“Good evening, ticketholders, and welcome to Terrapin Crossroads’ annual seder dinner. Since Passover happens to fall on 4/20 this year, we’ll be combining the two celebrations with a very special meal and haggadah. We’re calling it the haggadoobie. Rabbi, would you like to lead us in the prayer over the edibles?”
“Not a rabbi, Phil. I’m Ross James.”
“You do look rabbinical.”
“It’s just the beard. Half the guys in here look like me.”
“Fine, fine, I’ll do it myself. I don’t actually know Hebrew, so bear with me. Ahem.”
Barack Obama Illinois
And-a hey-ho melon something something
A chair, Miss Ivana, Bar Mitzvah Dave
I gotta lick shells.
Passover.
“That was great. I did a hell of a job. And with no rehearsal! Okay, how about the Four Questions? Rabbi?”
“Still not a rabbi, Phil.”
“Again, I will take care of this. Okee-dokee, remember everyone: we’re combining the seder with 4/20. Everyone got it?”
“They remember the premise, Phil.”
“Y’know, you’re awful talkative for someone who isn’t a rabbi.”
“Sorry.”
“If I may continue. Where did I leave the paper with the questions? Did anyone see it? Ross? Did I leave it in my coat? And those were the Four Questions. Now it’s time for the children to find the afikomen.”
“Here I am!”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s me, haredi yoga instructor Afi Komen.”
“This has gotten a bit surreal.”
“I’d like you to meet my wife. She doesn’t have a name.”
“Why not?”
“We treat our women like shit.”
“Happy Passover.”
“And a bitchin’ 4/20 to you, boychik.”
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