• That’s what I’m calling the second one: Jurassic Parker.
  • Even though the sequel is mostly unlike the original in every way including how Postlethwaitey it is.
  • The first film has utterly no Pete Postlethwaite.
  • Which, to some, makes it inferior.
  • The vast majority of critics prefer the first, even labeling it a classic, but the second movie is deeply weird and dark and the characters so damnably stupid that you’re rooting for them to be lunchified within seconds of their introductions.
  • Only four people get eaten in the first (according to the tenets of Without Research): the zookeeper in the opening scene, Newman, Samuel L. Jackson, and Jonathan Price.
  • And only Newman fully deserved it.
  • Jonathan Price does abandon the children in the first T-Rex attack, but that can be ascribed to panic.
  • The rest is just cheap anti-lawyer animus; his whole character is drawn that way, even though he’s absolutely right the entire time.
  • Forget about the dinosaurs.
  • Leave out the dinosaur portion of the equation and think of it how they taught us in economics class.
  • John Hammond had an idea for a new widget.
  • If realized, this widget would bring a high profit.
  • Interested parties gave John Hammond capital to build the widgets.
  • The widgets just ate a guy.
  • Don’t the investors at this point have not just the legal right to examine the factory, but the fiduciary obligation to do so?
  • I would argue that they do.
  • Spielberg and the writers disagree.
  • Lawyers get in the way of Great Men, and John Hammond is one.
  • For example, if lawyers had their way, John Hammond would appear in the second film only via tele-link from prison, where he would be spending the rest of his wheezy, avuncular life.
  • Along with every other human being along the way who knew about Jurassic Park and didn’t immediately call in an airstrike.
  • MILITARY CELL PHONE NOISE
  • “Aye-aye?”
  • “Oh, yeah, hi. I need you to bring some ships down here and kill an island.”
  • “Who is this?”
  • “My name’s Randy. I was flown in to do some of the finish work on the banistering all throughout the resort. I’m a master carpenter, local 547 out of San Diego, how are you, and you need to bring, like, the Iowa over here and shoot this whole island until it doesn’t exist any more.”
  • “Uh-huh. Randy?”
  • “Randy Vandewater. It’s Dutch, but I’m American through and through. I’m gonna read you the coordinates and–“
  • “Randy, this is not how it works. Civilians don’t get to call in military strikes. Most people in the military don’t get to call in strikes, come to think about it. Very few people are authorized to have artillery sent to where they’re pointing. And y’know what? It’s a good policy. So, Randy, you have yourself a good day.”
  • “There’s dinosaurs.”
  • “Oh, shit, hombre, why didn’t you say so? The Navy is on that shit.”
  • Everyone is complicit in the tragedies of Jurassic Park.
  • It’s a cliché at this point to note how strikingly well the CG has held up, and it’s similarly cliché to mention how much of the “CG” is practical.
  • They just built dinosaurs out of metal and latex.
  • Spielberg wants a T-Rex, Spielberg gets a T-Rex.
  • The leads work in the first; not as much the second.
  • Sam Neil and Laura Dern are the white bread to Jeff Goldblum’s spicy, cured meats and cheeses.
  • It’s good white bread.
  • Handmade and fresh.
  • But they were just Handsome Guy and Blonde Girl.
  • Goldblum’s where your action is.
  • He’s wearing leather blazers.
  • He’s greasier than your uncle’s dick on Monday morning.
  • He’s delivering his lines as though he had auto-tuned the words to a Coleman Hawkins’ solo.
  • Goldblum’s the key to it all, man.
  • But in the second movie, they fuck up the Goldblum.
  • They surround him with a pre-bloat Vince Vaughn, who is some sort of nature photographer/secret agent for PETA, and Julianne Moore, who is doing less.
  • Julianne Moore is giving precisely the amount of effort required of a show business professional, and not one iota more.
  • I say this as a fan of Ms. Moore’s, and someone who’s seen many of her films.
  • She is capable of better work.
  • And shackle him with a kid, because the Park ain’t quite Jurassic unless a child or two is in danger.
