Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 94 of 1031)

Real-Time Thoughts On The Matrix Sequels, Whatever The Fuck Their Names Are, After Having Consumed Too Many Edibles, Part Two: The Sequel

November 25, 2019 / / 5 Comments
  • This is all bullshit.
  • I should be paid for this.
  • No.
  • Not paid.
  • Lauded.
  • I should be fucking lauded for this service I provide.
  • Why haven’t I been given a MacArthur Genius Grant?
  • They give those things to poets.
  • Poets!
  • I’m not much a man, but I’m better than a poet.
  • Anyway, Trinity and Lawrence Fishburne have gone to see the Oracle, possibly because Lawrence Fishburne remembered that the Oracle was fond of baking cookies.
  • “Anything in that oven, sister?”
  • Keanu is in an unbelievably symbolic subway station.
  • The station is labeled “Mobil Avenue.”
  • Like I said: unbelievably symbolic.
  • Keanu is talking to Indian people, who are refugees.
  • And o so wise and kind.
  • I might have to store my DVD copies of these movies in the Problem Attic, Enthusiasts.
  • Does anyone in the Matrix wear jeans and a tee-shirt?
  • Pair of New Balance sneakers?
  • And why does everyone share an aesthetic?
  • There’s just sort of a uniformity to everyone’s uniforms.
  • I wish one member of Keanu’s crew was in, like, hippie-wear.
  • Tank-top, yoga pants, Birks.
  • Fuck, the French Satan guy is back, and he’s talking again.
  • His tie knot is daunting.

  • My God.
  • Decent Christian doesn’t knot his tie like that.
  • Says something about a man fixes his cravat in such a fashion.
  • A guy with a necktie like that is a guy you shouldn’t play baccarat with.
  • Wait.
  • Hold on.

  • Turn your brightness way up; trust me.
  • Keanu’s knot is every bit as complicated as Satanic Frenchie’s.
  • Actually, y’know what?
  • Don’t trust me.

  • TRUST MY EDITING SKILLS, BITCHES.
  • I lightened that shit for you!
  • Three, maybe four clicks rightwards.
  • Because, as you may remember, the Matrix sequels are dark, miserable slogs of gray, brown, and almost-black.
  • So I brightened that shit for you.
  • That was the last in a list of tasks I undertook for your entertainment.
  • I had to open up Netflix on my laptop.
  • Find a good shot of Keanu.
  • Screenshot it, which requires both hands and is therefore exhausting.
  • And I won’t bore you with all the details, but there was more clicking after that.
  • Waaaaaay more clicking and fiddling than I’d prefer to do.
  • But I did it, and I did it for you.
  • A non-zero possibility exists that this will be the first time I’ve sat all the way through Matrix: Rubberbabybuggybumpers. 
  • I did not see the film in the theaters, despite having eagerly attended the second installment just months prior.
  • The Matrix snuck up on everyone.
  • It was released in 1999, when everyone had heard of the internet, but no one knew quite what it was; there was far less movie gossip than there is now.
  • Trailers were only seen at movie theaters, plus teevee commercials and print ads.
  • That was it.
  • No teasers, followed by reaction videos, then frame-by-frame breakdown, then articles on varying theories, then set photos, then articles on varying theories based on the set photos, then a set of memes, then a new trailer and we go around the merry-go-round until the film is released, by which point everyone’s entirely sick of it.
  • Memory, as always, is a stumbling dance partner, but I specifically recall not having heard anything of this Keanu Reeves picture I ventured out to Pasadena to see with old college friends.
  • The billboards were up on Sunset Boulevard, and I had seen them as I drove past over and over again.
  • Green bullshit.
  • The digital nonsense, you know.
  • But otherwise I went in cold, and you can call The Matrix Ted Wiliams, because it came out of left-field.
  • Knocked the crowd’s socks right off.
  • Halfway through the picture, there’s a giant pile of socks by the popcorn counter.
  • Which is a fire hazard, but attests to how well the movie played.
  • And so it made a billion dollars and inspired the cultural aesthetic for a few years and, of course, spawned a sequel.
  • Two, in fact.
  • Because “trilogy” is the base unit for franchises.
  • This was going to be the new Star Wars.
  • Instead, it was the Prequels.
  • Because the Wachowskis did what George Lucas did, which is disappear up their own ass only to crow about the smell, and not what George Lucas did, which is “let other people write and direct.”
  • 1980’s George Lucas hired much better directors than 2000’s George Lucas.
  • A fresh eye may have done.
  • Because the Wachowskis did not understand what viewers enjoyed about the film.
  • The first movie had razor-sharp fight scenes that moved the plot along.
  • Where as in this, the third film, I have been watching a guy who looks to be Maori in an War Machine shoot robot squids in the face for, like, fifteen minutes now.
  • Why?
  • I dunno.
  • Good for the economy, I guess.
  • The Sequels also make the mistake of the Prequels in thinking that I care about newly-introduced characters.
  • Empire and Jedi each brought fresh friends and enemies on board, but mostly stuck with the same Farm Boy, Knight Errant, Princess, and Dark Wizard that we fell in love with in Star Wars.
  • Not Matrix: Redondobeach.
  • Long stretches of time with the Maori guy and some kid and Jada Pickle-Smith and assorted other randos.
  • Plus a guy who’s not Joe Morton.
  • He’s, like, a general?
  • Everyone’s wearing sweaters, so it’s hard to tell rank.
  • He shouts at Lawrence Fishburne.
  • He’s a black guy, but he’s not Joe Morton.
  • Many black guys, in fact, are not Joe Morton.
  • Maybe even most.
  • …
  • Henry Lennix.
  • The gentleman’s name is Henry Lennix.
  • In my defense, Joe Morton could’ve slaughtered this role.
  • It’s right in the Joe Morton wheelhouse.
  • Man’s got range.
  • Ugh, what’s going on?
  • They’re flying in their ship, which is not cool like the Millennium Falcon, but instead a school bus covered in bug zappers, and it’s all so dour.
  • The colors are downright Zack-Snyderific.
  • Am I misremembering The Matrix?
  • The original?
  • Were there repeated scenes of people standing in lazy medium shots talking about stuff?
  • STOP TALKING ABOUT STUFF.
  • DO STUFF.
  • Wait.
  • Not this stuff.
  • Keanu and Trinity are doing stuff, and I don’t like it.
  • Somewhere along the way, Keanu has been blinded.
  • I missed that.
  • Trinity’s got a hell of a face.
  • Go a long way in this world with that face.
  • Gotta be careful with it, though.
  • Moisturize.
  • Exfoliate.
  • Don’t leave it on the bus.
  • Plus, Trinity is Canadian, so she has to get her face through Customs.
  • Lotta responsibility having a face like that.
  • Anyway, she’s been dying for ten minutes.
  • This is the longest death scene since Pee-Wee Herman in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
  • What do you mean, you’re unfamiliar with Pee-Wee Herman’s legendary death scene in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

