WHITE HOUSE BRIEFING ROOM – MORNING

“Y’all need to settle. I ain’t gonna tell you again. Zip it up back there or I’ll throw my sensible pumps right at your face. We got a lot t’ get through today, an’ they’re doin’ All-You-Can-Eat cheddar biscuits down by the Red Lobster again, so I’m outta here at three. By th’ latest. I’d prefer to’ve tucked in already, but you liars an’ prevaricators need all y’all’s asses wiped for you. So now Mama don’t get her cheddar biscuits. Thank you, Jews and Jew-tolerators.”

“Hey!”

“Acosta, I’ll pistol-whip you if you start with your nonsense today.”

“I’m sorry, Sarah, but ‘Jews and Jew-tolerators’ is unacceptable.”

“I never said that.”

“It was not even ten seconds ago.”

“Fake news.”

“Oh, it’s gonna be one of those press conferences.”

“I’m gonna continue helpin’ President Trump make America great, if you don’t mind. I have some announcements an’ then I have a prepared statement to read. First of all, NAFTA has been dissolved and replaced with a new deal called DONALD. All the details are the same, but the name is much stronger and the President responded very strongly to the name. We gonna issue a release on what the letters stand for real soon, too.

“Second: depending on well someone’s meeting with his lawyers go this afternoon, we may be at war with Iran real soon. Just a heads-up on that one. Watch this space.

“Third, we are aware of Kanye and his patriotism.

“Fourth, the President will be testing the Emergency Alert Service shortly. I will now read from a statement that I did not write.

“Ahem.

“When they attack the beautiful, wonderful Brett Kavanaugh, who went to Yale, the Democrats are attacking America and the flag. Some of the smartest people are from Yale. Penn is as good. Penn is as good, some would say better in some areas, but Yale is tops. These Democrats hate him because he respects families. No one, no one you’re ever gonna meet, respects families like Brett Kavanaugh.

“What they’re doing to this fine man’s reputation should be criminal. Chuck Schumer, Cryin’ Chuck, who is the lowest scumbag moneysucking weasel you’ve ever met, he begs for money like a dog, says that no matter what he hears, he’s voting ‘no.’ How is that not treason? The judge came out and he was so strong in his denials, and to say that? To say you’re voting ‘no’ no matter what? That might be treason.

“Ahem.

“John?”

“Sarah, three of the Senators necessary for Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation have expressed disgust at the President’s imitation of Dr. Ford at his rally in Mississippi last night.”

“I would disagree with your characterization. President Trump don’t do no imitations. You thinkin’ ’bout Rich Little.”

“Rich Little? How old are you?”

“Huckabees are ageless. The President wasn’t doin’ no impression. What he was doin’ was statin’ the facts of the case in a clear an’ concise manner. He had t’ dumb it down a l’il bit; he was in Mississippi, after all. An’ so what he did was speak to the people in their language, which is why th’ Democrats wanna destroy him.”

“The President of the United mocked a woman accusing his Supreme Court nominee of attempted rape and you’re blaming it on the crowd?”

“I would also disagree with ‘mock.’ Like I said, he was statin’ facts.”

“But the things he said weren’t true.”

“Facts ain’t gotta be true to be facts.”

“They do.”

“Not no more. Blake?”

“Sarah, does the White House believe that the FBI has enough time to conduct a thorough background check on Judge Kavanaugh in the short time they’ve been given?”

“The FBI is the world’s preeminent investigative body, and they can do just ’bout anything.”

“Are you talking about the same FBI the President regularly accuses of bias, incompetence, and malfeasance?”

“I do not believe that President Trump ever used the word ‘malfeasance.’ April Ryan, you gonna ask a question right away, or you gotta kneel before?”

“You’re getting a beating before you leave this job, young lady.”

“You know where I am. Go ‘head with your question.”

“The New York Times is reporting a heavily-documented story about the shady deals and tax fraud engaged in by the Trump family during the 80’s and 90’s. The White House has issued a general denial, but can you tell me specifically what was wrong with the article?”

“First off, it was too dang long. Need a nap halfway through. Real snoozer.”

“Anything else?”

“The Times article was characteristic of the sad decline of a once-great newspaper. Now all they do is lie. And fail. These allegations is all rehashed, and have been dealt with, and–once again–the article was just too dang long. Shoulda serialized that sucker.”

“Specifically, though.”

“That libelous piece of trash article was a slur on the good names of Fred and Mary Trump! Might as well’ve gone down t’ the graveyard and dug ’em up and become feculent upon their earthly remains.”

DIXIE PLAYS WHILE A MAN SITTING SIDE-SADDLE RIDES IN NOISE

“Senator Graham. We weren’t expecting–”

“IT’S SICK! That’s sick! The New York Times is sick! How could you do that to those wond’rful people, you monsters? You’re no better than the ghouls of the piney woods that haunted my dreams as a sickly and artistic child! Every word of that filthy piece of garbage was a desecration of Fred and Margie!”

“Mary.”

“Whatever. YOU’RE GONNA BURN IN HELL. All y’all. For trying to destroy this shining beacon of strength and glory, Donald Trump. You hate him, all y’all. If I could, I’d have cigarettes put on on your faces. The Trump family is good American stock and you just wanna tear it all down. All y’all are gettin’ cigarettes to the face.”

DIXIE PLAYS WHILE A MAN SITTING SIDE-SADDLE RIDES OUT NOISE

“That happened. Who all has another question? Anyone but Acosta.”

“Sarah, why won’t you call on me?”

“Because you’re a troublemaker and I wanna buy a lion an’ set it on you.”

“That’s unnecessary.”

“It’s necessary as all get-out. Lion’s gotta eat, an’ I gotta watch you die.”

“Jesus.”

“Boy, you blaspheme one more time, an’ I’ll stomp your guts.”

“Sarah, I want to follow up about the tax fraud article.”

ROOMFUL OF PHONES MAKING THE EMERGENCY ALERT NOISE NOISE

…

“Sarah, the President just sent the entire country an emergency message that reads Jim Acosta is Fake News.”

“Yeah, he’s probably gonna be using that to rage-tweet now. We all saw it comin’.”

“Can you please answer my question about the tax fraud? The Times is reporting that the Trump family engaged in–

ROOMFUL OF PHONES MAKING THE EMERGENCY ALERT NOISE NOISE

“–persistent patterns of…oh, you gotta be kidding me.”

…

“Sarah, the President just sent the entire country an emergency message that reads $1000 to the first person to punch Jim Acosta in the Fake News head!”

“Wow. He just turned your life into a Purge-type deal, didn’t he?”

ROOMFUL OF PHONES MAKING THE EMERGENCY ALERT NOISE NOISE

…

“This one says Sarah, go punch Jim Acosta in the head.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna be needed in a meeting real soon, so I’m gonna wrap this up. No more questions, an’ God bless President Trump.”