Tag: phish (Page 7 of 10)

I’m glad the Dead’s gone, because if they existed today and there were chat rooms and forums and real-time bitching and whining surrounding the band like a chili fart in a sleeping bag, I would be a fan of some other group. (Of course, every group–and every hobby, in fact–has this problem now.)

You may remember, Enthusiasts, that The Phishes made several of their shows available for a reasonable price on the innertubes last week; you may also remember that I watched the pirated feed like a filthy criminal. Both shows were entertaining, and they played some songs I knew: I had a lovely time and plan on stealing several more of their performances this summer. At one point–and this is true–I was upright and dancing. Now, I did not rise from my seat specifically to dance–I was wandering around in my kitchen trying to remember how to make coffee–but the music did indeed induce a boogie.

Apparently, though, those shows were the musical equivalent of Seastones + Metal Machine Music + the Holocaust. Phish, I learned, had let the side down in a way not seen since Custer, if Custer had been urinating on an American flag while being killed by Indians. The overwhelming opinion was that it would have been better if Phish had not played at all. (I won’t go so far as to say that only thing that would make a Phish Person happier than tour dates being announced is tour dates being cancelled, but that would be exaggeration: if the band didn’t play, then there would be nothing to complain about.)

There are many forums and places to discuss The  Phishes, and I will not lie: some of them are downright vicious. (Although any un-moderated, anonymous internet community becomes a hellhole within minutes.) This is a list of recent threads on one forum:

• Phuck Phish.
• Do you think they’re playing poorly on purpose?
• I hate Trey so much.
• SHILLARY4PRISON
• Remember how good Phish used to be?
• DAE feel like this tour is murdering their families in front of them?
• Petition to infect Page with Zika.
• Which band member is the worst?
• String Cheese Incident is so much better than Phish that Phish should kill themselves.
• Phish has too many songs.
• Phish should write more songs.

I’m gonna stay here with you, in the 70’s. It’s quieter.

I have discovered something worse than the Dead & Company Couch Tour chat rooms.

Phish Couch Tour chat rooms.

(If you know where to find such things, then you can watch The Phishes live from Wrigley Field; they’re sounding pretty good. (Unless you are a Phish Phan, in which case they suck.)

Psst.

Hey. Over here.

All the Phish Persons care about this weekend is Dick’s, so let’s make fun of ’em. Here’s some stuff you didn’t know about Phish:

• It’s pronounced “fish”.
• In 1998 alone, the band’s tour bus hit six separate homeless people; never even slowed down.
• Can no longer go to aquariums on their days off because of what Mike did to that manta ray. (Fucked, ate.)
• Phish was actually put together by legendary music-biz dude Lou Adler and many of their early hits were written by Neil Diamond.
• Page still sleeps with the light on.
• Mike Gordon’s entire torso is covered with pictures of other famous people with two first names, such as Dick Clark, David Keith, and Keith David.
• Half of the band is illiterate; the other two are able to read, but think that books “are for fruits.”
• The entire band and crew has Estonian stamps in their passports, but no one can remember going there.
• You thought the Dead were an American phenomenon?
• Outside the States, the Phishes wouldn’t even recognize one another.
• Mike is fluent in French and German; he argues with himself in the languages before masturbating, which he calls “invading Paris.”
• Fishman’s generally not the introspective type, but once or twice each tour, he’ll sit in his hotel room and he and the dress will silently stare at one another for an hour or so.
• No music, TV, nothing.
• Fishman sits with his choices, he sits with the dress.
• The first hiatus was not their choice: Trey had been secretly suspended by the Commissioner for betting on jams.
• Everyone makes fun of Mike’s Instagram account behind his back and also to his face.
• Sometimes, no one feels like jamming endlessly.
• They still do.
• But, you know: whatevs.
• The next time any Grateful Deads come sniffing around looking for new members, Page is going to cut a bitch.
• Page knows that Page Side is Rage Side; Page knows that when he goes to a restaurant, he says “chicken fingers” to the pretty lady; and he knows that Phish is Phish.
• As a keyboard player, Page is instinctively wary of the Dead.
• For twenty years now, Trey has collected money for lottery tickets every week; he’s never bought a single ticket, just pocketed the cash and told everyone they lost.
• The deception gives him a boner.
• When Mike decided to do his high-fashion makeover a few years ago, he went all in and you do not want to know what is going on with his pubic hair.
• In addition the clothes and the haircut and the social media, Mike has also been using teen slang a lot lately, and the next time he calls anyone “fam,” Fishman’s going to stab him.
• If you include the lead-up to Santa Clara, Trey has pretty much been soloing for ten weeks straight.
• The amount of joy that Page gets out of revolving doors is off-putting from a grown man.

“Dick’s!”

“Love Dick’s.”

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve been thinking about Dick’s for weeks now.”

“Oh, I’ve been dreaming about Dick’s.”

“It’s caused some problems at home: my wife says that I’m obsessed with Dick’s.”

“There you go: I hide my love of Dick’s from my family.”

“Loved the ball; don’t get me wrong.”

“Great ball.”

“But, after you’re done with the ball–”

“–you want Dick’s.”

…

“Who’s talking?”

“Don’t worry about it, Page.”

“Okay.”