  • You’re welcome.
  • I do and I do and I do for you.
  • Keanu, having gone to the Source, is now talking to Computer God.
  • He wants to be plugged back into the Matrix so he can have a fist-fight with Agent Smith.
  • The movie throws all sorts of bullshit at you about why, but it’s an action movie and there needs to be a fist-fight at the end.
  • It is raining, and the motion is very slow.
  • All of the fu is of the kung type; this fu has been thoroughly kunged.
  • Why are they punching?
  • Doesn’t Keanu have to reintegrate with the Source in order for the Seventh Rebirth of Zion to takeOH I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS ANYMORE.
  • Why won’t these two stop bickering?
  • The roughhousing is out of hand.
  • Just get it over with, Keanu.
  • Or Hugo WeavingEXCEPT JESUS GOD NO HUGO WEAVING IS YELLING PHILOSOPHY AT KEANU.
  • I’m dying here.
  • I’m hungry and I hate the Matrix and the two pretty men won’t stop striking one another.
  • Kill the bad guy and let me be, Matrix: Riefenstahl.
  • Is Computer God eating Keanu?
  • I’m not objecting to it, just asking.
  • The squidbots all stop trying to fuck up Zion.
  • Yay?
  • In The Matrix, Keanu promises to set everyone free, but in the Sequels, he just saves a squat punk commune.
  • Ooh, the Magic White Guy and the Magic Black Lady are having an ambiguous conversation.
  • That means it’s over.
  • It’s gotta be over.
  • Be over.
  • Die, goddamn you.

Real-Time Thoughts On The Matrix Sequels, Whatever The Fuck Their Names Are, After Having Consumed Too Many Edibles

