Tag: donald trump (Page 31 of 32)

This movie only ends one way.  Someone’s gonna die. More specifically, someone’s getting shot. Cities are gonna burn.

There are so many kitchens to walk through between now and November.

First as tragedy, then as the farce awakens: we’re in another reboot, Enthusiasts.

But this movie only ends one way.

1. Forrest Gump. (“Forrest was a business man. That’s what we need in this country. China’s got Forrest Gumps out the ass. Run here. Run there. We don’t run anymore. Jenny died of AIDS, but the kid wasn’t retarded. Bittersweet ending.”)
2. The Lion King. (“If a lion ate Trump Steaks, it would be the real king of the jungle. What’s a lion eating? Gazelle? What’s a gazelle? Weak deer. No good. You need steak. Trump Steak.”)
3. True Lies. (“Arnold is a good friend. Been my guest at many of my properties. Humped many maids at Mar-A-Lago, but also many attractive women. Married for power. I married for looks. Don’t need more power. On many occasions, Arnold remarked on my power. He did it in that accent. I can’t do it. You know how it goes.”)
4. The Santa Clause. (“Love Tim Allen. Good friend. Great guy. Smart. Love Tim Allen. Made mistakes. Love Tim Allen.”)
5. The Flintstones. (“Many of the people who made that movie the number five grossing film of the year are now voting for me. Most. Probably most.”)
6. Dumb And Dumber. (“You’re expecting me to make a joke about Little Marco and Teddy here. I’m not going to do that, even though they are very dumb men. Just not bright. Great educations. Didn’t take.”)
7. Clear And Present Danger. (“Tom Clancy is one of the best American writers. Hands down. Nobody describes submarines better. Is he dead? If he is, I was very sad when he died.”)
8. Speed. (“A lot of people say I remind them of a bus with a bomb on it. I can’t slow down. Hillary’s pretty slow. Bernie? C’mon. Commie turtle. I go fast. Speed.”)
9. The Mask. (“Cameron Diaz. Banged her. She’ll deny it. Banged her.”)
10. Pulp Fiction. (“I hope no one rapes any blacks at any of my rallies. Shouldn’t happen. Not good for anyone. Sometimes things happen. People get excited at my rallies.”)

The Germans, you see, were monsters. Their leaders all the way down to Gustav and Sabine in the bierhall. Not just volk; they were demons and ghouls and fearful things, every last one of them.

And the Turks, for a little while. Monsters, not men, not women, not scared. Not people who believed the same things everyone else on their block did. Monsters.

Either the Hutus or the Tutsis were complete monsters; I can’t remember which, but they were monsters.

History at a distance resembles nothing more than the study of monsters.

But history doesn’t apply to us. Nothing like that could ever happen here, in America, where we are not monsters.

Words are important. Without them, newspapers would look odd and ordering Chinese food would be virtually impossible. If there were no words, then poets would make even less money than they currently do. What would Cameo have sung about? What would we deliver to our mothers, courtesy of Vanilla Ice? What would the buh-buh-buh-buh-bird be?

The power of a word has little relationship to its size; in fact, the most necessary words are often the smallest. Try getting through a workday without “is.” Hell, try getting through a complete thought without “is.” That tiny little phoneme is a monstrously large concept: “is” (and obviously I’m talking about all the conjugations of “to be” here) is a transformative. “Is” changes one thing into another.

Judy is a punk.

Look what you just did to Judy with one sibilant syllable. Judy went from one state to another, like water freezing into ice.

“A” is important, but nowhere near as kingly as “I,” with its demanded capitalization. Don’t think “a” is meaningful? Then you must not think there’s a difference between being in a band in high school, and being in the band in high school.

Now, I love a good “tintinnabulation” or “boviscopophobia” or “arteriosclerotic” as much as the next man, but give me “run” any day. “Run” has somewhere around 400 definitions; “catafalque” only has one, and it’s very specific. “Run” is a rat, or a cockroach, or a human: it adapts and evolves and can live anywhere; “catafalque” is a panda.

