“Remember the dinosaur that kills Newman in Jurassic Park? He had the neck frill thing?”

Yeah.

“Spat the goo?”

I remember. It’s a very good impression. Lemme ask you a question.

“Is it about my clothes?”

Oh, yeah.

“Great. Shoot.”

Are you the Douche Daddy or the Daddy Douche?

“Pardon?”

You are dressed like the quasi-popular rap tweens from the 90’s, Kris Kross. Your trousers are perfectly misaligned.

“My pants are not backwards.”

They totally are.

“No, the pockets are just attached to the leg instead of inside the seam.”

Right. Like on the back of pants. Where’s your zipper?

“In the back, but that’s because they’re Japanese.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“You know nothing about fashion, and you’re poor.”

Ow.

…

“You’re on with John.”

“John. You know who this is. You know what I can do.”

“Oh, goddammit.”

“Years ago, my cousin Ioan placed an order for Chinese food. The meal arrived both late and without the moo-shoo pork. For three months after, I clotheslined delivery boys off their bicycles. I had a mighty forearm, and it held rage within.”

“Liam, we don’t really know each other at all, do we?”

“We absolutely do. You’re teevee’s Mark-Paul Gosselaar.”

“Close enough.”

“Once, in the late 80’s, a Pakistani man beat me at pool, so I climbed into the homes of sleeping Pakistanis and crept upon their beds and made my shit proudly.”

“Liam–”

“I shat upon them!”

“–first of all: I want to know who gave you my number. Second: you need to stop talking about this stuff, at least to reporters. Trust me on this one: discussing race in public is a high-stakes game.”

“I have never met a Hindu I didn’t kick.”

“Jesus, man. Why?”

“They know what they did.”

“Okay, pal, I gotta go. At a photo shoot.”

“Don’t cross me, Gosselaar. If you insult me, I’ll hunt and beat douchebags for a month.”

“I’m not a douchebag.”

“Then why are you wearing your pants like that?”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

…

“Excuse me.”

Yes?

“Can I not be the straight man for the little ‘topic of the day’ skitches?”

I’ll take it under consideration.