November 24, 2019 / / 5 Comments
  • Ooh, the green bullshit.
  • Digi-zop, digi-zap.
  • Remember the green bullshit from the first one that you loved?
  • Here’s more.
  • And remember that film-opening action scene with Trinity you loved?
  • Here’s more.
  • Perhaps the Matrix sequels can be read as commentary on the state of sequeldom.
  • Or seen more plainly as the mixed-up files of two directors who had taken too many mushrooms and not been given enough time.
  • (Although, having seen most of the rest of the Wachowskis’ oeuvre, a lack of time may not have been the problem.)
  • Carrie-Anne Moss’ face should be carved on the front of pirate ships.
  • Okay, so apparently Neo and Trinity and Lawrence Fishburne have returned to Zion.
  • Wait.
  • No they haven’t.
  • They met the other pilots in the Matrix to discuss going back to Zion.
  • In the Real World, everyone’s in their hover-ships patrolling through the Desert of the Real.
  • Meeting in the Matrix is kinda like a group chat.
  • Or Second Life.
  • Remember Second Life?
  • There are probably tens of thousands of people in Second Life right now.
  • Wait.
  • Shush.
  • Keanu’s fighting Agents.
  • And then flying away in a PS3 cutscene.
  • From a CGI perspective, 2003 was a very long time ago.
  • The ships look good, and so does the massive dock set.
  • My, this is dramatic.
  • This movie is trying to be Star Wars as hard as it can right now.
  • All the shirts without collars, and vests.
  • They have not gone Full Star Wars and put Lawrence Fishburne in a cape, but maybe they should have.
  • The Matrix came out in 1999, and Restitution and Recompulsion came out in 2003; in the years between, Lawrence Fishburne sat in his kitchen and ate cake.
  • People brought it to him–his family, friends, business associates–and he ate it.
  • Angel’s food, devil’s food, ice cream.
  • The man sat there and ate cake.
  • And he’s being yelled at by a black superior.
  • Heroes in action movies get yelled at by black superiors.
  • Black heroes in action movies will occasionally be yelled at by Joe Pantoliano, but usually black heroes get yelled at by black guys, too.
  • Hey, it’s Patrick McGoohan.
  • Ugh, The Prisoner.
  • Yeah, yeah, you’re into the occult and you love The Prisoner.

