Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Mount Rushmore Remarks, 7/3/20

“Great, okay, yeah, so nice, Rushmore, all right, great. They tried to keep us from coming, but here we are. They block the roads with their tomahawks, buffalo, whatever. It doesn’t matter. I got a helicopter. Flew right over them. The pilot–and I have some of the best pilots you’ve ever seen, and they look so good, straight from central casting, tall, mustache–says to me Mr. President, please let me drop bombs on them. They hate America. And I said You’re right. They do hate America, but hold off on the bombs. So the pilot says They should call you Trump the Merciful, sir. And I said, Yeah, they should. That’s all true, true story. Where’s Kimberly Guilfoyle?

“Where’s Kimmy? She’s dating Junior for some reason. Did a lot to her face, but the body is still incredible. Women can keep their body or their face, not both. Kimmy, where are you?

“Kimmy?”

THUNDERING DUNDERWIT GETTING DISTRACTED BY A LASER POINTER WIELDED BY STEPHEN MILLER NOISE

“Ooh, green. So, anyway: Rushmore. Probably the greatest mountain we have. Anywhere, not just America. Everest has its problems! There’s a lot of people very down on Everest right now. Europe has some nice mountains, skiing, some beautiful resorts, but you can’t tell one mountain from another. Not Rushmore. You see Mount Rushmore, you’re like Hey, that’s Mount Rushmore. Great branding.

“But they want to take this away from us. First they take our statues, and then they take our beautiful mountains. This is antifa, this is the bad blacks, this is MS-13, this is the social–”

HAND GESTURE NOISE

“–justice–”

HAND GESTURE NOISE

“–warriors. They’re ‘woke.’ They wake up one day and want to destroy America. I’m woke and I hate George Washington. That’s what they say. So they desecrate our beautiful statues, tear them down, draw terrible things on them with spray paint. That’s mostly the bad blacks. Those people are incredible with the spray paint.

“All they wanna do is cancel. Cancel this, cancel that. I never got canceled. Did The Apprentice for nine seasons, and then I retired on top. Best ratings that NBC ever saw. Better than Cosby, Cheers, or that awful Jerry Seinfeld, who was never funny. Arnold tries to replace me. Huge flop! No one wants to see him! He sits there like a dummy. I made sure to put some energy into it, to sell the show, but Arnold is boring and so he failed like a dog. I didn’t get canceled, ever, but they wanna cancel all of your mountains.

“Y’got Washington, Jefferson. There’s Lincoln, who was good and not so good. People disagree on Lincoln. Roosevelt with the mustache. Not the one in the wheelchair. There was another Roosevelt, great President, very strong even though he couldn’t walk. Franklin. But he didn’t have a mustache. The one on the mountain isn’t that Roosevelt. That’s important to know.

“And these men were such beautiful men, and did so much for America, and now the Indians and whoever start screaming to cancel them. Canceling George Washington is like canceling the sky. Y’gonna cancel the sky? Maybe they’re thinking about it! I wouldn’t put it past antifa to try to cancel the sky. The Indians come in here and they cry. They say How, Big Chief. Mountain is-um sacred.Well, if it’s so sacred, then why are there faces of Presidents? I won that argument.

“Some of these statues are so wonderful, and the totalitarian left wants them all down. The horses are like you’ve never seen before. Really great horses on some of these statues. Powerful animals. And the men are riding the horses so gorgeously. You put that in a park, and everyone’s happy. That’s a draw! Who cares about a park? Benches, some stupid kids running around, maybe a pond or whatever. Who cares, right? But you install a beautiful statue that honors a brave hero on a horse, and now you really have something.

“They’re coming after Christopher Columbus. They’re coming after the MGM Grand because they say it’s racist against lions. They’re coming after hockey because they say it’s racist that the puck is black. The Black Hills. Maybe they’ll come for the Black Hills. I saw a lot of pickup trucks on the way in. They wanna replace them with taco trucks. It starts with statues and it ends with taco trucks.

“So, on Monday, I will sign an executive order implementing the death penalty for taking down any more statues, and I will set aside $100 million to study how to build the wall out of statues. I’m gonna kill two birds with one stone. Wall, statues. Americans deserve a wall made from statues, and I’m going to deliver it, unlike Joe Biden, who doesn’t know what day it is and likes little girls.

“Okay, yeah, wonderful, God bless America, good, good.”

2 Comments

  1. Carlos

    You missed the part where he said “Everybody Must Get To Work to Eliminate the Soarrows”

  2. Carlos

    Sparrows

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