deal.”)
- ENGL 1900R Queer Relations: Aesthetics and Sexuality. (“Many homosexuals worked on The Apprentice, which made me a ton of money. $213 million from that show. Surrounded by homosexuals. Television business. Big success for me, and I wanted to keep doing it. Arnold’s gonna do it now. He’s gonna try. Good luck to him, because I still own a piece of the show. Actor. Politician. Businessman? I don’t know about that. Good luck to him.”)
- JUDS 1630 The Talmud. (“People don’t know this, but I am a world-renowned Talmudic scholar. Many Talmudic scholars have asked for lessons, but there’s not enough money in it, even though the Jews have money. Not scholars, though. Poor. Dumb. Smart, but dumb. I’m the best at Talmud. Mishnah. Gemara. If you said ‘This rabbi said this,’ then i would say ‘But this rabbi said that.’ Best at Talmud.”)
- COLT 1610E Crisis and Identity in Mexico 1519-1968. (“How about Mexico keeps their crisis in Mexico? Why do we get their crisis? Some of them come to work, I guess. Others come to murder. I have been told this by many very smart people: Mexicans love murder. Maybe it’s cultural. Maybe it’s genetic. Not all, not saying all. Some. Some Mexicans love murder. Maybe I’m not politically correct.”)
- PHP 1070 The Burden of Disease in Developing Countries. (“I could turn any country around. Two years. Maybe three. Depends on the weather. A real loser country, too. Chad? How’s Chad doing? Chad. Two years.”)
- HIST 1961I North Korea: Past, Present, Future. (“Un? Right? Un. Terrible name. Little fat kid. Real loser. What if something happened to him? Would you be upset? I wouldn’t be. We used to assassinate a lot of people. Now Russia’s doing all the assassinating. What happened to America?”)
- HIAA 1811 Pre-Fabrication and Architecture. (“Princess Diana was very complimentary of my love-making. I gave her many orgasms. Couldn’t go public. Later on, she dated an Arab. I had her first, plus I’m still alive. Cans were just average. Gotta be honest. Just average cans.”)
- Oven Roasted Shrimp, $15. (“I get bigger shrimp. Never been to this place, but I can tell you about my shrimp. Huge shrimp. Can’t even call them shrimp. Whenever I eat shrimp, many people tell me that I eat the biggest shrimp. And this is certified. Gotta have it certified. Not just making things up: I have the biggest shrimp.”)
- Creamy Hummus, $13. (“President Obama got boned on the Iran deal. Weak. Whose side was he on? Terrible deal because our negotiators are losers. Just real nowhere guys. And they’re going up against Persians? Very good negotiators, the Persians. I have many rugs I did not mean to buy, but they’re the best rugs you’ve ever seen. The stitching. Colors. The best rugs. None of them fly. My wife Melania, who speaks five languages, tested all of them. She said all the magic words she knew. No flying.”)
- Phil’s Scramble, $13. (“No one can beat me in Indian leg wrestling. Where you lay down and hook your leg with the other guy? No one can beat me. I’ve been very successful in Indian leg wrestling and a lot of media outlets have been unfair about it. Where are the stories about Trump’s powerful legs? What about Trump’s core strength? You can’t be a successful Indian leg wrestler without core strength, and I am a very successful Indian leg wrestler. I beat The Rock. Dwayne Johnson. Friend of mine. Beat him every time.”)
- Chilaquiles, $15. (“Used to be steak and eggs. Remember steak and eggs? Your mom would make it for you. Then your wife would make it for you. Some people like hash browns, but I don’t. It’s a weak potato. Baked? Strong. Hash browns are stupid. Loser way to take your potato. No more, I guess. No more steak. Forget eggs. Now it’s chickiequickie, chillywilly, chappaquiddick. I can’t pronounce it. What happened to American breakfasts? I’m gonna build a wall around breakfast and make Mexico pay for it.”)
- Sweet Potato Latkes, $8. (“I can be more presidential than any president. I can president the best. Some people say Lincoln. Maybe they’re right. Top hat. Others like Roosevelt. Pearl Harbor won’t be attacked when I’m president. So I think I win that one. Obama? Clinton? Come on. Reagan is tough. Great man. Tall. Very presidential, but I think I might have it. Nancy Reagan was not as attractive as Melania. I know she just died. God bless her. Not as attractive, so I think I’m the whole package.”)
- Phil’s Focaccia Chicken Sandwich, $12. (“There’s gonna be a recession, but I can fix it. Easy. Obama made a recession. It’s coming. I wrote about it one of my books. I have written many books. First one was Art of the Deal. Big hit. Huge hit. Very big for me, and I also sold t-shirts and mugs. For years, Hollywood wants to turn it into a movie. I’ve done Saturday Night Live twice and got many laughs. What other businessman is on SNL? Carl Icahn is a very good friend of mine. Tremendous businessman. Very rich. Never been on Saturday Night Live.”)
