Dear The Entire World:
Greetings from North Sentinel Island. Wish you were here! Ha ha, that is our little joke. We do not desire your presence in the slightest. We will, as demonstrated again and again, react violently to any attempt on your part to visit us. Imagine us as Studio 54, and yourself as someone who is ugly and wearing the wrong shoes. You cannot come in.
Allow me to introduce myself and my people: I am not telling you my name, nor the name of my tribe. Again: our lives are none of your business. If you simply must refer to me by a title, then call me Chief. Now, I’m not actually a “Chief,” more like a respected elder who’s good at interpersonal relationships, but–and I apologize for repeating myself, but I need to make this one point clear–I have no interest whatsoever in explaining our society to you motherfuckers. We tried the outside world, and we are now on a permanent “Hard Pass” status.
I am writing this letter to the New York Times in hopes that they will print it on their Op-Ed page; even though we are a neolithic people who have not mastered metallurgy or electricity, we believe we have more to say than Ross Douthat or Maureen Dowd. Is she supposed to be funny? I don’t get that woman. Perhaps my words will encourage you, the rest of the world, to appreciate our one simple request: Stay the fuck away from us.
Is this so difficult, leaving us alone? Several ships have beached themselves on our reefs and shores, and we have explored the wrecks. We are not stupid. We can imagine, from the complexity of the vehicles, that you have a wondrous world on wherever your island is. Yet, we do not sneak into your homes uninvited to yell at you about strange gods and give you diseases. It is the easiest task on the planet, not going somewhere. Watch me not go to Ohio.
…
Did you see it? I did not go to Ohio. Easy-peasy. I should assume that it is similarly simple for you to not visit us.
The organization that the dead man on our beach belonged to has issued a statement. This is their right. Our right–and we do reserve it–is to murder anyone who comes to our island. I will rebut one point in the press release, however: the man we recently killed was not killed because he was a Christian. We have literally no idea what “Christian” means. Nor was he killed because he was a white man, or an American. Again: these concepts do not fit within our framework of consciousness. Had he been a Muslim from Egypt, or a Jew from Sardinia, or a woman from Los Angeles who was “spiritual, but not religious,” the outcome would have been the same. None of you get an admission ticket. Not even Oprah. We would absolutely riddle Oprah’s head and torso with arrows if she sailed up tomorrow. There are no exceptions to our closed-door policy.
Finally, we have received word that the family of the dead man on the shore would like his body back. They may pick it up at a time of their choosing. We shall be there to welcome them.
Sincerely,
How Many Times Do We Have To Tell You To Go Fuck Yourselves?
if they were Sentientalese it might be different. possibly longer if Centennialese.