Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jeff chimenti (Page 2 of 10)

Rainy Day Jeff Chimenti, # 12 & 35

June 3, 2018 / / 1 Comment

Hey, Jeff Chimenti. Showing the world your power?

“Just a little bit of it. It’s like the world is a midget and I’m Milton Berle. There’s just not enough space for all my power.”

You refer not to Uncle Miltie’s comedy, but his legendary dong?

“I do. My power is like Milton Berle’s penis.”

I can totally see that. How’s the tour going?

“Same shit, different year. Drummers are a pain in the ass, Bobby’s wandering around confused, John’s bodyguards won’t let me anywhere near him.”

Oteil?

“We’re not talking.”

Why not?

“He re-negotiated his contract this tour. Didn’t even tell me. He’s allowed to eat now.”

That’s fucked up.

“It’s not cool. Uh-oh.”

What?

“Did you feel the rain?”

Oh, not you, too.

“Nope! We’re done here!”

Jeff, don’t do this.

…

Jeff?

…

Oh, good. A new running gag. Always fun.

The Silver Knight

May 19, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Hey, Jeff Chimenti. Whatcha doing?

“Pouting.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“I have feelings, too.”

I don’t even know where you got it in your head that you would be invited to the royal wedding.

“Is it because I’m Italian?”

No. Well, maybe.

“I mean, I couldn’t have gone because of Dead & Company rehearsal, but it would have been nice to have been asked.”

Do you even know these people?

“Dude. Maggie Marker?”

Meghan Markle.

“Huge Deadhead.”

Really?

“Like Walton, but with fewer knee surgeries. I’ve met her a bunch of times. She used to follow Ratdog.”

Wow, that is dedicated.

“Right? And then: nothing. Like we’re just the hired help.”

Um…

“Yes, I know that me and Oteil are literally the hired help, but it still hurts.”

Don’t know what to tell you. Maybe they’ll hit one of the shows for their honeymoon.

“You think?”

Oh, yeah. Probably Camden. It’s royal tradition to honeymoon in Camden, New Jersey.

“You’re a dick.”

You’re delusional.

“Kiss my grits.”

Jeff?

“What?”

Where’s Josh?

“We’ve actually been wondering that ourselves.”

Huh.

One Dead, Two Company

May 17, 2018 / / 0 Comments

I’m gonna need everyone who isn’t Bobby or Oteil to take his hand off his dick. Thank you.

OR

“Laurel!”

“Yanny!”

“Laurel!”

“Yanny!”

“BOTH OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF!”

OR

When did the Dead become Metallica? Are we doing the all-black thing now? I’m fine with it, but Josh wont be if he ever shows up for rehearsal.

OR

Seriously, Jeff, let go of your dong.

Dead Or Company?

May 17, 2018 / / 0 Comments

“So, uh, some folks heard ‘oral.'”

“Bobby.”

“And others heard ‘handy.'”

“No.”

“And, you know, both of those are fine ways to let young ladies show their appreciation of your musical abilities.”

“You’re not getting it right.”

“I suppose if she had a lot of rings on, I’d go for ‘oral.’ Or maybe some sort of skin condition. But if she had, say, a mouthful of peanut butter in her braces, I would go for ‘handy.’ There’s a lot of variables here.”

“Bobby, it’s ‘Laurel’ and–”

“Billy! Did you hear ‘oral’ or ‘handy?'”

“Fuck that grade school shit! Straight anal, baby!”

“Billy heard ‘straight anal.’ What about you, New Brent?”

…

“How do you not know my name? We’ve known each other for 20 years, Bob.”

“And I value our relationship right up until the moment you ask for more money.”

Franti Raid

March 14, 2018 / / 2 Comments

“You, uh, wanna do a thing?”

“Is the thing drumming?”

“No.”

…

“Fine, I guess.”

OR

Jeff Chimenti wearing a hat is like Scarlett Johansson wearing a space suit. Do not keep your beauty to yourself, Jeff Chimenti.  Does the eagle refuse to fly in fear of embarrassing the pigeon? Let the world see your silvery goodness.

OR

Double potato salad.

OR

I feel like Josh is showing me his invisible engagement ring.

OR

“Thoughts on my Ass! Look at my gum!”