- Huevos Rancheros, $14. (“Are the huevos here legally? That’s the first thing you have to ask. An illegal huevo isn’t a bad huevo. Some are good. Some don’t rape. But they’re taking jobs from huevos who are here legally. Filled out paperwork. Gotta wait in line. The huevos love me. If they’re here legally? The huevos love me.”)
- Zucchini bread, $3.5. (“Strong bread. Good bread. See? Americans are doing great things. We put zucchini in bread. That’s not where zucchini goes, but Americans don’t care. Wonderful bread. You can just eat that. Other breads need to be part of a sandwich. Not zucchini bread. Zucchini bread is his own man.”)
- Challah French Toast Stuffed With Strawberries & Marscapone Cheese, $13. (“When I announced my campaign at Trump Tower, it was huge. Biggest announcement ever. People were cheering, and then I said the thing about immigration. That was very big for me. Many stories. My wife Melania was there and she is acknowldged as one of the great beauties. The escalator was very long and impressive, and I ride escalators very well. People know me as a successful businessman, but they haven’t seen me ride escalators.
- Eggs Benedict Your Way, #13. (“I called Marco ‘Little Marco’ because he was short. Jeb Bush has very low energy, so I called him ‘Low-Energy Jeb.’ Ted Cruz likes to lie, so I call him ‘Lyin’ Ted.’ I come up with these myself. I have ideas for both Hillary and Bernie, but I won’t tell you them yet. They’re very accurate.”)
- Grainger Hall of Gems. (“I have bought many gems. I should charge admission to see Melania’s jewelry. In fact, I’ve become quite an expert. Generally, when I buy precious stones, I end up teaching the jeweler about things. And these are real jewelers. With the little hats and everything. Diamonds. Rubies. There’s a couple blue ones. Shiny and expensive. Own many.”
- Sue, the T-Rex. (“Is America a dinosaur? Maybe. Didn’t used to be. America used to be a dolphin. Sleek. Powerful. Swims through the waves beautifully. Just beautifully. Now? We lumber around. Eating ferns. Tiny arms. You know who the comet is, right? China. And Mexicans. Also Muslims. Not all of the Mexicans, but all of the Muslims. And not the Chinese people. Chinese people are great. Made many deals with Chinese businessmen. Talking about China. Screwing us like we’re dinosaurs.”)
- Traveling the Pacific. (“Many islands in the Pacific. A lot of people tell me that I’m an island in the Pacific. Manhattan, where I own many properties, is an island. Not in the Pacific. Tried to buy Midway Island and turn it into a resort. Wanted to rename it Trump Island. Veterans complained, even though veterans love me.”)
- Lichens: The Coolest Thing You’ve Never Heard Of. (“You know what’s not cool? Riots. You know what else isn’t cool? The party elites trying to steal the nomination from me. Why did I say those two things so close together? I don’t know. Let’s be cool in Cleveland. Hate for things to get hot.”)
- The Tsavo Lions. (“Ate people. Maneaters. Lions eating people, and you’re going to ruin a good man’s life for trying to protect me? What, he grabbed her? Did he eat her? No? Some people get eaten by lions, and this woman is going to complain about a little pinch? She could have had a bomb. Might have been a living bomb. A bio-terrorist trying to give me Zika? My man doesn’t stop her, then I’ve got Zika. Can’t be president with a pinhead. Sad. People are getting eaten by lions. Bio-terrorism. Police care about this. Sad.”)
- China’s First Emperor and His Terracotta Warriors. (“China’s gonna take us over and there’s gonna be a new emperor. China’s laughing at us, and soon they’ll beat us like dogs. Chinese emperor. Chinese rules. Chinese soldiers taking your guns. Constitution? What Constitution? They can’t pronounce Constitution. Chinese emperor’s gonna walk up and down the street whipping people who don’t bow enough. I’ve been talking about this for years. Chinese emperor.”)
- Maori Meeting-House. (“I have built some of the best Maori meeting houses on the planet. Went to New Zealand to build the biggest meeting-house ever. People down there whined. That haka thing. Yelling and sticking their tongues out. That’s the way of their people. Whatever. Classiest Maori meeting-house you’ve ever seen. There was blackjack. When the market turned, I had to get out. Business. Great meeting-house.”)
- Gidwitz Hall of Birds. (“If a bird isn’t a good mother and the chick dies, the daddy bird will often eat her. Maybe that’s what should happen to women who get abortions. Get an abortion, and the father eats you. If something’s illegal, then something’s illegal. Abortion should be illegal. Will be after my Supreme Court nominee gets confirmed. Many women will be eaten, but just at first.”)
- Inside Ancient Egypt. (“Egypt is another of Obama’s failures. Many failures. He’s giving speeches. Now there are terrorists coming out of Egypt. Right? Sure, gotta be. And what’s Obama doing? Maybe he’s actually a secret Egyptian? I would drop a nuke on Cairo. United States is not negotiating from a place of strength in the Middle East. One nuke changes that. Maybe not Cairo. How about the city in Saudi Arabia? Whatever its name is. Nuke.”)
