Thoughts On All The Stupid Trailers At Once

• If you do not plink on the piano in an ominous fashion to start your trailers, the movie cops come to your house and shoot you right in your cocaine.
• Beeblebrox Castanet is sad, and wants to know things.
• He learns things, and shaves.
• But someone is evil, and has also learned things.
• Burpandfart Crapandpiss doubts himself, but he is encourages by a Magical Negro.
• Literally.
• There is Inceptioning.
• We end with a joke.

Odds I See This Film In A Theater 30%. I like the character, and I like Mads Mikkelson, who plays the bad guy, but I’m tired of people throwing computer graphics at each other.

• I am standing strong on my “pass” on Eddie Redmayne.
• His face is like a whimsical dodecahedron.
• And the other guy, the fat guy?
• Between the two of them, there’s a lot of theater-kidding go on in this trailer.
• If you sang the first line of a Sondheim song, the two of them would finish it, in harmony, at the top of their lungs.
• They’re desperate for more Harry Potter bullshit, except this one’s set in Depression-era New York instead of Magic Eton, and instead of cute kids and scenery-chewing veterans, it’s Colin Ferrell and Jon Voight and terrible CG.
• The main guy loses some monsters and has to get them back or blah blah blah.
• Basically Pokemon Go with wands.
• We end with a joke.

Odds I See This Film In A Theater 1%. If Amanda Seyfried called and wanted to see it with me, I would go. Other than that, it’s not going to happen.

• Yes, please.
• Vietnam movie with a giant ape?
• Viet Kong?
• Yes, please.
• Samuel L. Jackson and John Goodman glowering at one another, and then monsters vs. Charlie Company?
• Again: yes, please.
• Brie Larson is having a great year.
• She won an Oscar, so now she gets to be a super-hero, and also the blonde lady in the monster movie who looks up at the monster.
• “Blonde Lady Who Looks At Monster” is a coveted role in Hollywood, if you think about it.
• I am, however, not buying Tim Higgledypiggledy as an action hero.
• I am also not buying him as Taylor Swift’s boyfriend.
• I will continue to buy him as Loki.
• This film is apparently the first in what will hopefully be a series: the next one will star Godzilla*, and the third will be the showdown between the two.
• Yes, please.

*I was wrong: that last Godzilla, the one he was in for eight minutes? That was the first, and it was so terrible I forgot it existed.

Odds I See This Film In A Theater 99%. If someone were to pay me a substantial-enough fee, or there were mutant bikers setting peacocks on fire outside my door the day I wanted to go, or my girlfriend Amanda Seyfried didn’t want to go, then I would forego seeing this masterpiece in the theater. Otherwise, the whole point of this movie is the big screen: King Kong’s all scaled up so he can fight Godzilla, and John Goodman’s in it.

• This looks dreadful, but I am prepared to give it the benefit of the doubt having just seen The Man From UNCLE the other night, also directed by Guy Richie, and enjoying it throughly.
• And I also liked Snatch and the first Sherlock Holmes movie, even though it made no sense.
• King Arthur has a black friend now, played by Djembe Houston.
• I am sure that the guy who is playing King Arthur auditioned for the par of Thor.
• Is Jude Law the bad guy?
• Is he Merlin?
• Why are there elephants in England?
• It is cold in England.
• Elephants would die, especially in the past.
• Why do you have elephants, King Arthur?
• And do not tell me that the black guy brought them, because that is racist as shit, King Arthur.
• Fuck you, King Arthur.
• How’d you get to be king, anyway?
• …
• You all did the Monty Python bit, didn’t you?
• Predictable.
• King Kong>King Arthur.

Odds I See This Film In A Theater 10%. This seems like something CotD (Cousin on the Dead) would enjoy and he always buys the popcorn, so I’m going with 10%.

Any more videos will crash a page or two, so I’ll do the stupid DC movies in a separate post. Stay tuned, true believers!