No, thank you, Billy.

“Look!”

Fine. Yes, you have gum in your mouth.

“Sex gum.”

What does that even mean?

“Viagra-flavored. Gum gets soft, and Billy gets hard.”

Ew.

“I’m gonna stick it in stuff.”

Your dick or the gum?

“Both! I used to know some skank in Indianapolis. This chick could chew gum with her swimmin’ hole. Blow bubbles, the whole nine yards. I tried to get her on Star Search, but Ed McMahon called the cops on us.”

Good story.

“I got a million of ’em.”

Saxtet

March 10, 2018 / / 6 Comments

This is all the rehearsing that Furthur did.

OR

“Oteil?”

“Bobby, stop calling me that.”

OR

Even backstage, Mickey doesn’t get a real drum set.

OR

Heineken?

OR

Jeff Chimenti is a Shorts Die-Hard, isn’t he? Everybody knew one in college: the guy–it’s only guys that do this–who ALWAYS wears shorts, no matter what the weather or occasion. Usually, though, they’re fat guys or at least stocky. Jeff Chimenti is the skinniest SDH I’ve ever seen.

OR

“Yeah, I’m gonna need the white people to stop encircling me, please.”

OR

The fellow with the camera is Justin Kreutzmann–you know Justin–and he’s putting together a documentary about rock and roll drummers called Let There Be Drums. You can read about it, and see something called a sizzle reel, right here.

FUN FACT: For the past few years, Justin has been an editor on The Bachelorette.

Jeff Chimenti Gets Out The Youth Vote

March 3, 2018 / / 3 Comments

This is the worst Make-A-Wish visit I’ve ever seen.

“They won’t send us kids any more. There were incidents.”

Sure. What is this?

“I’m being polite.”

You shouldn’t be.

“They gave me free tee-shirts.”

What is it with the Grateful Dead and free tee-shirts?

“Dude, that’s not a Dead thing. That’s a human thing. Ever see the crowd go nuts when the tee-shirt cannon comes out?”

You should get one. You could set it off during your big solo in Friend of the Devil. Tinkley-dinkley-FLOOMP-tinkle-dinkle.

“Pretty sure Billy would steal it and start shooting dicks from point-blank range.”

True. You should get a neck tattoo.

“If I had to have a neck tattoo, I would just as soon not have a neck.”

Just your head sitting on top of your shoulders, and you could only look left or right by swiveling your entire body like when Michael Keaton was Batman?

“Just like that, yeah.”

Sure. Give that guy some soup.

“He does look a bit anemic.”

Give him some soup and play him some Liszt.

The Only Match Game In Town

February 6, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Nice.

“Once they see the hair in person, they’re defenseless.”

Like the Super Bowl.

“Topical.”

I don’t see a wedding ring. Get in there, bro. Use some of those moves Bobby taught you.

“Wandering around looking for my reading glasses?”

The other move.

“Glaring into cameras?”

Okay, forget Bobby. Did Billy teach you any moves?

“Billy doesn’t have moves. He just takes it out and sprints at chicks.”

Does that work?

“If the girl doesn’t know how to juke, yeah.”

Trick is to watch the hips.

“Sure. Listen: I don’t need any help with ladies. I’ve been a Grateful Dead for 20 years.”

Sort of.

“Closest you can get. De facto.”

I’ll give you de facto. You are a de facto Grateful Dead.

“I mean, it’s not like the old days, but it ain’t that tough. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Oh, wait: that’s a move Billy taught me. See, he puts women in a barrel–”

Stop talking.

Pleasant Distractions

January 30, 2018 / / 9 Comments

Yeah, sure, the speech is almost over, but let’s pretend I was actually a helpful person and posted this a few hours ago.

How about one of the first great mock-rock-docs, The Last Polka, starring Eugene Levy and the deeply-missed John Candy?

Or how about a deep dive into the history of everyone’s favorite 70’s sound, the Fender Rhodes? If you’re unfamiliar with the name, you’ll certainly recognize the timbre: it’s the keyboard that sounds like shag carpeting. Jeff Chimenti’s playing one here in this picture:

And a fellow named Barry Beckett is playing one on this Paul Simon number you surely know:

Nice mustache, asshole.

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