What the hell are you doing here, Tim Tebow?

“I don’t know. I prayed too hard and now I’m here.”

You should be careful with that.

“My prayers are powerful. I once made a Filipino boy’s head explode just by believing in Jesus real hard. It’s like Jesus said: Faith is a sword to be used against Southeast Asians.”

You’re nuts, huh?

“I’m engaged! To a woman. In fact, she’s won many awards for how womanly she is.”

She used to be Miss Universe.

“Right. Which means she outranks both Miss America and Miss World. That’s the chain of command.”

Sure. You nervous?

“I am! Listen, Mr. on the Dead, I don’t know if you know this, but…I’m a virgin.”

Of course I know. Everybody knows. You talk about it into microphones. Not a secret.

“The Bible teaches us that our bodies are sinful, filthy things that should only be shared with the person we love.”

That’s one reading of the book, I suppose.

“And now me and Demi-Leigh–”

Of course that’s her name.

“–are committing ourselves to each other under the watchful eyes of Jesus and I’m a little nervous about what to do.”

You mean after the wedding?

“Yeah. Do I do something before I stick my monkey into her belly button?”

What?

“I know at some point I stick my monkey right in her belly button. But I think that we kiss first. Does anyone get shut in a hamper?”

No.

“Okay, so it’s just kiss and then straight to monkey time.”

You are talking about your dick, right?

“I won’t have your caca language. Save that for your Starbucks coffees and your debauchery.”

You’ve never had Starbucks?

“That’s sinful froth and I won’t allow it into my temple. You know what makes the body a temple? Same thing that makes a building a church: consecration. The Lord blessed my form, and therefore purified it. Devils may not enter my holy abode.

What about Dunkin Donuts?

“I get breakfast sandwiches from there sometimes.”

Sure. Tell me more about your monkey.

“The thing down there. That’s what we called it in my family. And when it stood up, Momma would say, ‘The monkey’s climbing the tree!’ and everybody would laugh.”

Wow.

“And I’m gonna stick it in her belly-button and rub it around.”

Stop saying that. Where did you hear that, anyway?

“Some kids at school.”

Well, don’t listen to them. Didn’t you get any sex education at all?

“My church views both ‘sex’ and ‘education’ as sinful.”

Makes sense. Do you want me to walk you through this?

“Oh, please.”

Okay. It’s been a while, but I think I remember how it goes. First is kissing. You were right about that.

“Cool. Kiss first. When you kiss a girl, do you suck or blow?”

Neither.

“I thought it was like CPR and you tried to overinflate her lungs.”

Why would you do that?

“I don’t know. Human mating is weird.”

I’m just gonna continue. After the initial kissing comes the rubbing up on each other.

“All over?”

Oh, yeah.

“Her fruitful bosoms?”

Yup.

“Should I honk them?”

Under no circumstances.

“My instinct is to honk them. Like, I wanna actually make the noise.”

I understand. All men harbor this desire. But don’t.

“Should I knead powerfully?”

No.

“Mash them against her sternum real hard?”

Also no. Just kinda massage ’em. You could even go to sloppy second.

“What’s that?”

Boobie lickin’.

“It is magnificent, the variety of sin God has availed of us!”

Yeah, but it’s your wife. Won’t be a sin.

“All pleasure is evil. These are the words of Christ the Scourge. Still, I will fulfill my duties as a husband. I will attend to her nipples.”

And then you need to attend to her vagina.

“HEATHEN! SMITE HIM, SCOURGE!”

…

“Did your head explode?”

No. I outrank Miss Universe around here. “Vagina” is the scientific term and the medical term and the proper term.

“Can’t we just call it ‘down there?'”

No.

“Question.”

Shoot.

“When we say…vagina…what are we talking about? The whole part? Like, all of the workings in the area under a pair of shorts? How much of the upper leg is the vagina? Is the butt included? What about the butthole? Also: do girls have buttholes?”

I’ll answer the last question first.

“Great,”

Girls have buttholes.

“Wow. I have a lot of follow-up questions now.”

Well get back to them. The vagina is the little flappy part of a lady right in front of her taint. Guards the female innards. Behind the vagina is a series of tubes. The butthole plays no part.

“I’m learning so much. What do I do to it?”

You beat it up, son.

…

“Really?”

NO! Do not beat up the vagina.

“I was, like, 75% sure you were joking, but I needed to be sure.”

Do the opposite of that. Be solicitous of the vagina. Caress it and perform zerberts on its protuberances.

“With my mouth?”

Yeah.

“The same mouth I praise Jesus with?”

I guess.

“SMITE HIM, LORD! PLUCK HIM FROM THE WORLD OF MEN!”

Stop that.

“You suggest filth! You offer up maggots made from sin to worm in upon my soul! You liken humans to animals slurping at their genitals in the barn?”

Pretty much.

“Devil!”

How are you this sheltered? You’re 31 years old.

“Christ swats ribaldry from my ears, that my soul may remain beautiful as I prepare my body for His return.”

Good excuse.

“Guys really do that? You put your mouth on her forest? Do you chew?”

Absolutely not. Delicate nibbling at most.

“And why am I doing this?”

Because the act is enjoyable by all parties.

“Only to the unsaved. It’s like Jesus said, Look at all of you rutting like hogs. Disgusting. All of you make me want to vomit. Sexual relations are to be endured so that babies may be produced.”

We definitely have different Bibles. Oh, and you’re doing this because you gotta warm your old lady up. She’s a virgin, too, right?

“By the grace of God, she has defended her castle until it was the right time for a Knight of Christ to cross the drawbridge, and assume the throne.”

Yeah, so she’ll be clamped down tight. Gonna have to coax those castle doors open. Might wanna bring some grease.

“Bacon?”

Do not pour bacon grease on your wife’s vagina, Tim Tebow. I meant lubricant.

“Can I just eat the bacon grease straight out of the pan?”

Forget I said “grease.” I regret using the word.

“Well, you got in my head. I gotta get some breakfast sandwiches now. We’ll continue this later.”

Excuse me? You leave when I say you can–

…

Hello? Tim Tebow?

…

Wow. He just left.