  • Y’know what?
  • I’m calling that a cape.
  • A declaration of capitude has been issued.
  • The Wachowskis have gone Full Star Wars.
  • Oh, Lord, there is a rave.
  • 100 years into the future, early 2000’s EDM will be still be fashionable.
  • HUMPING.
  • SEXUAL HUMPING WITH KEANU AND LADY KEANU.
  • Goodness, is this the movie with the kung fu and the robots?
  • Why is there Burning Man in my gun-fighting picture?
  • NIPPLES?
  • Jesus Christ, I find this disreputable.
  • Disreputable as hell.
  • Think you’re getting involved with a decent picture, a family picture, and now it’s Sodom and Gomorrah up there.
  • And a male butt crack?
  • Someone throw eggs at the producers of this film.
  • How dare you?
  • Hey, Patrick McGoohan’s back.
  • The Prisoner was a BBC series from the 60’s or 70’s, back when the BBC would air drug-soaked nonsense, and the show was full of occult references and mystery bullshit, and all the British comic book writers of the era loved it: Alan Moore, Warren Ellis, Grant Morrison.
  • Especially that last guy.
  • Go buy this; you’ll thank me.
  • We’ll get back to Grant Morrison; Keanu is fighting.
  • Knick!
  • Knack!
  • Paddywhack!
  • So much kicking and slapping and sturming and dranging.
  • Keanu has earned the respect of the Kung Fu Chinaman, and is now taken to the Oracle, who is literally a Magical Negro.
  • A racial reading of these films is thus: POC help a clueless white boy do the thing he’s supposed to do.
  • However, Keanu transcends race.
  • And why think when you can watch him fight Hugo Weaving?
  • MOVIE I WOULD PAY TO SEE: Karate Robots voiced by Hugo Weaving and James Spader; they fight a little bit, just enough to keep things interesting, but mostly they just bitchily fling dialogue back and forth.
  • Ugh, they’re fighting again down in the Uncanny Valley.
  • Stop that!
  • Knock it off down there?
  • It’s Keanu versus a hundred Hugo Weavings and everything’s stupid and rubbery and Keanu’s a literal god in this universe so him having a fist-fight doesn’t make any sense.
  • Nonsense, all of it.
  • None of this is sensical.
  • The effects aren’t finished.
  • This was not the best they could have done in 2003.
  • The best they could have done in 2003 was remove from the film the shots in which Keanu looks as though he were rendered on a TRS-80.
  • Wow.
  • My emojis have better rendering than this now.
  • Matrix: Rehabilitations, your render rate is sub-fucking-par, and I call you out on that shit.
  • Oy vey, Patrick McGoohan again.
  • We get it, guys.
  • All hail Eris.
  • The humans have some sort of ruling council, and Cornel West is part of it.
  • Cornel West wants Jada Pinkett-Smith to go find Lawrence Fishburne.
  • And he wants Obama to go fuck himself.
  • Whatever Cornel West wants, he also wants Obama to go fuck himself.
  • It’s like how Cato the Elder was with Carthage.
  • Back in the Matrix at a restaurant where Eurotrash hang out.
  • A guy with a very French face and Monica Belluci and her very Italian boobs are there, and he says stuff.
  • Deep stuff.
  • Deeeeeeeeeeeeep stuff.
  • Post-structuralism, the Lost Head of John the Baptist, and the Myth of Persephone.
  •  Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
  • Was he the Devil?
  • If Monica Belluci is Persephone, then that would make the French guy Hades, who is not the Devil but close enough.
  • That is racist to make the devil French.
  • French people cannot help themselves from acting that way.
  • The Devil has spooky-ghosts?
  • Oh, are you fighting again, Keanu?
  • You stopped the bullets from a dozen men’s guns.
  • Surely you can Force Shove them all out of the room.
  • Why are you somersaulting?
  • You can fly.
  • Just hover or shit.
  • Or choke their carotids.
  • A dozen high-caliber bullets is a lot of force.
  • Mass times acceleration and all.
  • That is more than enough potential energy to stop off your enemies’ arteries.
  • Now Trinity is fighting the spooky-ghost, and that makes sense because she does not have super-powers in the Matrix.
  • I mean, she does, but not Keanu-level.
  • She cannot, for example, fly at 6,000 mph.
  • So she has to become involved in a rather perilous car chase.
  • Trinity and Lawrence Fishburne lure the spooky-ghosts onto the freeway.
  • They are twins who are albinos.
  • Albinism is the spookiest of all skin conditions.
  • Port-wine stains: NOT SPOOKY.
  • Eczema: NOT SPOOKY.
  • Albinos: SPOOKY, INDEED.
  • Sorry, albinos.
  • Just the way it goes.
  • I’m not saying you should be discriminated against.
  • I am only asking that you not sneak up on me.
  • They built a whole freeway for this scene, a quarter-mile loop that stunt drivers got their cars up to speed on.
  •  Trinity’s stunt double had to slalom her motorcycle through oncoming traffic, but Lawrence Fishburne got to do his fight scene in a studio and let them green screen it onto the top of a moving truck later.
  • This duel is slower than the one from the first movie, cuz Lawrence Fishburne is fatter.
  • That red pill was an M&M, and there were a couple more bags hidden in his leather duster.
  • Crueler directors would have foleyed in the sound of huffing and puffing, but the Wachowskis do not do this.
  • Now a Chinese guy is sitting in a chair saying deep shit.
  • This is a problem the Matrix sequels shared with the Star Wars Prequels: they leaned on interminable scenes of people sitting in chairs saying stuff.
  • Oh, now Keanu and Trinity are sitting on a bed saying stuff.
  • Shut the fuck up, Matrix.
  • This movie won’t stop talking.
  • Now they’re interlacing shots of Jada Picnic-Smith kicking cops in the face over the talking, but the talking won’t stop.
  • Wait.
  • No.
  • A power station just exploded.
  • Is there a heist?
  • Keanu, Lawrence Fishburne, and a Chinese guy are in some sort of hallway, but now Trinity has to drive a Ducati into the 60th floor of a skyscraper.
  • Sweet Moses, there are Smiths coming out of every door!
  • Why doesn’t Keanu just…
  • …
  • …
  • …
  • …I’m tired.
  • Matrix: Rabbitredux, you have wearied me.
  • Why is Superman sparring with Stormtroopers?
  • Just chop their heads off with your mind control ray-beams, you freaky monster.
  • Ah!
  • Colonel Sanders in a Best Buy!
  • The Architect is the boss of the Matrix, I suppose, and he mumbos and jumbos for a while.
  • Various illuminated themes are brought up, admired, discarded.
  • Is it admirable that the Wachowskis got Gnostic philosophy in a major motion picture?
  • Sure.
  • It is entertaining?
  • OH MY GOD NO
  • STOP EXPLAINING THE NATURE OF GOD, MOVIE
  • You’re not good at it.
  • Robert Anton Wilson was better, and he had more dick jokes.
  • The Architect just told Keanu that he could save the world or his girlfriend.
  • Which astute viewers will note is the choice given Spider-Man by the Green Goblin in the first Sam Raimi flick.
  • You hear a lot of big words being thrown around by characters in clean clothes, and so you think these are smart movies, but they aren’t.
  • For example, right now on the screen Keanu is bringing Trinity back to life with the power of love.
  • Astute viewers will note that Superman did the same thing in his first film, although much more extravagantly.
  • Superman turned the clock back on all of reality by a few minutes.
  • Keanu just reached into Trinity’s chest and tweaked her heart.
  • Much more low-key Jesus figure.
  • So, uh, our heroes and the guy who was in the wheelchair on Oz are back in their dingy little ship and maybe the squids blew it up?
  • I think the ship blew up.
  • I may have underestimated the potency of these edibles.
  • Cuz I got no idea what the fuck’s happening in this movie.
  • Keanu is electrocuting squids with his voodoo powers, I know that.
  • For fuck’s sake, everyone’s sitting around talking again.
  • Talkies were a mistake.
  • Harold Lloyd was right.
  • And now some Rage Against The Machine.
  • Remember the Rage bullshit that you loved from the first one?
  • Here’s more.

Back Where He Belongs

November 22, 2019 / / 7 Comments

“Holy shit, Walton. What happened to you?”

“I’m not Bill Walton, Mickey. I’ve told you four times already.”

“Then where is he?”

“I have no idea.”

“What day is it?”

“Friday.”

“Shit. I lost three days.”

“Wow. Does that happen a lot?”

“I don’t know.”

“Figures you wouldn’t, right?”

“Sure. You look nice, though. And I like your little hat. We can be friends.”

“We’ve known each other for 30 years, Mickey.”

“Marjorie Jumpinbump.”

“You think my name is ‘Marjorie Jumpinbump?’ You got literally everything wrong. Gender, ethnicity, general vibe. All wrong.”

“I didn’t want to use a Latin name. Assuming things is racist now.”

“I have a Latin name, Mick.”

“Jose Taco.”

“That‘s racist. That shit was racist shit.”

“See!? You don’t know where the line is any more!”

“What’s my name, man?”

“Primrose Bombardier.”

“What?”

“Johnny Fongool.”

“You’re clearly just making up silly names. I’m getting insulted.”

…

“Branfordito?”

“I’m leaving.”

 

(EDITOR’S NOTE: That man’s name is Giovanni Hidalgo, and he has played with Sammy Hagar.)

Two Good Pieces Of News

November 22, 2019 / / 4 Comments

Numero uno: The wonderful souls at Omnibus Press have sent me a copy of Ian Hunter’s recently-reprinted 1972 classic tour memoir Diary of a Rock Star. Please purchase it after I’ve given it a rave review, so I will be sent more free books.

Numero dos: This is Lefty Rosenthal, who was played by Robert De Niro in Casino…

…and that’s the face he made at Congress when they asked him if he was a mobster.

Remember, kids: if you’re willing to take the beating, you can tell anyone to go fuck themselves.

A Partial Transcript Of Fiona Hill’s Impeachment Testimony, 11/21/19

November 21, 2019 / / 0 Comments

“Settle. Settle down. We meet once again to discuss the impeachment of Donald Trump, President of the United States. Perhaps one day, we will be freed from this legislative hell, but not today. And perhaps also my Republican colleagues will get a sense of decorum. But today, they have brought a sign.”

JIM JORDAN UNROLLING A POSTER THAT SAYS “SCHIFF IS A CHOAD” IN COMIC SANS NOISE

“Very mature, Congressman Jordan.”

“Choad!”

“The gentleman will suspend. We have two witnesses this morning, but the sake of comic clarity, we’re just going to interview one of them. It’s a dialogue-based bit; it gets confusing if there’s too many characters. To that end, we welcome the former top official in charge of Russia on the National Security Council, Dr. Fiona Hill. Thank you for appearing, Dr. Hill.”

“Thank you for having me.”

“Dr. Hill, tell the committee a little about your background.”

“I was born in the dirty, Druidy part of England. My father was a coal miner, and my mother a fishwife. I saw the sun once, when I was six, and was severely thrashed for it by a handful of nuns. My village had a fourth-division football team, and the highest incident of three-eyed kids in all of Great Britain. I had nine sisters, originally, but the Irish killed two and the sea took one. It was a rough kind of place. Hardscrabble.”

“It certainly does sound like a hardscrabble upbringing.”

“What? No, that was the name of the village. Hardscrabble-Upon-Scrumpthrop. Such memories.”

“And after that?”

“Harvard, doctorate, fellowships. As one does.”

“Dr. Hill, I’m going to yield the rest of my time to the ranking member of the minority party, Congressman Nunes, because I think it’s going to be funny as hell. Devin?”

“Thank you, Chairman Schiff, for allowing me to take part in this embarrassing and sad spectacle run by crybabies and bedwetters. Dr. Hill, good morning.”

“Howja do.”

“Dr. Hill, how can you be sure that Ukraine is not actually America’s greatest enemy?”

“How can I be sure?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“By thinking about it? Reading a book or two?”

“You are aware of Halloween?”

“The holiday?”

“Yes. The holiday.”

“I am aware of Halloween, yes.”

“Then you know that sometimes people like to play dress-up! Disguise themselves as Captain Americas and spooky ghosts, but that’s not who they are. They’re just liars, Dr. Hill. Maybe that’s what’s going on with Ukraine. Maybe Russia’s our friend and Ukraine’s our enemy.”

“No, sir. That is utter lunacy.”

“If Ukraine is not our enemy, then why did several of its politicians refer to President Trump as an idiot during the 2016 campaign?”

“Probably for the same reason everyone else called him an idiot: simple observation.”

“So you admit it!”

“That President Trump is an idiot? Yes, you tricked me into saying it. Good work, Congressman.”

“Dr, Hill, are you and Hunter Biden in cahoots?”

“I’ve never even met the man.”

“A cahoot? What about a single cahoot?”

“There is no grand conspiracy here, Congressman, no matter how badly you wish to see one. The President of the United States and his thug lawyer went blundering about international diplomacy, and they made a grand cock-up of it.”

“That’s your version of the truth. What about the Swedenborgians?”

“Don’t bring them into this.”

