Hey. Humbert Humbert.
“I don’t get the reference.”
Don’t worry about it.
“Have you ever longed?”
I don’t want to have this conversation with you.
“Yearned?”
Or that one.
“Wanted to kidnap your two-decades-younger doppelganger and use sex magick to steal his dewiness?’
You don’t know any sex magick.
“I can make my penis disappear.”
Not a trick.
“Is this your card?”
SIX OF CLUBS DISPLAYING NOISE
No.
“What about this?”
AMERICAN EXPRESS TITANIUM CARD DISPLAYING NOISE
That’s not how card tricks work.
“I know. I just wanted to show you how rich I was.”
Josh–
“Don’t call me that.”
–if you wanna fuck the kid, fuck the kid. Honestly, a little bisexuality would do wonders for your career.
“Oh, no. I’d shoot straight to pansexuality.”
What’s the difference?
“None that I can tell, but pansexual sounds so much fancier.”
Leave Shawn Mendes alone. He has innocuous music to make.
“He just makes me feel so young. Mostly when I’m feeling him.”
Is this relationship consensual?
“Depends on how you define ‘consensual.’ If you mean ‘with sensuality,’ then it totally is.”
I meant: Are you sexually harassing Shawn Mendes?
“No. Yes. A little. Lemme put it this way: if we were on a sitcom together, I would have been fired weeks ago.”
Stop it.
“It’ll be fine.”
Do we need to have our little pre-Dead & Company tour talk again?
“No.”
If you get the Dead sucked into this #METOO thing, I will hunt you the fuck down, Meyers. We cannot have journalists digging into the Dead’s sexual histories.
“Dude, it’s cool. Everything’s cool.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
Who is that? I did not make that happen.
“I get calls from people who aren’t homicidal dictators, y’know.”
Okay. Who is it?
“Ronan Farrow.”
Goddamn you, Josh Meyers.
Hope this doesnt have a kind of beetlejuice effect, where you say this enough times to make it come true.
If they found the sexual history document in the vault, would they release it all at once, or one year at a time?
Talk about Dick’s Picks. HEY-OH!