Some words’ utility–and I’m getting to my point here, I swear–lies not in the word itself, not in the information contained within, but in what their use says about the speaker. Some words (or phrases) are like the flashy colors on poisonous frogs or the ass-castanets on a rattlesnake: clear and unmistakable warning to stay well the fuck back.

I suppose we should thank these words. So often, it takes forever to realize that you’re dealing with an unstable nincompoop, but certain words speed up the process.

This is an incomplete list, and feel free to chime in.

Words That Let You Know A Person Isn’t To Be Taken Seriously:

• SJW. (If you use this term, I immediately assume you were angerbating as you typed it.)
• Cuck. (Have you heard this one? It’s wonderful. Cuck is short for “cuckservative,” which is a fairly new term for establishment Republicans. The word derives from “cuckold,” which is Old French in origin and referred to the cuckoo bird’s sly habit of laying its eggs in another bird’s nest, and has historically meant “a guy whose wife is fucking around on him.” Lately, though, the word’s acquired a lovely racial component, too, because America and the internet make everything better.)
• Problematic. (We’ve gone over this before. Opinions, arguments, art, entertainment: the problem does not emanate from within these things. Now, you might have a problem with them. I have many problems with many things. Slapping the label of PROBLEMATIC on ideas or statements short-circuits thought and strips any criticism of agency.)
• Mr. Trump. (His supporters call him that. Swear to God. I understand that the assholes that work for him call him that, because they are assholes, and he forces them to, but people who aren’t contractually obligated to, call him that. Grown-ups. People want a strongman. They always have.)
• Shrillary. (Or any similar sobriquet for Mrs. Clinton. There’s so much to find fault with: her arrogance, her withered husk of a soul, her boundless enthusiasm for bombing brown people, the fact that she murdered Vince Foster with her bare hands; you choose to attack her appearance and performance? Her appearance might be the most acceptable thing about her: she actually combs her fucking hair, unlike some doomed Commies I could mention.)
• Bernie Bro. (Only SJW’s say Bernie Bro.)
• Mansplaining. (This one’s tricky: I agree with the spirit of the word. Men often speak to women as though women were particularly dim foreign children. In men’s defense, many women are scatter-brained, flighty, and emotional; on occasion, one will even become hysterical. It’s the literal word I don’t like: it’s ugly-sounding and fake, like a fictional brand from a movie. I propose this: men stop condescending to women so the word disappears from use. Two problems solved with one action: that’s American efficiency.)
• Toxin. (Sarin gas is a toxin. Are you warning me that a chemical attack is taking place? If so: thank you very much. If not, stop saying toxin at me. Because I translate that word in my head to “ill humours” and wonder if you’re going to suggest a strenuous bleeding and a donkey-urine bath.)
• Racebaiting. (Sometimes, a black guy will have the temerity to point out racism, but–and this is amazing–it turns out that it’s his fault for bringing it up. Weird how that happens.)
• Hater. (Please. Please. I beg the world on my hands and knees: stop with the “hater” nonsense. The word sends screwballs of rage and terror through my brain like some horrible prionic ailment: Furious Cow Disease. Nazis were haters. The whole Balkan region excels at hating. People who think you’re an asshole aren’t haters, they’re usually just observant.)

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program of imagined conversations with dead rock stars.

