PORTENTOUS YET OPTIMISTIC OPENING JINGLE NOISE
“Good afternoon, shut-ins, fellow members of the media, and people in waiting rooms. I’m Katy Tur and you’re watching Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. Today, my guest is Acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney.”
“Call me The Main Vane.”
“No. Mick, the President has had a busy week.”
“Every week is like that for this great man. Katy, Donald Trump is a titan of dealmaking, a behemoth of statesmanship, and a leviathan of politics. His posture is a model for all Americans. The President stands so damn straight, and Katy–sure as I’m sitting here–the man smells like heaven, Manly heaven. Imagine a pork loin simmered in the spirit of generosity, that’s Donald Trump’s fragrance.”
“President Trump smells like Drakkar Noir. He’s forcibly hugged me on several occasions.”
“Lucky you.”
“Mick, the President announced that this year’s G7 summit would be held at the Doral Golf Club in Miami, which he owns.”
“It’s a spectacular property, Katy, and the staff is out of this world. You would not believe how many shapes they can twist towels into. Every day, you come back to your room and it’s a new surprise. They can do elephants, giraffes, all the animals. I wonder if that skill carries over to balloons? I saw a guy make a balloon tollbooth once. Took him half-an-hour, but it was amazing. The gate went up and down and everything.”
“Please focus.”
“Katy, do you want the leaders of the G7 to stay someplace where the towels are towel-shaped? Just folded? What are we, savages?”
“I am certain that other locations can manipulate towels.”
“What about the golf course?”
“Only one other participant in the summit besides President Trump plays golf.”
“Oh, do they? I just mentioned it because President Trump uses it. Which other leader? The Japanese one, right? Those people love their golf.”
“Some feel that it’s inappropriate to hold the summit at Doral.”
“Who?”
“The Constitution?”
“Turns out that’s a lot more of a guideline than a rule book. Katy, you don’t understand that President Trump isn’t going to make any money off of this.”
“None?”
“Not money money.”
“What does that mean?”
“Listen, the man is going to offer his world-class, award-winning resort and hotel at Motel 6 prices. There are already plans to take 50% off all spa services. And everyone’s getting free shrimp cocktails.”
“That doesn’t make it okay.”
“But it does make it classy. Makes it verrrrry classy.”
“The Democrats, along with many former White House officials from both parties, are denouncing this decision.”
“Of course they are. They’re demons.”
“What now?”
“Ever see The Exorcist?”
“Yes.”
“There ya go. Pazuzus, every last one of ’em.”
TWITTER NOTIFICATION NOISE
…
“Mick, the President has just tweeted that he will not having the G7 summit at Doral.”
“Yeah, sure, uh-huh. That was the plan all along.”
“I hate to repeat myself, but: what now?”
“The President meant to do that. Strategy is his middle name. Well, actually, his middle name is ‘John,’ which is an exceedingly strong and masculine name. ‘John’ is probably the least-gay name, Katy.”
“The plan was to announce the summit at Doral and then petulantly change his mind two days later?”
“I disagree with everything you just said after the word ‘plan.’ And I would insert ‘brilliant in front of ‘plan.’ His brilliant plan was to keep his enemies–who, as I mentioned, are demons–off their game. President Trump just left-footed ya again!”
“Uh-huh. Mick, let’s get back to the impeachment inquiry, and the assertions that have arisen from that. The Trump Administration is said to have held back military aid from the Ukraine in exchange for information about the President’s political enemies.”
“It sounds terrible when you put it like that.”
“How would you put it?”
“Diplomacy. Put on your big girl pants, Katy. This is how the world works. Were you expecting rainbows and unicorns? Because the rainbow raped the unicorn, and that messed the unicorn up. Unicorn’s a junkie now, Katy. You can sex on it for ten dollars a throw out back of the package store. That’s the world, Katy.”
“I don’t think it is.”
“We’re the good guys here! We were stamping out corruption in Ukraine, but Ukraine is so corrupt that we had to apply a little pressure to do it. We were maybe too rough with our justice. Like Batman. We were a lot like Batman.”
“Don’t bring Batman into this. Mick, was there a quid pro quo with the Ukrainians?”
“It’s astonishing to me when people call what happened a quid pro quo. It wasn’t that at all.”
“What was it?”
“It was more like ‘this for that’.”
“That’s literally what the phrase ‘quid pro quo’ means.”
“I’ve seen alternate translations.”
“Then they were wrong.”
“Katy, I can tell you right now: I was in the room when these conversations took place, and I never once heard the phrase ‘quid pro quo’ said. So it couldn’t have been a quid pro quo.”
“You don’t have to say the words aloud. It’s not a magic spell, it’s a description of an exchange.”
“No quo.”
“Stop that.”
“Katy, again: I was in the room when these conversations occurred, and–”
URGENT CELL PHONE NOISE
“–there was…Katy, I’m getting a text from my lawyers.”
…
“I misspoke. Apparently, I was not in the room when any of these conversations took place.
“Uh-huh.”
“Also, those conversations did not take place.”
“Sure.”
“Commercial break’d be great right about now.”
Dear ToTD,
Our publishing company is not reaching out to you with yet another denial for one of your proposals to write a book about Rocky Roll. We deny your drunken suggestions weekly, so we hope you actually open this letter.
While emphatically denying your offer to write a book about Slash, we are enthusiastically requesting that you accept our offer to write a children’s book around this topic presented in your latest blog post.
**Rainbow Rapes the Unicorn**
Verbiage like this comes along once in a generation and we want partner with you to capitalize on your genius.
Can you please expand on this concept:
“Because the rainbow raped the unicorn, and that messed the unicorn up. Unicorn’s a junkie now, Katy. You can sex on it for ten dollars a throw out back of the package store. That’s the world, Katy.”
Please find an illustrator that you can work with and get back to us..
Respectfully,
Big Publishing Company
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU04PwbhpmI
Not sure if this is what you were getting at (or if Thoughts on Aorta would have much of a lifespan) but the link just realllllly wanted itself to get posted.
That link did want to get posted,
I meant bloodrock’s DOA, sort of a second class Sabbath, they have a song about dying in a plane wreck.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhtoRlVUPo0