52 Pickup

Dear Iran,

Hi. How are you? We’re fine. Well, “fine.” Mostly, we’re inured. There’s an old experiment that comes to mind: surgically attach electrodes to a puppy and shock the little fucker at random intervals. Eventually, the puppy will just get used to living in Hell. It’s call “learned helplessness.” So, when I said “fine,” I guess I really meant “there’s no way to stop the train at this point.” But, hey: the Super Bowl is coming up, so that’s lovely for us.

Anyhoo, I’m writing about the soft-dicked, wet-brained sponge-that’s-been-sitting-in-diarrhea who, according to the rules made up by long-dead slavers, is in absolute command of our military. Maybe you’ve heard: he’s desperately trying to start a war with your country to distract from his impeachment. (You see, when Americans want to remove their leader, it’s nigh-on-impossibly difficult. When we want to remove your leaders, we just do it.)

In addition to the assassination of your military leader Qasem Soleimani–whom it should be noted was an absolute wang–Basketball Head has threatened the destruction of 52 important cultural and religious sites across Iran. You might be asking, “Does Donald Trump know 52 places in Iran?” ZZZAAAAAPPP! That was the electrode. I just shocked you like that poor, doomed puppy. Stop asking intelligent questions, Iran. They only make things worse nowadays.

For the past three years, most of Anus Eye’s worst impulses have been tamped down by the slightly-more-sane people surrounding him, but this appears to be the endgame, so if Turnip actually does go through with the whole “bombing 52 cultural sites” thing, then here are the 52 most important American cultural sites you may target in return:

1. Statue of Liberty.
2. World’s Largest Ball of Twine.
3. Oprah. (Oprah is mobile, but usually in the Chicagoland area.)
4. That cornfield with the dead baseball players.
5. The sidewalk outside the White Horse Tavern where Dylan Thomas dropped dead.
6. Spann Movie Ranch.
7. The line for Dippin’ Dots at Schilitterbahn.
8. The line for overrated donuts at Voodoo Donuts.
9. The line for whichever pastry is hip this year at Magnolia Bakery.
10. Walla Walla, Washington.
11. Cheesequake State Park, New Jersey.
12. Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico.
13. That house with all the windows on the side of the cliff that lets you know the movie’s taking place in Los Angeles.
14. Monument Valley.
15. Grand Canyon. (Although if I’m honest, I have no idea how you could blow up the Grand Canyon. Dropping explosives into the Grand Canyon would just make the canyon grander.)
16. Everglades. (Again: you most likely could not blow this up. The Everglades is a 100-mile-long, 60-mile-wide swamp. Fucker’s simply vast. Maybe you could poison it? I don’t think so, though. Lotta filtration plants in the ‘Glades. If you had a few decades and a trillion dollars, you might be able to drain it, but that’s just pie-in-the-sky nonsense. You could kill some people who lived there, but it’s all poor swamp trash in there and no one in America would care.)
17. The Squire in Revere, Massachusetts, where every Tuesday is two-for-one lap dance night.
18. Buzzy’s Roast Beef, also in Revere, Massachusetts, where every Tuesday is also two-for-one lap dance night.
19. The Taos Hum.
20. Graceland.
21. The grease trucks on College Avenue outside Rutgers.
22. The beach where Wilbur and Orville Wright made their first flight. (Once more, I’m at a loss in re: the plausibility of destroying the target. It’s a beach. Blow it up, and it’s still a beach. Ever see Normandy Beach? That got the shit blown out it, and it’s a damned beachy beach to this day.)
23. Nassau Coliseum.
24. Jones Beach.
25. Billy Joel’s birthplace.
26. Billy Joel’s current home.
27. Y’know what: just level all of Long Island.
28. That statue of Rocky Balboa that Philadelphia put up even though Smokin’ Joe Frazier, an actual heavyweight boxing champion, came from the city.
29. Dealey Plaza.
30. Cadillac Ranch.
31. Jumbo’s Clown Room.
32. Ford’s Theatre.
33. Mitchell Brothers O’Farrell Theater.
34. A country music festival in Las Vegas. (There’s no reason to think Americans won’t ignore it a second time.)
35. Original Famous Ray’s Pizzeria.
36. Famous Original Ray’s Pizzeria.
37. Ray’s Original Famous Pizzeria.
38. Somewhere in, like, Indiana because if you don’t blow up some shit in the Midwest, all the goobers will start bitching about “elitism” and “coastal bias” as if it’s our fault that where they live sucks.
39. Dollywood. (WARNING: if you blow up Dollywood, you’re getting nuked. I’ll press the button myself. Leave Dollywood alone.)
40. Miss Rosa’s Cathouse in Cascabel, Texas.
41. The Wayside Inn in Little Aleppo, California.
42. Hearst Castle.
43. Watts Tower.
44. One of those dreadful Calder sculptures sitting outside various government buildings.
45. Louis’ Lunch in New Haven.
46. Ben’s Chili Bowl in D.C.
47. Canter’s Delicatessen in LA.
48. Any random storefront that used to be a local joint run by the family that lived upstairs and is now a fucking drug store.
49. Mississippi River. (Y’know what? Go back and remove all the natural landmarks from the list. None of them can be destroyed. I mean, we’ve probably irrevocably fucked the Ol’ Miss through climate change, but there’s not much you could do to her with cruise missiles. Silly idea to include the natural landmarks. I wasted your time. My bad.)
50. Independence Hall.
51. Boston Harbor.
52. Ah, fuck it: Plymouth Rock.

I hope you don’t, Iran. Gosh, I hope you don’t. My wish is for nothing at all to blow up which is not proceeded by a series of whistles and the donning of OSHA-required protective gear. Let us forge a world free of unexpected explosions, Iran. Failing that, could you at least hold off on committing to a shooting war until November? Maybe the situation will look much different when the sun comes up on the second Wednesday in November. Or maybe not, in which case we’ll deserve it.

Sincerely,

Kermit Roosevelt, Jr.