Tag: john mayer (Page 11 of 42)

Nice. Got a DMZ going.

“DMZ?”

Dandy Man’s Zone. That little bit on a white guy in between the pant cuff and socks. Sexiest part of a body. So dandy.

“I’d like you to focus on the clothes, and not the parts that aren’t clothes.”

What about your face?

“Scratch what I said. Concentrate on my clothes and face. And hair. Never, ever forget the hair.”

I’d rather not think about any of those–

“Sure, I’ll describe my outfit in detail.”

Dammit.

“The shoes are $1200 Nikes.”

Why are they $1200?

“What did you pay for your sneakers?”

Sixty bucks or something.

“Well, mine are twenty times more fashionable than yours.”

Okay.

“The socks are Visvim. They’re made out of wool from a lamb that lives in a castle.”

A castle?

“Big fucker. Got a moat and everything. You gotta see how happy this lamb is.”

The pants?

“Um, it’s called ‘a pant.’ Don’t embarrass me in front of my hoodie.”

The pant?

“I got ’em in Target. Isn’t that fun? High culture, low culture. I take a lot of inspiration from collage artists. Hold on. Lemme switch positions.”

What?

Oh.

“I’m very conscientiously getting into the kneeling lifestyle. There’s so much to learn! Left knee, right knee. There’s the Asian Squat, but my Achilles tendons won’t do that, and I don’t think it counts as a kneel.”

Did you change?

“Always.”

FACETIME REQUEST NOISE

“Why!?”

That last thing. The ‘Always.’ Just rubbed me on my wrong doodad.

“Dick. Ugh, it’s a Facetime.”

Maybe it’s Carrie Underwood.

“Been there, done that, not going back.”

Why not?

“She sniffs glue.”

That’s still a thing?

“That’s what I said!”

FACETIME REQUEST NOISE

“Hate you.”

Yeah, yeah.

…

“Number Two on the week’s iTunes download charts, John Mayer here.”

“Cram it, you Christ-killin’ sumbitch: I know you leaked our last conversation.”

“I didn’t.”

“Your people are nothin’ but liars.”

“Again, Sarah: not a Jew.”

“Look me in the eyes and say that!”

“Which one?”

“You stuff that sass, sheenie.”

“Which is the dominant eyeball? Where’s my focus supposed to be?”

“The leakin’ stops here! You go on back to your yarmulkes and buttholes!”

“I do like buttholes.”

“Heathen boy! I smite you in the name of Jesus.”

“You have no smiting authority. I’ve read the Constitution.”

“Constitution ain’t in charge no more. Trumpstitution rules Barter Town!”

“This is starting to make less and less sense.”

“TWO EYEBALLS ENTER, ONE EYEBALL LEAVES!”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Can my daddy play in your band?”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH FACETIME NEVER DID THAT

“I told you I wanted to stop talking to her.”

Yeah, I ignored you.

I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

“I’m disrupting life preservers.”

I wish I still didn’t understand.

“You ever see life preservers? Terrible looking things. First of all: the color.”

Bright orange? That’s for visibility.

“Dude, Instagram is for visibility. Life preservers are for telling the world, ‘Hey, I’m on a boat, but I’m also responsible.’ They’re like the condoms of the sea.”

Is it actually buoyant?

“Sexist.”

Not boy. Buoy.

“Like, does it float?”

Yes.

“God, no. That would ruin the line. This is made from reclaimed denim.”

Reclaimed?

“Those smelly-looking dudes from Online Ceramics stole some folks’ pants in the lot.”

Sure. Josh?

“Uh-huh?”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“You’re a little, little, little man.”

And yet in this universe, I am a god. Pick up the phone.

“Do you want to see my old-school flip phone? It’s so retro.”

Just answer the phone.

…

“Hey, this is John Mayer. Check out my new single on Spotify until I get METOO’ed and they remove my songs.”

“I know you’re the leaker, Jewboy.”

“Not a Jew. And…what?”

“You’re the leaker. Leakier than an old man’s dickhole. I’ll get you, Jew Mayer.”

“I cannot state this more unequivocally: I am not Jewish.”

“Don’t lie to me. I can sniff a Jew out like a ham hock.”

“Can we move past the accusations of Semiticism?”

“Don’t use your elitist words on me. I know you’re leakin’ secrets from the White House. You were the one who told the press we were calling Senator McCain ‘John McBraintumor.'”

“I wasn’t. And that’s not even funny.”

“No, leaks aren’t funny. We work long hours in this White House–”

“Except for one of you.”

“–tryin’ to make America great again but all you wanna do is make America synthwave again. I do not understand that swoopy music, and it frightens me.”

“Well, it’s based on movie scores from the–”

“KEEP YOUR JEWISH EXPLANATIONS TO YOURSELF, DREIDEL-FACE!”

“Again: I am a Christian.”

“You’re a Christian?”

“Yes!”

“Prove it. Tell me who you hate.”

“Wow.”

“Last chance, pretty boy. Knock off the leaks or you get the thunder.”

“Okay.”

“One more thing.”

“What?”

“You got Forest Whitaker’s phone number?”

“I could get it. Why?”

“Something about that man does it for me.”

“Something?”

“One specific thing.”

“Uh-huh.”

“No more warnings. And definitely don’t tell no one we got voodoo dolls of Lindsey Graham that we put into sexual positions with Ken dolls.”

TEXT NOTIFICATION FROM AN UNSECURED PHONE NOISE

“Goshdarnit!”

“What happened?”

“The voodoo doll thing leaked.”

“Tight ship you’re running over there, Huck.”

“Got my eye on you.”

“Which one? I can’t tell.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DON’T DO THAT ANY MORE

“I truly never want to speak to her again.”

Hey, man: I’m not in charge around here.