“The Hospitallers of Malta.”

“Not part of it.”

“Genetically-engineered succulents.”

“No super-plants, Congressman.”

“We cannot rule them out.”

“We absolutely can. This story has no fantastical elements whatsoever; it’s tiresomely common. Morons committed crimes. That’s all that happened.”

“Pirates.”

“Stop this. Stop this, Congressman. Stop muddying the waters with clearly-fabricated nonsense. These tactics are helping do nothing but further divide an already bifurcated nation, and you’re doing it on purpose. Please, for the love of God: stop it.”

“I want to discuss the possibility of pirates.”

“You weren’t listening at all, huh?”

“Dr. Hill, were you ever directly instructed by the President to commit a crime?”

“No.”

“Case closed.”

“Not how it works.”

“Can you describe your relationship with the Ambassador to the European Union, Gordon Sondland.”

“It was like having a tumor that used Axe Bodyspray. As in: he was malignant, he was infectious, and he smelled like Axe Bodyspray. Once, he called me ‘Toots.'”

“Only the once?”

“I broke his thumb with a judo hold called ‘Ferret sleeps in the barn without bothering anyone.’ He always referred to me by my proper title after that.”

“You don’t think that was a bit harsh, Dr. Hill?”

“I could have broken his pelvis.”

“Where else were you and Ambassador Sondland at odds?”

“Everywhere. At every point of contact, there was friction. The man is a tit and a twit. All he wants to do is go for dinner and have hookers sit on his face. It was the worst-kept secret in Kyiv. Behind his back, everyone called Sondland ‘Ol’ Chairface.’ It sounds better in Ukrainian.”

“These are scurrilous rumors. Can anyone verify them?”

“Hookers. Lots and of of hookers. It is impossible to overstate how sleazy these people are.”

“These people? Ah-ha! So you are a Never-Trumper.”

“No, sir. I am a Never-Numpty. As in, ‘Do not make me work with numpties, as I am a hyper-competent professional.’ Yet, I was forced to work cheek-to-jowl with these mental paramecium spraying their felony-sauces all about.”

BRICK BEING THROWN THROUGH A WINDOW NOISE!

“Holy shit! Jesus, what was that?”

COMMITTEE CHAIR PICKING UP A BRICK NOISE

“It’s got a piece of paper wrapped around it. And there’s something written on the paper. It’s written in Sharpie. It says FIONA HILL IS NOW DEPORTED. Okay, let’s take ten minutes while I deal with this.”

GAVEL NOISE!

A Partial Transcript Of Ambassador Sondland’s Testimony Before The House, 11/20/19

November 20, 2019 / / 0 Comments

HOUSE HEARING ROOM – MORNING

“People, settle. Order in the room. Phones away. I will remind everyone, including my fellow distinguished members, that you may not live-tweet while we’re in session, especially if what you’re live-tweeting is cruel memes of me.”

“Point of order!”

“Oh, don’t start immediately, Congresswoman Stefanik.”

“Chairman Schiff, I resent being singled out like that.”

“I didn’t say your name.”

“Everyone knows I have great memes, Chairman.”

“Shush. We are now several days into this impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump. I know it seems like several weeks, or maybe eternity, but I swear it’s only been a few days. President Trump does funny things to time. That’s not part of these proceedings, but everyone knows it’s true. Anyway, today we welcome back into this chamber for a record third appearance, the United States’ Ambassador to the European Union, Gordon Sondland.”

“Call me Gordo.”

GAVEL NOISE!

“It is the ruling of the chair that the witness not be called ‘Gordo.’ Ambassador Sondland, you were one of the first people to appear in closed depositions for these inquiries, during which you…forgot…several important events. Upon reflection and the testimony of others indicating your participation in said events, you re-appeared before the committee and amended your statement. And now here you are again.”

“I remember everything.”

“Ambassador, did you see that Roger Stone is going away for ten years for lying to Congress?”

“I did. I saw that. And I felt that. Y’know how you see another guy get kicked in the nuts, and then your nuts hurt? It was like that. I remember evvvvvvvverything. I’ll draw you sketches. I’ll go undercover. I’ll wear a wire. Whatever. I am here, Chairman Schiff, to talk.”

“One hopes so. The Chair now yields to floor for the opening statement of the ranking member of the committee, Mr. Nunes.”

“Chairman, I have only this to offer about this sham of a witch hunt.”

FART JOKE NOISE!

“Jesus, Nunes!”

“That’s a Sacramento Stinker right there. Just like this whole thing, man. Stinks.”

“The Chair retracts the ranking member’s time as penalty for the butt bomb. Not right, Nunes! This is an old building! The ventilation’s crap in here!”

“If America has to smell you, then you have to smell me.”

“The gentleman will suspend. Ambassador, let’s get past that foul behavior and back to your testimony. I want to go straight to the heart of the matter: Was there a ‘quid pro quo?'”

