A Ragged Narrative

Here’s a neat photo: Annabelle Garcia in front of the American flag from the picture. You know, the one from the picture.

…

Really? Oh, fine:

(It should be noted with a wistful and wrinkled grin that Garcia is about half Annabelle’s age in this pic.)

Apparently, Mountain Girl kept the thing up in the attic for all these years, possibly in her hope chest, and the family dug it out this week. Jim Irsay has already called the house a dozen times trying to buy it.

“WHY IS HAIRY GARCIA TRYIN’ TO OUT-AMERICA THE KING?”

Shit.

“AH’M UNCLE SAM, THASS WHO AH AM.”

Take that off and get out of here.

“YOU WATCH YER TONE, BOY! AH AM HERE TO LOVE AMERICA AND BEAT SOME HIPPIE ASS, AN’ YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE AMERICA T’ ME!”

I don’t want you in the same post as Annabelle. She doesn’t deserve this.

“OH, AH DID NOT SEE YOU THERE.”

GIANT HAT TIPPING NOISE

“MA’AM.”

Don’t talk to her; she’s not a character.

“IZZAT HAIRY GARCIA’S LISA MARIE?”

He had more than one, but I guess you could say that.

“HOW DARE YOU, BOY! WHY WOULD YOU NOT INFORM ME OF TH’ PRESENCE OF HAIRY GARCIA’S GIRL-CHILD? HOW C’N AH FULLY ENJOY USIN’ MAH KARATE TO DEFEAT HIM KNOWIN’ HIS LI’L GIRL WAS WATCHIN’?”

That would make it tough, yeah.

“YOU KNOW WHAT AH LOVE MOST ‘BOUT AMERICA?”

No, what?

“MORNIN’S.”

Mornings?

“UH-HUH.”

That’s it?

“UH-HUH.”

…

You want to expound on that a bit?

“AH’LL EXPOUND ON YER HEAD! YOU KNOW WHAT WITH?”

Karate?

“KARATE! MAYBE A LI’L NINJA STUFF.”

You know Ninjitsu?

“AH AM A MASTER, ‘CEPT F’R THE STEALTH PART.”

That’s a big part of being a ninja, Elvis.

“AH AM VERY SNEAKY, BUT YOU TRY GETTIN’ THE MEMPHIS MAFIA TO SHUT UP AN’ STOP PLAYIN’ GRABASS.”

Sure.

“THEM SOME GRABASSTIC SUMBITCHES.”

Like to fool around.

“THEY ALWAYS CUTTIN’ UP, TRYIN’ TO MAKE THEIR KING LAUGH. OTHER DAY, CHARLIE HODGE DONE ATE A PENCIL JUS’ T’ GET ME T’ GIGGLIN’. ”

Did you?

“NOT AT FIRST, MAN, BUT THEN CHARLIE HODGE DIDN’T WANNA EAT TH’ ERASER, SO AH PULLED A PISTOL ON HIM AN’ MADE HIM. THAT WAS FUNNY.”

I really hate your stories.

“PINK SUCKER GOT STUCK IN HIS THROAT. ALMOST DIED RIGHT THERE IN TH’ JUNGLE ROOM.”

Stop talking.

“AH WOULD HAVE HONORED CHARLIE HODGE IN DEATH BY MOUNTIN’ HIS HEAD ON TH’ WALL, AN’ LAID BENEATH HIM A WREATH COMPOSED OF TH’ SCARVES AN’ WATER HE BROUGHT ME SO OFTEN.”

He was an important part of the show.

“AH ONCE TRIED TO GET MAHSELF WATER. ENDED UP IN TH’ HOSPITAL F’R A WEEK.”

Wow.

“AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE, AH DID NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO FETCH MAHSELF A SCARF.”

Good idea.

“AH DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE KEEP TH’ SCARVES.”

Maybe a closet?

ACTUAL PHONE NOISE

“THASS A PHONE, MAN.”

Yeah. Not mine.

“OH, AH SEE IT.”

…

“AH AM HAVIN’ TROUBLE WITH TH’ PHONE!”

Can’t you do anything by yourself?

“MAKE LOVE TO AN AUDIENCE.”

Sure.

“TH’ CORD’S WRAPPED AROUND MAH NECK!”

Jesus, you’re useless.

“HELP ME, JOE ESPOSITO! RED! SONNY! MISS MARY!”

Just unravel the cord, Elvis.

“THIS DAMN THING GOTTA MIND OF ITS OWN!”

Stop struggling.

“ISS WRAPPED UP IN MAH SCARF!”

Relax.

…

“AH FIGURED IT OUT.”

Good job.

“LEMME TAKE THIS. IT MUS’ BE IMPORTANT. THEY CALLIN’ ON TH’ RED PHONE.”

Sure.

…

“DEPUTY PRESLEY SPEAKIN.'”

“Чou not police.”

“AH HAVE TH’ SHINIEST BADGES YOU EVER SAW, BOY!”

“I am man. You are boy.

“ANNOUNCE YERSELF SO THAT AH MAY KNOW WHO T’ KARATE!”

“Is Putin.”

“PUTIN FROM TH’ FLAMIN’ GROOVIES?”

…

“Next person mentions Flaming Groovies gets poisoned.”

“DONTCHOO THREATEN THE KING, BOY.”

“Putin do better than threaten. Putin blackmail. Ve have tapes of your decadence.”

“AH DON’T KNOW THAT SONG.”

“Is not song.”

“EV’RYTHING ELVIS TOUCHES IS BY DEFINITION A SONG.”

“I need you to focus.”

“AH NEED YOU T’ SPEAK WITH LESS OF AN ACCENT.”

“Videotapes, Elvis America. Ve have tapes of you doing things to young ladies. So naughty.”

“YOU DO, HUH?”

“DA.”

…

OFFICE DOOR OPENING NOISE

…

“Господин Путин, ленты ушли!

“Какие!?”

“Ленты ушли в прошлое.”

…

“Убирайся!”

OFFICE DOOR CLOSING NOISE

…

“Vell played.”

“YOU AIN’T NEVER FUCKED WITH NO ONE WITH A TIME CAPE BEFORE, HAVE YA?”

“Not cape, no.”

“THIS GONNA BE TH’ LAST AH HEAR O’ YER COMMIE ASS?”

“Da.”

“DAMN STRAIGHT.

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH TOY PHONES DO NOT DO THAT

Good for you, King.

“CAN’T STAND ME A COMMIE.”

Nobody out-Americas Elvis.

“PRAISE TH’ LORD.”