A Partial Transcript Of Donald Trump’s Border Security Meeting

(Read this first so you know I’m not making this bullshit up.)

“Everyone come in, everyone make themselves the most comfortable they’ve ever been. Oval Office! Probably the best office in the world. The one I have in Trump Tower is a magnificent office, but this one might be better. Might be better. Of course, I had to re-decorate. The drapes were all me. Melania consulted on the rug, but I picked out the drapes. If I was gay, I’d be a great interior decorator. Not gay, though. Okay, where’s General Kelly?”

“He quit months ago, sir.”

“General? Where’s my General?”

“He’s not in your phone, Mr. President. Stop looking there.”

“General?”

…

“He’ll be here. Kirstjen, you are doing a terrible job on the border, just the worst job anyone has ever seen, and many people have told me this. My very good friend Sly Stallone called the other day, and about most things he was very, very complimentary, but not the border. Then he said Yo, Mr. President. You know, like he said to Adrian.”

“Mr, Stallone’s input notwithstanding, sir, we are making progress at the border.”

“He usually fought a black, but in one of them, he fought a Russian. Better he should fight the black. More money fighting blacks.”

“Applications for migrant status is down by ten percent.”

“Applications? We’re wasting paper on these animals now? And you know they’re all stealing the pens. Do we provide clipboards, too? Tell me that, Miss Homeland Security: are we handing out clipboards at the border? They will take the clipboards, and they will turn the clips into knives. These people are knife-people! You’re killing me!”

“The applications are done on computers, sir.”

“Lou Dobbs is right about you.”

“I have no idea how to respond to that.”

“We’re gonna nuke the border.”

“What now?”

“I have that power as President. Many people don’t know that, but I have enormous power to nuke whatever the hell I want. All the way across the border, we’re gonna nuke. We warn first, but we’re gonna nuke. We’re only warn in English, though.”

“Mr. President, maybe this decision needs to be thought through.”

“The American people, the real ones, they didn’t elect me to think. They elected me to know.”

“Okay.”

“And I know we should nuke the border. It’s so easy. No one realizes this, but it’s so easy. I figured this out, and we can do it so easy, it’ll be so beautiful that the entire world will be standing and cheering. We’re gonna nuke, whole border, all the way. Texas and Nevada and wherever, straight line. Leaves a huge ditch, maybe even bigger than the Grand Canyon. A lot of people agree with me that it’ll be bigger than the Grand Canyon. And we’re gonna do lava.”

“Lava?”

“We’re gonna fill Trump Canyon with lava.”

“You’ve already named it.”

“Oh, yeah. Trump Canyon. And we’re gonna get the hottest lava available. A lot of countries have sub-standard lava, honey. Japan has weak lava. It wouldn’t even singe you. Our lava’s gonna be great, can’t swim through it at all. Most of those people can’t swim in the first place, but we’re still gonna do the lava.”

“I just don’t know if any of this is physically possible, Mr. President.”

“Lou Dobbs says it’s a go.”

“Again, sir, notwithstanding. The logistics alone would take several months, if not years, to work out.”

“What’s to work out? We nuke, then the lava, and put in the chimps. Easy!”

“Chimps?”

“Face first! First thing a chimp goes for is your face. Then your balls. Face, then balls. Chimps go for the soft bits. Nasty, nasty creatures. Kinda remind me of Roy Cohn. Anyway, the chimps go in the lava and pick off any Mexicans that make it that far.”

“Wouldn’t the chimps burn to death?”

“Lavasuits!”

…

“What?”

“The chimps wear lavasuits. Sweetie, this is so easy. I don’t know why you’re having trouble with any of this.”

“I just don’t know if ‘lavasuits’ are a real…dear God, am I really having this conversation in the Oval Office?”

“No one has a better office. I saw What’s-his-face’s office in Saudi Arabia, the kid, the one who had the other guy killed, whatever-his-name-is. You’ve never seen anything like this. Falcons! They all got the hoods on, they’re majestic, the whole thing, falcons, amazing. Not tall. The head Arab, the one I talked to, we got along so wonderfully. Great office. Falcons.”

“Sir?”

“Tariffs.”

“What?”

“We can do a tariff. We tariff the border.”

“Well, first of all: I’m the Homeland Security Director, and so I don’t have anything at all to do with tariffs; and, second: you can’t tariff a border, sir.”

“Ebola. Let’s do an Ebola. You approach the border from the Southern side, and you get Ebola. Bing bang bola. Not gonna lie, that was Stephen Miller’s idea. I love my Stevie. Stevie, tell Kirstjen your other idea for the border.”

“Immense machines of pain. Built to trample and rend. Imbued with the mind of the Sheltered One. My spells are nearly complete, but I need $6 trillion.”

“I love my Stevie. Kirstjen, sugardrop, is that in the budget?”

“No, sir.”

“I ran on the border! This is how I beat the very corrupt Crooked Hillary, who was so corrupt. Rudy Giuliani told me that Chelsea Clinton punched a cop in Budapest, but you never hear about that in the very biased media. I am maybe the most perfect President in the history of the country, but you’d never know it from the media, which is very biased. We have to close off the border, because if you don’t have a border, then you don’t have a country. This is my thing, the border. Purge?”

“I’m sorry, purge?”

“We do a Purge. The whole border. All of it gets a Purge.”

“Are you talking about the movies where all laws are suspended for one night each year?”

“Yeah. But for good. Permanent Purge. And then you let the Second Amendment types take care of the problem. Everyone’s happy, very easy. I’m gonna do a Purge.”

“Sir, you do not have the authority to declare an area of the United States law-free.”

“Obama made murder legal in Chicago.”

“I have to push back on that, sir. He did not.”

“Are you calling Lou Dobbs a liar?”

“Isn’t it time for lunch?”

“That’s the first smart thing you’ve said in this meeting.”