I Kissed A Pope (And I Liked It) (But Then Around A Dozen Swiss Guards Tackled Me)

“Look at-a da pretty girl.”

She’s very attractive, Your Holiness.

“Is-a da Demi Lovato?”

No.

“Is-a da Halsey? She’s-a so hot now, da Halsey.”

Not Halsey. That’s Katy Perry.

“Little Potato’s Katy Perry?”

Wow, that nickname got to the Vatican already, huh?

“We got-a da wifi.”

Sure.

“Katy needs-a da hit. Been a while.”

She’s in a fallow period of her career.

“She needs-a da beef. She should-a feud with-a da Cardi B.”

Oh, that would be a terrible idea.

“Si, si. I’m-a joking. Cardi B is-a da savage. Katy would-a get ethered.”

Yes, sir.

“What’s-a with Legolas? Are-a da skinny ties back again?”

I guess.

“Ties-a get skinny, then-a fat, then-a skinny. Back and-a forth. Like-a da Oprah.”

You’re killing it tonight, Your Holiness.

“You keep-a da secret?”

Yes.

“I was s’posed to host-a da White House Correspondent’s Dinner. Tell-a da jokes about Signor Bing Bong. I got all this material I got-a no use for.”

Why did you cancel?

“They-a fire me!”

What!? Who would fire the Pope?

“People gonna go to hell, that’s-a who.”

You would forgive them.

“I don’t-a know. I was-a lookin’ forward to it. Get in some hang time with-a da Jake Tapper.”

You know Jake Tapper?

“Everybody knows-a da Tapp. Solid hang.”

Why did they fire you, Your Holiness?

“I said-a dat abortion and-a da homosexuality is-a da sin.”

Oh, right. Your beliefs.

“Si, si. And-a I shelter many, how you say, bambino-pumpers.”

You shouldn’t say it that way.

“Don’t correct-a da Pope.”

Sorry.

“Dominus there you go. Is okay. I stay at-a da Vatican. Watch-a da Avengers.You think-a Katy wants-a to chill?”

You should ask her, but I don’t think you’re her type.

“What’s-a her type?”

Tall, dark, and douchey.

“Chicks-a dig jerks, man.”

Tell me about it.