“Yes.”

“Who knew about it?”

“Literally everyone.”

“Be more specific, please. Who knew about the deal to exchange military aid for political favors?”

“President, obviously. Volker, Pompeo, Rick Perry, Mulvaney. The Vice-President, too. Rudy, of course. Bolton. Kid Rock knew.”

“Kid Rock? The singer?”

“Hey, Kid Rock is more than just a singer. Super-talented guy. Been a guest at my hotels on many occasions. Much neater than you’d imagine. Classy guy.”

“Ambassador Sondland, why was Kid Rock involved in international diplomacy?”

“He hangs around the White House a lot, and sometimes he just kinda gets in on things. He set up the second North Korean summit all by himself. Not a tight ship over there, if I’m honest.”

“We’ve heard.”

“Rudy Giuliani was the point man on this one. The President told me to do whatever Rudy wanted.”

“And what did Rudy want to do?”

“Depended on what time of day it was. When he was sober-ish in the mornings, he wanted Ukrainian President Zelensky to announce investigations into Hunter Biden. By the afternoon, his theories would become more florid, involving aliens, the descendants of the Plantagenet line, and some sort of never-ending war between draculas and wolfmans. And by nine or ten, he’d crap his pants.”

“This is the personal lawyer to the President of the United States?”

“Yeah.”

“And did you speak to the President himself about the quid pro quo?”

“Twice. The first call was to discuss pressuring President Zelensky into investigating, or at least announcing that he was investigating, Hunter Biden and Burisma.”

“And the second?”

“Was to deny making the first call.”

“Ah.”

“The follow-up conversation took place on September 9th, some hours after the whole Ukrainian affair had been made public. The President said hello, and then shouted ‘I WANT NO QUID PRO QUO!’ at me a few times, and then hung up.”

“Okay. What did you think that meant?”

“I can’t get into the President’s motives, Chairman.”

“Time is now yielded to the counsel for the minority, Mr. Castor.”

“Good morning, Ambassador. Before you were named to your current position, did you have any experience in diplomacy?”

“None whatsoever.”

“Then how did you get your job?”

“I bought it for a million dollars.”

“You bought your job. What does that say about you, sir?”

“Same thing it says about the guy who sold it to me.”

…

“Yeah, yeah, I guess I walked right into that one. Ambassador, earlier you mentioned a phone call with the President in which you assert that the Ukrainian deal was discussed.”

“Yes. And A$AP Rocky.”

“Is he related to Kid Rock?”

“I don’t believe so.”

“Well, I don’t believe you, sir. If the President made a phone call to you, then where is the evidence? When the President makes calls, they get logged.”

“Yes, but President Trump prefers using his iPhone. My staff logged the call, though, and made a transcription. But the Department of Justice all of my office’s seized my office’s documents and declared everything classified.”

“Oh.”

“Did you not know that?”

“Don’t worry about what I know, Ambassador. I’m not on trial here.”

“Neither am I.”

“Irregardless! Mr. Sondland, isn’t it possible that Rudy Giuliani was free-lancing?”

“No. I was instructed by the President to defer to Rudy on matters having to do with Ukraine.”

“Is it possible the President was being sarcastic when he told you that?”

“I don’t believe so.”

“Do you have any background in mesmerism, sir?”

“What now?”

“Mesmerism. Is it possible you hypnotized the President into committing crime?”

“I am unschooled in the mystical arts of persuasion.”

“Ambassador Sondland, if you were so concerned about that military aid getting to Ukraine, why didn’t you bring it up with anyone before now?”

“I did. I e-mailed several of the higher-ups in the administration. Plus I sent some certified letters. The official ones you have to sign for. Pompeo, Mulvaney, Pence: I have evidence of discussing the aid-for-investigations scheme with all of them.”

…

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, God.”

“You didn’t know that?”

“Dammit.”

MAMMOTH P.A. SYSTEM BEING SET UP RIGHT OUTSIDE THE CHAMBER NOISE!

“Testing? Testing? Where’s my testing? No one tests microphones like me, just one of the best in the world at doing it, maybe the absolute best. I do not know this Sondland, he looks like a loser, and I told him NO QUID PRO QUO. I was very strong in my statement, and that’s the end of it. Okay, that’s it.”

MAMMOTH P.A. SYSTEM GETTING TORN DOWN RIGHT OUTSIDE NOISE!

“That’s not okay. It’s just not how any of this is supposed to work. Let’s take ten minutes while I have a chat with the Capitol Police.”

Peekin’ At Deacon

November 20, 2019 / / 3 Comments

“Hullo.”

Hey, John Deacon. What are you doing here?

“Look at me todger.”

Lovely. Once more: why are you here?

“Penis, anyone?”

Stop this, John Deacon.

“Balls.”

I expect this sort of thing from Freddie, but not from you, John Deacon.

