Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Partial Transcript Of The Michigan Voter Fraud Hearing, 12/2/20

“Against this committee’s better judgement, and in the vain hope that if we just let you idiots bray for a while you’ll tire yourselves out, we will continue with the testimony of Melissa Carone. Miss Carone, you say that you worked for Dominion Voting Systems.”

“Yeah, I worked that shit. I put my thing down, flipped it, and reversed it.”

“Oh, great. You’re in the same mood as when we took a break.”

“Your head looks like a penis. And not a good penis. There are good penises! But not your head.”

“Knock that off.”

“I bet your penis-head is responsible at least 50,000 fake votes.”

“How?”

“Treachery!”

“Ma’am, I’m gonna plow through. You say you worked for Dominion, but have produced no evidence of that assertion.”

“Because I worked under the table. That company is super-shady, y’all.”

“So you worked for the company…secretly?”

“Yuh-huh.”

“Why?”

“Ask Affy David.”

“Who?”

“I talked to him about everything. Affy David. And I signed something.”

“Are you referring to an affidavit?”

“No, I don’t like foreign food.”

“Ma’am–”

“I’m gonna stick my head all the way in my purse for a sec. Do not speculate. It’s just a thing I do.”

LOONEY-BIRD DIVING INTO HER POCKETBOOK AND GUZZLING FROM A FLASK NOISE

“Mr. Giuliani, you used to be the Mayor of New York City, right?”

“I was.”

“Thought so.”

WACKADOODLE REEMERGING FROM HER HANDBAG NOISE

“I’m back! What was Fidel Castro up to while I was gone?”

“Nothing. He died years ago.”

“That’s what they want you to think. Not-President Hussein Obama keeps him alive with transfusions of communist blood.”

“No.”

“That’s why blood’s red.”

“Nope.”

“Somewhere from 3 to 85 million votes were illegally placed by Richard Simmons.”

“How did he become a part of this?”

“It’s all a part of this! Representative Jermajesty–”

“Johnson.”

“–you must reveal the Codex of Publius!”

“The what now?”

“The names! The names have been scrivened!”

“Scrivened?”

“The Democronomicon!”

“Are you talking about the poll book?”

“Yes, but I’m not being common about it.”

“Ma’am, the poll book is a matter of public record and available for any citizen to view.”

“You’ve clearly enchanted it with a Glamour Spell.”

“Please leave the occult out of this. People are already worked up enough without bringing dark magicks into it.”

“Representative Jamband–”

“Johnson. It’s one of the easiest names there is.”

“–I follow the truth. If the truth goes to, like, a forest then I go to a forest. That’s who I am. I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it.”

“You’ve mentioned that.”

“Not enough! Hey, Penis-head, quick question.”

“Johnson. Hell, call me Steve.”

“Just between you and me…you know a guy?”

“Wha?”

“Mama’s had a bit too much purse and needs to put some pocket on top of it.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“Never been more serious. Don’t you have a cool nephew or something?”

“I’m just gonna pretend I don’t understand what you’re asking me.”

“I want–”

“Stop talking.”

“–some co–”

“Please shut up.”

“–caine.”

GAVEL NOISE!

“We’re done.”

“Censorship!”

“Nope.”

10 Comments

  1. JES

    Definitely NOT fusion.

    Possible to probable that there is a pierogi or two in the purse, though . . .

  2. wabisabied

    Did satire just die?

  3. MJK

    “mr Giuliani, you used to be the mayor of New York City, right?”.

  4. Buck Mulligan

    “put some pocket on top of it” is going into official euphemism circulation.

    • Matt O

      Seconded.

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      I don’t like tooting my own tooter, but that sentence made me exceedingly happy to write.

      • Buck Mulligan

        I actually looked it up to see if it was a term of art I’d somehow missed. Guess it is now.

  5. wabisabied

    Anyway, good on Victoria Jackson for getting some work. I bet it was a paid gig, even.

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      I cannot give enough credit to that poor sumbitch Johnson. How did he not simply say, “You’re schwozzled, heifer!” within ten seconds?

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