  • This does not work for two reasons: casting and Jeff Goldblum Is Weird Around Children.
  • The actress who played the daughter was (and, I’m assuming, still is) African-American.
  • Not mixed.
  • We’re not talking a Rashida Jones-type situation.
  • And she just pops up on-screen and goes “Dad!” and Goldblum goes “My daughter!” or something like that, and it’s very confusing for a minute.
  • But then you think, “Adoption.”
  • Or maybe not.
  • The movie does not let us know.
  • It lets Vince Vaughn and Toby from the West Wing joke about it and look like assholes.
  • And other people’s relationships are none of our business, especially when it comes to family matters.
  • Yet: my curiosity remained.
  • One line!
  • One line could’ve fixed it:
  • “Ah, Dr. Malcolm, thank you for coming. I hear you’ve been so sad since your wife left you and your three adopted black children.”
  • One line.
  • And then that line’s like Chekhov’s Gun: you’re now waiting for the black kid to show up.
  • When she does?
  • Oh, there’s that adopted black child John Hammond was talking about.
  • (In reality, Spielberg had adopted some kids around that time. They were black kids, and maybe he thought that they’d never seen an onscreen representation of the relationship he had with ’em. Which is sweet, and makes me a dick for goofing on, but it was just so distracting. How about you pan past a picture of Goldblum and his three adopted black kids and the wife’s got a post-it note over her face?)
  • The second reason the daughter character doesn’t work is that Jeff Goldblum Is Weird Around Children.
  • Not bad weird.
  • Not the kind of weird that make you rethink your position on Jeff Goldblum.
  • Just awkward and confused.
  • Goldblum, you see, seduces.
  • Men, women, coffee shops and nightclubs: Goldblum seduces.
  • Every line is a come-on.
  • This does not work with children.
  • Think about Jeff Goldblum’s oeuvre.
  • Don’t oeuvre-think it though.
  • Booo!
  • Yeah, that was dreadful.
  • Anyway, getting back to Goldblum and his body of work: notice a lot of “Dad” roles in there?
  • Tom Hanks plays Dad.
  • Jeff Goldblum plays the uncle who never got married.
  • Reasons Jurassic Parker Is Better Than The Original
    • Pete Postlethwaite.
    • Pete Postlethwaite’s head. (Name a better head. I’m talking the whole picture: face, skull, everything. The man’s noggin exhibits the Golden Ratio in myriad ways; it has been noted by scientists. )
    • Peter Stormare as “Foreign Mercenary Who Doesn’t Like Dinosaurs.”
    • The jeeps in the dinosaur hunt scene have passenger’s seats that slide out to give the occupant more room to shoot, and the 8-year-old in me would greatly enjoy playing with that toy.
    • The final reel, in which a T-Rex wanders through suburban San Diego, is so dumb I can’t believe it stuck to the film; I love it so.
  • And then there’s the final shot, which is the moron cherry atop the shitheaded cake: the T-Rex, having been wrangled back aboard the ship, being escorted back to Isla Nublar under Navy protection.
  • Like, eight ships real close around.
  • Instead of–and don’t get ahead of me–killing the monster and setting its nest on fire.
  • Isla Nublar is a foreign country to America, I would assume?
  • Because that makes letting a T-Rex loose in San Diego an act of war.
  • None of these movies discuss the political reality that any American president would be forced to bomb these islands off the planet.
  • Politically, “destroy the monsters” is a no-brainer; even No-Brain could figure this one out.
  • Your church groups are going to support it, your chambers of commerce are gonna be for it, and the housewives in the Midwest love the idea.
  • We can’t have dinosaurs infiltrating America and refusing to assimilate, or speak our language, or not eat our children.
  • Or worse.
  • Some dinosaurs rape.
  • Paleontologists don’t like to talk about it, but it’s true.
  • Facts don’t care about your feelings, and the facts are: some dinosaurs rape.
  • You’ve lost the plot, haven’t you?
  • I have, yes.
  • Take five, slugger.