- Evolving Planet. (“Evolving? Could be. Lots of people say God did it. My Bible says that. I read my Bible. Love my Bible. Great book. My favorite book. Did God do it? God did it. Evolution says that whales evolved from fish, but there’s still fish. Explain that. I’ll go with God.”)
- Tickling until tears and vomit.
- Have to choose peas and carrots as your side dish for every meal thereafter, even if you really want fries.
- Vaginal confiscation.
- Six months hard labor building the wall along the Southern border.
- Trump Water®boarding.
- Stoning. (And not the kind that many Enthusiasts are inflicting upon themselves as we speak: the shitty kind.)
- Headshaving in the public square.
- Asshole sewn closed, fed and fed and fed and fed.
- Perhaps some sort of marking on their clothing; it should be in a bright and noticeable color, I suppose.
- Seven Minutes in Heaven with an enraged baboon.
- Locked in a refrigerator like Punky Brewster.
- Placed in a shopping cart and pushed down a big hill.
- If a woman has an abortion, then every time she gets in an elevator thereafter, a kid will press all the buttons.
- Chain gang.
- What if a man just called her a whore and punched her for a while?
- Twitter sicced on her.
- Forced to become a Mets fan.
- Stabbed to death to preserve the family’s honor.
- First Stanley Cup game played, 1894. (“Canada should be careful. Are they pulling their weight? America has to defend the whole continent? Who’s attacking Canada? No one. Why? Us. Do they chip in? No. They send their geese. Very bad animal. Not a winner. Maybe I need to build two walls. Steel, concrete. Fifty feet. But you know what? I’m gonna make Mexico pay for that one, too.”)
- Death of Karl Wallenda, 1978. (“I can walk on a tightrope. I can walk on a tightrope very well. A lot of people need the big stick. I don’t need the big stick. And I look great in the leotard. People see me in my leotard, many people, and they say how muscular I am. I can stand on one leg. I can do the somersault. Jump. Very good at tightrope walking.”)
- The Republic of China is restored, 1916. (“I know China very well. Sold many apartments to many Chinese. Do deals with the Chinese all the time. Been to Beijing on my plane. Brought my own food. Their version of Chinese food is different than ours. I can say ‘Ni Hao.’ They’re killing us, though. They own us. I’d change that. Have to be strong. Chinese? They’re pretty strong. Gotta say it, very strong, gotta say it. I’m pretty strong. I’m very strong. Strong. China.”)
- London bullion market reopens, 1954. (“Lazy way to make soup. It’s a lie. That soup is not soup you want. Y’know, the British media is very unfair. They lie. Just like the soup. Not all English are liars. Some are. Some are perverts. Perverted island. Just like the Japanese. Something about islands, turns people into sex maniacs. 400 newspapers and a good 350 are anti-Trump. Not right.”)
- James Brown born, 1920. (“A good friend. Entertained at many of my properties. In every picture of us together, he is smiling, and he should be. Didn’t smell great after the show. Once chased my butler around Mar-A-Lago for an hour with a rake. Caught him, raked him. A good raker, but not as good as me.”)
- Ukranian violinist Mykola Lysenko born, 1842. (“Who’s helping us? Around the world, I mean. We gotta fight Russia. We gotta pay. Why we gotta pay? Someone’s gotta fight Russia. That’s how the world works. Italy can’t fight Russia, so maybe they should pay us to do it. Maybe we should start World War II and make everyone else pay for it. Sounds right to me.”)
- Comet Hale-Bopp approaches earth, 1997. (“Comets are weak asteroids. Ice. Tails. Asteroids are rock.What can you make out of rock? How about a pyramid? A classy one? I build the best pyramids out of asteroids you’ve ever seen. Put it on the market, full occupancy by the end of the week. People want to be in the pyramid-asteroid business with Trump. What can you build out of a comet? Weak. Not strong.”)
- Arab League formed, 1948. (Killing us. Good friends with the Arabs. The Arabs love me. Dubai. Dealt with the Saudis on many occasion. The poor Arabs are a problem. Rich ones are great. Spoil their kids, but whatever. Great. Tough negotiators. Poor ones? I don’t know. I don’t know. Maybe we start World War III. I don’t know.”)
- Birth of author Louis L’Amour, 1908. (“I’m gonna start World War III. People have tried, but they’re losers. At my last rally, people kept coming up to me: “Mr. Trump, you would start World War III so well and so powerfully.” They’re right. The person who said that to me was Latino, by the way. Accent and everything. So, you know: that’s something I’m going to do. First day? Probably not. Quickly? Yes.”)
The Washington Post made the correct decision to release the transcript of their chat with Don Trump bereft of commentary. I’ll do the same, but I will quote from the presumptive Republican nominee.
But things are a much different thing.
Eloquent. Makes Lincoln seem like the Boom Goes the Dynamite kid.
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