• Alpaca Connection. (“Not a camel. When I look at an alpaca, I wish I had a camel. Camel gets things done. Alpaca sweaters? Sure. Alpaca? C’mon. Gimme a camel or I get someone who can gimme a camel.”)
• Chipotle. (“Again, the Mexicans kill our people. How they gonna do it? With a knife? A gun? A burrito? You never know. How much longer are we gonna put up with it? When I’m President? Gonna be a lot more burger eating. Same thing as a burrito. Delivery system for meat and toppings. But, you know: burger waited in line to get in. Didn’t hop a fence.”)
• American Girl Bistro. (“My wife Melania is a real American girl. Don’t you want to see that as a first lady? Huh? Right? I mean: what we got now? Not gonna do it for me. Melania is a real American. “)
• Apple Store. (“When I’m President, Apple’s gonna give me what I want. I’m gonna get what I want. What do I want? Terrorists. Now, am I gonna go into this Tim Cook’s–a real loser, by the way–office and have his staff executed in front of him until he hacks the phone for me?  I don’t know. I know I’m gonna be the best President ever.”)
• Minnesota Sealife Aquarium. (“Loser fish. Stupid? Slow? Maybe they just like being taken care of by the government. Gimme a fish out in the ocean. I’m great with fish, by the way. Catching them, eating them. Just an all-around expert on fish.”)
• Long John Silver’s. (“Now you’re talking. Again: fish. Fish don’t invade our country. Fish don’t want to force you to get married at a mosque. Bread ’em. Mayo. I don’t like tomato, but a lot of people do, and that’s fine. Whatever, have your tomatoes. The fish is what we’re talking about. The fish is why we’re here, right? Fish.”)
• Ice Skating Rink. (“People forget that I built an ice skating rink. Wolman Rink in Central Park. Best ice rink in the world. Many of the greatest ice skaters have skated there and thanked me. A few cried. If you can do a lutz on a normal rink, you can do a salchow on mine. My rink also adds an axel. You could do a double somewhere else? Triple on mine. It’s the best ice in the world.”)
• Brookstone. (“Classy place. Very classy. I don’t ever sit in the massage chair. Thing’s filthy. C’mon. Great business. It sells stuff morons think rich people have. Luckily, many rich people are morons. Great business. Got one of their radios in my shower.”)
• Hooters. (“The wings are actually pretty good. Not bad wings. Let’s be honest: about the tits. Lot of people gonna have a problem with that. Hillary sure will. She has a problem with a lot of things. But, you know: no one’s going for the wings. But they are pretty good. People are gonna say the place is sexist. That’s dumb. That’s dumb. How can tits be sexist? Tit’s can’t be sexist: women have them. C’mon.”)

• Cabbage. (“Needy. A needy food. Gotta add mayo. Stuff it in an egg roll. Not gonna just eat cabbage. Helper vegetable. Not the leader this country needs.”
• Five-pound bag of rice. (“That’s a good amount of rice. Last a while. Many people have said that I am a five-pound bag of rice. Do I agree? That’s for the American people to decide in November.”)
• Cookie Crisp cereal. (“Milk just doesn’t get to it. Rice Krispies? They’re mush in seconds. Cookie Crisp? Hours. Maintains integrity in the face of adversity, just like me. I’m Cookie Crisp, Obama is Rice Krispies. Maybe Cocoa Krispies, I don’t know.”)
• Sheet cake with Happy Birthday, Linda written on it. (“Happy birthday, Linda.”)
• Refried beans. (“How many times you gotta fry a bean? Americans fry a bean right the first time. American beans have been getting laughed at for years. Don’t you thing it’s time to turn that around?”)
• Sargento shredded cheese. (“You can’t shred your own cheese? Government is not going to shred your cheese for you. A lot of people want that, but it’s not gonna happen. Government can’t shred your cheese.”)
• Boar’s Head maple-smoked honey-baked ham. (“That ham is really getting knocked around. Lot of stuff going on with that ham. You know what? Still tastes like ham. Strong meat. ISIS is afraid of it. Great meat.”)
• Italian bread. (“This Pope’s got a lotta nerve. No class. How dare he question my faith? No one loves Jesus more than me. Many people have noticed how much love I have for Jesus. Pope doesn’t like my wall, but he’s got his own. Real religious. You know who else is religious? ISIS. Media doesn’t look into that, just wants to attack Trump.”)
• Keebler Town House crackers. (“We know nothing about these elves. What do they want? Maybe we need a list of elves. I own many trees.”)
• Aunt Jemima pancake mix. (“Aunt Jemima is a great Black. I have great support in the Black community, and Jemima is a friend. Good breakfast, and good Black.”)
• Ricola throat drops. (“Don’t use them. Never touch them. Unlike a lot of candidates, I never have trouble with my throat. Many doctors have told me I have the healthiest throat they’re ever seen.”)