HOUSE HEARING ROOM – MORNING
“Order, please. Come to order. This morning, the House of Representatives begins the public phase of its impeachment inquiries into President Donald Trump, which means everyone will be watching. Let us not sully this august chamber with our usual frattish theatrics and petty outbursts.”
“Chairman Schiff, I make a motion that you call all this off, then apologize to President Trump for being such a ballsack.”
“That’s the kind of crap I was talking about, Congressman Jordan. Stop it. And why aren’t you wearing a jacket?”
“Got too swole.”
“Whatever, just shut up. Impeachment is not undertaken lightly. This is only the fourth time in our nation’s history. Mostly with President Trump, it’s the first time. A lot of first times with this guy. First time a President ever got up at dawn and publicly argued with the teevee every single deathless day. First time a White House aide got caught palling around with Nazis and didn’t get fired immediately. Remember when he got in a fight with the National Weather Service about where the hurricane was gonna go and then redrew a map with a Sharpie to prove he was right? First time for that bullshit. But impeachment? Four times prior.
“As we have already heard in previous hearings, and what will be confirmed by today’s testimony, is that the President of the United States withheld military aid to Ukraine in exchange for assistance with his upcoming reelection campaign. His actions raised red flags with numerous diplomats, bureaucrats, and members of the Intelligence Community, and all of them took notes on everything. In a sane world, this is the slam-dunkiest impeachment you’ve ever seen, but apparently we live in Thunderdome now.
“Our witness today is the acting U.S. ambassador to Ukraine, Bill Taylor. Thank you for being here, ambassador.”
“America called and I answered, Chairman Schiff.”
“Ambassador, you’ve already testified about the scheduled phone call between President Trump and President Zelensky, but you say you have information about a second call that you also found distressing?”
“Yes. On July 26th of this year, I was notified of a call between the President and EU ambassador Sondland that I was alarmed by.”
“The content of the call alarmed you?”
“The content. The manner in which it was made. The cavalier attitude towards security. All of it. Just absolutely all of it.”
“Go on.”
“I became aware of the call because it took place at a restaurant in Kyiv. Ambassador Sondland had the President on speaker and the whole dining room was listening. A member of my staff happened to be having dinner two tables over.”
“That sounds like a breach in protocol.”
“Not a breach, no. More like an obliteration of the concept. You should understand the restaurant I’m talking about here. It’s the one in the Four Seasons where all the international businessmen and diplomats hang out. The place is lousy with spies. We believe the Russians found out about the call soon thereafter. They might have actually heard it in real-time.”
“Uh-huh. And what was the substance of the call?”
“It regarded the conditions that had been placed on the release of the aid. Specifically, the President wanted Ambassador Sondland to get Ukrainian President Zelensky to make ‘the most perfect speech that’s gonna be so beautiful and perfect’ and sentence Hunter Biden to death.”
“Pardon me?”
“Having the Ukrainians execute Hunter Biden was on and off the table throughout this ordeal. The idea was always floating around.”
“Wow. I will now yield the floor to my distinguished colleague, the ranking member. Congressman Nunes?”
“I demand you set yourself on fire!”
“No.”
“I demand I be allowed to hit the witness with a stick.”
“No.”
“SHAM! This is all a sham. I call these proceeding ‘Sam,’ because they are a sham. And they are wooly-bully. This whole fraud is a wooly-bully sham, and Jefferson sleeps uneasy tonight in the Memorial.”
“Jefferson isn’t buried in the Memorial, dummy.”
“LIAR! Jefferson is buried within all of our hearts!”
“Jesus.”
“Ambassador Taylor, I have many questions and I’m also gonna bellow incoherently at you a little.”
“I welcome them, Congressman Nunes.”
“In reference to this phone call you say you heard–”
“I didn’t say I heard it.”
“–did you really hear it?”
“No.”
“So you didn’t.”
“No, not personally.”
“Ipso facto. That’s your ipso facto right there. Democrats have been yelling about quid pro quo, but now we got an ipso facto. Everyone’s speaking Latin here. Ambassador Taylor, is it true that you once shoved a harmonica up a Chinese man’s ass, then made him fart out My Old Kentucky Home?”
“God, no.”
“Tell us the whistleblower’s name.”
“I don’t know it, Congressman.”
“Sir, why do you accuse the President of not caring about corruption in Ukraine? President Trump has led one of the cleanest and most transparent administrations in the history of this country, and he wants to spread that around the world.”
“That was not what was happening here. There are official channels through which nations can collaborate in fighting the scourge of corruption. None of what was happening was taking place anywhere near those official channels.”
“I hereby ask the Chairman to force the ambassador’s pants down and let me throw balogna at his ass.”
“Stop it.”
“Salami and various cheeses.”
“Nunes! Stop being crazy. I will now turn the proceedings over to–”
MENTALLY-STUNTED BALD TEXAN ENTERING THE CHAMBER NOISE
“IT’S LOUIE TIME!”
“Gohmert, get the hell out of here!”
“No, Congressman Jewish! I demand you stop this! It is bad! I have bombs!”
MORON THROWING HIS COAT OPEN TO REVEAL DEFLATED BALLOONS TAPED TO HIS CHEST NOISE
“Jesus, Gohmert. You all right?”
“I like Trump.”
“Okay. We’re gonna take five minutes and I’m gonna have a little chat with my colleagues across the aisle.”
GAVEL NOISE
This is the actual transcript, right?
He just cut out the foolishness.
Usually you make stuff up
There are easily–EASILY–a dozen jokes about this administration I have made which, a day or two later, have been confirmed.