“I’m in me rock star clothes, and you can see me knob and gobblers.”

Astonishing. This behavior is astonishing.

Joe Biden Appears On Katy Tur Live, 11/18/19

November 19, 2019 / / 2 Comments

“Good afternoon. I’m Katy Tur and you’re watching Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. You could find a lake and shit in it, but no: you’re watching MSNBC. Today’s guest is the former Vice-President of the United States Joe Biden. Thank you for being here, sir.”

“No problem, Katy. First off: great sweater. Really shows off your personality.”

“Thank you. Mr. Vice-President, you recently appeared at a forum in Las Vegas where you were questioned on your stance towards marijuana legalization.”

“Wild town, Vegas. They go all night.”

“Could you clarify your opinions for me, sir?”

“Go in the summer. People think it’s too hot, but it can’t be too hot for me. Love that weather. I go in July, sit out at the cabana.”

“Not your opinions about Las Vegas, sir. Will the Biden Administration legalize marijuana at the federal level?”

“Hold your horses, little missy. Put the brakes on. We don’t wanna go passing out marijuana to fifth-graders.”

“No one does.”

“We had a guy back home in Scranton, used to play the trombone with bands. Called him Potto. Always high like a kite, stumbling around, real sloppy guy. Turns out he had a thing for kids. The whole neighborhood found out at once. It was a real different time back then. They found a whole bag full of reefer in his apartment. Maybe that’s what made him do those things.”

“Are you suggesting some sort of link between cannabis and child molestation?”

“It is a gateway drug, Katy. First, you smoke a little hash, then you shoot a bit of dope, and then you touch a kid.”

“That is entirely wrong, sir. I cannot allow that statement to stand unchallenged. Either produce evidence for your claim or retract it.”

“I’m not saying everyone touches kids.”

“Sir.”

“It’s happened. Individuals have lived through that particular progression before. Not all. I’ll give you ‘not all.’ Maybe not even a lot. But it’s happened.”

“Are you saying you do not favor legalization?”

“What do we really know about marijuana, Katy? Is it a trick? What are its effects on scoliosis? Can it be reasoned with, or intimidated? I spent four decades in the United States Senate, and I wanna know just what marijuana’s capabilities are. The ins, the outs, really get under the hood. Evidence, Katy. When it comes to marijuana, we need more evidence.”

“You’re saying there should be more research?”

“I wanna see more science. I always wanna see more science. Every morning, Helen–that’s my girl, Helen, you’ve talked to Helen–says, ‘Whaddya want today, boss?’ and I say, ‘Bring me the science!’ I yell it. I love doing the business of America.”

“So you would remove marijuana from the DEA’s list of Schedule I drugs, allowing it to be tested more openly?”

“Katy, that list is the worst of the worst. Real bad hombres. You got your heroin, and you get addicted to that. You run around on the streets like a nut, maybe you got a knife. It’s no way to live, and that’s our family. We love them, but it’s no way to live. LSD is on there, too. Hippies called it acid, and it’s still around, and it is still a rotten apple. Don’t bite it! Acid messes up your mind, and a lot of people never come back. Happened to a guy from my fraternity. Real sharp guy, bright, going places. He took acid. Stabbed people! We can’t have that.”

“Mr. Vice-President, marijuana is provably safer than either heroin or LSD.”

“And ecstasy. That’s a new one. That’s the rave drug. I’ve seen pictures of these parties. Women wear outfits like you wouldn’t believe. Big furry boats, goggles, it’s a wild look. Kills thousands a year. Very dangerous, just like pot.”

“No, sir, ecstasy does not kill thousands a year.”

“Mowing down the dance floor, Katy. It’s underreported how many teens are dying from this stuff. Good teens, not just black kids.”

“Wow.”

“And when I hear that people are waving the flag for forced marijuana–”

“No one is for that.”

“–it gooses my pimples. Gooses ’em good.”

“Your pimples and their goositude notwithstanding.”

“What if the pot is laced? Pushers will do that sometimes. They lace the pot.”

“Very rare, sir.”

“I saw Denzel do it. He was a cop. Remember? He was corrupt, but he was so cool. I’m bigger than King Kong! What was the name of it? Him and a white kid, and he makes the kid smoke the wet. Denzel had made the pot ‘wet pot’ and he freaks out. They’re in Denzel’s great car and he’s training–Oh, it’s called Training Day. Right. That makes sense. But, yeah, Denzel makes him smoke the wet, and it just went terribly for the poor soul.”

“It was an excellent film.”

“So maybe that’s what happens? I legalize marijuana, and then someone makes the pot wet?”

“All of it?”

“You never know. Great movie, though. Who’s that guy in it? The one with no body fat?”

“Scott Glenn.”

“He’s great. Been in a lot of westerns. That guy can ride a horse.”

“Sir, you’re losing focus.”

“Katy, lose that sweater.”

“We’ll be right back.”

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