Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On The Under Siege Films

  • I cannot lie to you, Enthusiasts: I am not flourishing.
  • Outside is trying to kill me, and it does not sit well.
  • Outside and I were never tight.
  • Always preferred Inside, personally.
  • You can adjust the temperature, and there are fewer insects.
  • And maybe a pool table.
  • Very strange to find a pool table Outside.
  • But it wasn’t actively lethal.
  • One could venture out at one’s wont, perhaps for breakfast meats, or to wander aimlessly around a bookstore.
  • Outside was there, if you get my meaning.
  • It was like Hunter’s famous case of Retsina.
  • Its presence was more important than its use.
  • But now: poof.
  • No more Outside.
  • Full of monsters and poison and keyed-up fools.
  • So I am staying Inside, and it’s fucking getting to me.
  • For example: tonight’s double-feature.
  • Maybe–MAYBE–I could defend watching the first Under Siege.
  • But not the second one.
  • There’s no excuse for that choice.
  • Torrented it, too.
  • I broke the fucking law to watch Under Siege 2: Dark Territory.
  • It involved a train.
  • The first one involved a battleship, and it’s a superior film in every way.
  • For one, it stars Tommy Lee Jones as the bad guy instead of Eric Bogosian’s White Afro.
  • That’s a downgrade.
  • That’s reserving a Mustang and finding out there’s only a broken skateboard available.
  • The first Under Siege also contains this shot at the end, which is one of my favorite images from all of cinematic history:

  • Now, I was never in the Navy.
  • Nor any other branch of service.
  • But I’m almost positive you’re not allowed to wear friendship bracelets with your uniform.
  • The Navy’s really uptight about what clothes people wear.
  • There’s a whole book!
  • Again: I have no personal experience with service, but I know these things to be true.
  • You can’t wear your Molly Hatchet tee-shirt on duty.
  • Or your flippity-flops.
  • And you certainly can’t pair a pink friendship bracelet with your dress blues.
  • It’s literally why they call it a UNI-form.
  • Only one way to wear it right.
  • This is at the end of the movie, after Steven Seagal has murdered everyone.
  • Despite being only a cook.
  • (Steven Seagal is only a cook. He used to be a SEAL or something, but was disgraced or something, and so he’s available to murder all the bad guys. You don’t need to concern yourself with the details. I didn’t, and I watched the movies, so why should you? “Steven Seagal pretends to be a cook, but is in actuality Steven Seagal” is the elevator pitch. He does a lot of his murder with knives, though.)
  • The only reason I could recommend watching the second of the Under Siege bilogy is to see for yourself how lazy it is.
  • Bilogy is a word.
  • One less than a trilogy is a bilogy.
  • Sure, it’s an unpleasant word, but so is war, man.
  • Embrace the bilogy.
  • Anyway, the first one was directed by the same guy who did Air Force One and The Fugitive, and the second one was not.
  • Like, at all.
  • There’s a train, and an evil satellite, and–as I mentioned–Eric Bogosian’s White Afro.
  • And teenaged Katherine Heigl.
  • “GET AWAY FROM STEVEN SEAGAL, TEENAGED KATHERINE HEIGL!”
  • I yelled that at the screen during several scenes.
  • “THE WORST PLACE TO BE IS NEXT TO HIM!”
  • But Katherine Heigl’s a pro, and so she acquitted herself, I suppose.
  • At one point, she does something with a grenade, and you’re like “Way to go, Katherine Heigl. Knew you had it in you, sweetie.”
  • Hey, pal?
  • Mm?
  • Remember when this site was about the Grateful Dead?
  • It was such a long time ago.
  • There’s been some drift.
  • I’m going to continue discussing the Under Siege bilogy.
  • That is not a word.
  • Ignoring you.
  • The point I’m trying poorly to make is this: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory is a far worse movie than Under Siege, and this makes it much better.
  • The first one is well shot, and acted, and they had a real battleship.
  • Which just illuminates what a piece of shit the film is.
  • You can’t steal a fucking battleship.
  • It’s just dumb.
  • And even if a battleship did get stolen, the Navy could fix the issue quickly.
  • It’s a boat!
  • Sink it!
  • PROBLEM SOLVED.
  • The second one, though, was all shot in a studio on a fake train surrounded by rear projectors and no gave any shits at all.
  • In the first film, the fight sequences are tight and well-choreographed affairs full of force and violence, and in the second Steven Seagal waves his hands lazily at his opponents, which makes them fling themselves off the train.
  • It’s kinda like he’s playing a theremin.
  • The motions are languid.
  • Or he just shoots them noncinematically.
  • The bad guy is standing there with his pistol.
  • Steven Seagal sneaks into the frame, grabs the guy’s hand, and makes him shoot himself.
  • And the action is somehow hollow.
  • Where is the joy, Steven Seagal?
  • Don’t shoot a guy that way, man.
  • It is literally the murder of least resistance.
  • You can do it, put your back into it.
  • Okay, let’s not do this again.
  • Watch this and forget any of this happened:

4 Comments

  1. NoThoughtsOnDead

    I’m worried, too, that Mick and Keith don’t seem to be observing proper physical distancing.. Also, I wonder whether that little smile from Mr. Wyman lead to discussions and repercussions.
    It is a time for worry. But thank you for sharing yours.

  2. JES

    How did it come to pass that “Tattoo You” has so much goodness upon it, despite being a collection of dregs? Has anybody else ever made a mainline album within their core catalog that offered so much from so little?

    In re uniforms and such. There’s the Naval Academy concept of “you rate what you skate,” e.g. if you can bend the rules and get away with it, then you should bend the rules and get away with it. Most of my best experiences there were under such conditions, actually.

    Not sure that I’d have wasted a skated rate on a friendship bracelet, though . . .

    • Cube

      I’m a tattoo you booster as well. I think our host here has also expressed that the stones outtakes and rejects can stand alongside most other bands’ best.

      Also, Little T and A – not a terribly admirable theme. But a quality rocker.

  3. is it about my cube

    I saw Under Siege in the theater when I was 13. I’d been introduced to R-rated action movies a couple years before with Die Hard 2 and thought that the bliss of so much cursing and violence could not possibly be improved upon. And then Erika Eleniak popped out of the cake.

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