Another Champ

Normal folks got no money, and shitty connections, and this means that normal folks can only get so high. Rich people got money–or can get credit–and that draws a better class of drug dealer. Rich people can get pretty high. Elvis, though, had his own doctor and the pharmacy he went to was on Elvis Presley Boulevard. Elvis got the highest. There’s no way to be higher than Elvis here.

“HOW DARE YOU, BOY!”

I had to figure you’d show up. Hey, King.

“NOTICE MAH MEDAL!”

It’s nice. What’s it for.

“IT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY A KARATE MASTER AH BATTLED JUST OUTSIDE ELKO, NEVADA. AH DEVASTATED TH’ MAN WITH MAH KICKS AN’ OTHER VARIOUS KARATE MOVES.”

Great.

“YOU ACCUSIN’ THE KING O’ SOMETHING? YOUR ASSERTIONS WILL BE REFUSTED. STRAIGHT-UP REFUSTED. AH JUS’ MADE UP THAT WORD. ‘REFUSTED.’ THAT AIN’T NO WORD. AN’ YOU WASN’T GONNA CORRECT ME, BOY! YOU WAS GONNA SIT THERE AN’ FEEL ME BEIN’ DOMINANT!”

You’re rather aggressive this visit.

“AH RESPOND TO DISRESPECT WITH THE FEROCITY OF A LION. LOOK!”

“SEE ? LION!”

Lion.

“AH REMEMBER DOIN’ THIS NUMBER. WE HAD THAT BOY UP HERE T’ GRACELAND IN ’69. HE VISITED DURIN’ THAT NEKKID FOREST PARTY UP IN NEW YORK STATE. HE LIVED RIGHT UP THE STREET. NOISE WAS DRIVIN’ HIM NUTS.”

Wow. I did not know this.

“SHOWED UP AT TH’ GATES INNA CHRYSLER TOWN & COUNTRY. THAT’S TH’ CAR OF A SERIOUS MAN. I ALLOWED HIM ENTRANCE TO MAH HOME. BOB DYLAN WAS GREETED AT TH’ DOOR BAH MAH MONKEY-NECKED, SWAMP-SMELLIN’, PICKIN’-UP-RADIO-SIGNALS-ON-HIS-FILLIN’S, LEAKY DIAPER OF A DADDY–”

Vernon.

“–VERNON. AH WAS PROUD O’ MAH DADDY THAT DAY, AS HE DID NOT MENTION BOB DYLAN’S OBVIOUS JEWISHNESS.”

That was polite of Vernon.

“CHARLIE HODGE LOCKED HISSELF IN A BATHROOM, AS HE FEARED THE JEW.”

Wow.

“WHEN BORED, AH OFTEN CHASE CHARLIE HODGE AROUND WHILE SHOUTIN’ JEW’S COMIN’ FOR YA! THAT ALWAYS BREAKS TH’ BOYS UP, MAN!”

How did you and Bob get along?

“FAMOUSLY. HE BROUGHT WITH HIM A WELCOME GIFT. IT WAS A MASSIVE HAT. AH WORE IT, EVEN THOUGH AH’M NOT A HAT PERSON. TO HIM, AH PRESENTED A TAPE RECORDER COVERED IN PRECIOUS JEW’REY. MAINLY OPALS. THERE WAS A SHIT-LOAD O’ OPALS ON THAT SUMBITCH.”

And then?

“FO’R REASONS O’ COMPASSION AN’ INSURANCE PURPOSES, AH HAD DOCTOR NICK GIVE BOB DYLAN A FULL LOOKIN’-OVER.”

Heebie-jeebies?

“DOC SAID IT WAS TH’ SECOND-WORST CASE HE EVER SAW.”

I’m shocked.

“TH’ REST OF TH’ VISIT IS UNKNOWN TO ME, BUT WAS APPARENTLY QUITE PRODUCTIVE! WE RECORDED A DOZEN SONGS, MAN.”

What? You’re kidding. Where are the tapes?

“THEY OUT IN CALIFORNIA. SAFEST PLACE COULD EVER BE: A THEME PARK IN WILDFIRE COUNTRY. NO WORRIES ‘BOUT THEM TAPES.

Sigh.

“BAM! YOU HEALED. GET ON GOIN’, FREAKY.”

Who are you talking to?”

“SHE GONNA BUS’ OUTTA THEM BRACES LIKE KING KONG BURSTIN’ HIS CHAINS IN NEW YORK, MAN. WALK, FREAKY, WALK! ELVIS SAYS YOU C’N WALK!”

This got weird.

“THIS GOT MIRACULOUS! YOU CAN DO IT, FREAKY!”