WHEREAS these radical leftists–who are so left you can’t believe, just way over there–want to defund Mt. Rushmore and let Mexicans eat the suburbs, Donald J. Trump stands for America and that’s what billions of people voted for in 2016, and will again in 2020, and maybe a couple more times after that, who knows, anything can happen.

WHEREAS nine out of ten teachers are commies.

WHEREAS they hate America, and they want to teach your children to hate America, too. They go into the classrooms with dartboards. There’s a map of America on the board. They get the children, the beautiful children, to throw the darts at America, which is also so beautiful. Everyone is talking about dartboards and children and America.

WHEREAS the kids have to learn about Washington and Lincoln and Churchill and our great generals, and not that America is so miserable and sad and unfair and racist and sexist. If America is racist and sexist, how does the WNBA exist?

WHEREAS we need to celebrate the greatness of America, which far exceeds any other country’s greatness by a thousand. By at least a thousand, and the children need to learn this. And they need to stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance. I’m gonna do another Executive Order to cut off federal funding for any school that sits for the Pledge.

WHEREAS maybe instead of just saying the Pledge once in the morning, they do it before each class?

WHEREAS the Revolution, and then whatever, and then the Civil War, and then World War Two, and you’ll notice that America was the winner in every conflict. America has never lost a war. Even countries that are really good at war lose one or two, but not us. That’s history. That’s what we should be teaching the children, about heroes. Some woman not wanting to give up her seat on a bus is not a hero. If she was a hero, she would have owned a car.

WHEREAS Noam Chomsky is fake news.

WHEREAS they want to fill in your swimming pools and set your patios on fire. They want to take America and rip out her guts. They want to stab God. They want to get ahold of your children. Some of them will be eaten, but maybe they’re the lucky ones. The rest will be indoctrinated by nefarious forces, some of the most nefarious you could imagine, working behind the scenes. These are the shadow people.

WHEREAS no other President had the strength to confront and defeat the shadow people.

WHEREAS Donald Trump will defend the children, who need to realize how spectacular America is, and not constantly hear all this depressing crap about slavery and whatever.

WHEREAS do I need to sign this? I do? Just print it out and bring it to me. Junior, shut the fuck up. You don’t clean up my words. Those are Presidential words, and you’re going to clean them up? I wouldn’t trust you to clean up a gas station bathroom. Christ, I want my name back. Print it out! PRINT IT OUT!”