Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

What You Need To Know About The New Hampshire Primary

OVERVIEW

Very green. Lots of mountains. Hence, New Hampshire’s nickname: The Granite State. (The mountains are made of granite, and “The Green Mountain State” was already taken by Vermont.)

SLIGHTLY LOWER VIEW

Ooh, a bluejay.

DEMOCRATIC TECHNICALITIES

None of that caucus shit. You go to your local elementary school library or church gymnasium and pull a lever, the way it says to do in the Bible. On Primary Day, the legal limit for drunk driving is doubled, and all the cops are watching the polls, anyway.

IF YOU AIN’T THE LEAD DOG, YOU’RE JUST STARING AT ASSHOLES ALL DAY

In a shameless example of government intruding into politics, New Hampshire is bound by state law to have the first primary in the nation. No matter how early another state schedules their primary, New Hampshire’s has to be a week before that. New Hampshire’s like the contestant on The Price Is Right that bids a dollar more than the last guy did.

OTHER CORNY, SMALL-TOWNY BULLSHIT

By tradition, the tiny hamlet of Dixville Notch is the first in the state to vote, doing so at just after midnight. The predictive powers of the village are not celebrated, though, as Dixville Notch’s inhabitants are all from the Pasdesdoux family, which has not bred outside the line since Shay’s Rebellion.

WHITENESS

All-encompassing, except for the greenery. 30% whiter than the national average. Whiter than Jimmy Fallon in a wedding dress. Even whiter than Iowa, which is 20% whiter than the mean. The fact that black people don’t get to vote in any numbers until the fourth primary is a complete coincidence, I would imagine.

PARTICIPANTS AND THEIR SPIRIT ANIMALS

Bernie Sanders – Mr. Jiggs.

Elizabeth Warren – The cartoon owl that eats the kid’s Tootsie Roll Pop.

Andrew Yang – Panda. (You’re right: this is a racist spirit animal, and I am just as aggrieved as you. I wish it were anything else, but I’m just reporting here.)

Amy Klobuchar – Also a panda. (Not racist, but not a fitting spirit animal. The woman’s clearly a condor. Whoever chose these is a fucking dunce.)

Joe Biden – Petey, the Li’l Rascals’ dog.

Michael Bloomberg – A pygmy marmoset, mouse lemur, or a bee hummingbird.

Pete Buttigieg – Ticketmaster.

ALWAYS A DEAD CONNECTION, JUST PASSIN’ THROUGH EDITION

New Hampshire became one of five single-show states–joining Idaho, South Carolina, Montana, and Mississippi–on 5/5/78. Only four states had no Dead shows at all. Name ’em in the Comment Section; no cheating.

RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN LEGENDARY TEEVEE ACTRESS HOLLAND TAYLOR AND HOLLANDAISE SAUCE

None whatsoever. It might be to her taste, but nothing beyond that. She is not, nor is she related to, the sauce’s namesake.

THINGS TO DO IN NEW HAMPSHIRE WHEN YOU’RE DEAD

Summer (July 10 – August 25): Set on the porch and whittle a fully-functioning rifle; turf wars at the lake; hunting for pennywises and tommyknockers trying to escape from Maine; making sure Billy Earl, who ain’t quite right, don’t lock himself in the dumpster again; helmet-less motorcycling; pilgrimages to Dio’s birthplace in Portsmouth.

Winter (August 26 – July 9): Various mountain-based activities such as, but not limited to, skiing, snowboarding, drunkenly pissing off chair lifts, getting chlamydia in a hot tub, wearing sweaters, abandoning your wife and children because you mistakenly thought there was an avalanche coming, hunting for Abominables. Winter is also the a perfect time to make a pilgrimage to Dio’s Portsmouth birthplace.

BERNIE SANDERS IS TOTALLY MR. JIGGS

Just look.

You see it. You know you see it.

13 Comments

  1. You left out a fave NH pastime . . . The Granite State’s finest heavy mental band wrote a song about it even . . .

    https://youtu.be/uNgQcmc6pmM

    They also wrote a song about a monkey being entered into dog fights . . .

    https://youtu.be/fYNBiJCXuR4

    I’ma be listening to them all day today, I think. So very much very good heavy mental . . .

  2. (Dangit, I think I got escorted to the secondary screening room again for that last comment. Please do not bring out the plunger handle again . . . .)

  3. is it about my cube

    February 11, 2020 at 10:10 am

    Those winter dates remind me of Milwaukee, where I thankfully no longer live.

    OK, four states with no Dead shows with no research:

    Wyoming
    North Dakota
    South Dakota
    Arkansas

  4. Arkansas, Wyoming, West Virginia, North Dakota?

  5. They might have played somewhere in Wyoming due to the JPB Factor. And Sioux Falls is a reasonable tour stop when heading west from MSP with credible venue(s), plus I could imagine them doing some form of country fried biker dumbassery in the Badlands area in early days too . . .

    So I am guessing, without research: North Dakota, Delaware, Arkansas, West Virginia.

  6. Prostates of America

    February 11, 2020 at 7:31 pm

    Delaware
    North Dakota
    South Dakota
    Wyoming

  7. I’m thinking n. And s. Dakota Delaware, and Kansas?

  8. The Dakotas, Delaware, West Virginia.

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