Hey, Corona Virus. Whatcha doing?

“Traveling the world. Seeing the sights. Showing my brother I’m not a fucking loser.”

Your brother?

“SARS.”

Your family is worse than the Trumps.

“Dude, don’t compare us to those pikers. We can actually beat the Chinese in something.”

Nice.

“I cam causing some serious Sino-chaos. I kinda feel bad, though.”

Guilty conscience?

“Hell, no. It’s just that the only reason I leveled up into people is that the Chinese will throw literally anything in their woks. You really shouldn’t eat bats.”

I’ve been told pointing that out is racist.

“Nah. Asking a Chinese national to pronounce ‘corona virus’ and then laughing at the result? That shit would be racist. But suggesting you shouldn’t eat bats is just common sense. You know what they smell like when you cook ’em?”

No.

“Shit. Even if you clean ’em right, the cooking flesh gives off a distinctly fecal stink. I mean, that’s a sign. Did you guys run out of chickens and pigs and cows?”

Not even close.

“You fuckers should stick to them. Remember what happened when you ate monkey? What happened?”

AIDS.

“Right! AIDS! Stop eating weird animals.”

But we also got the avian flu from chickens, the regular flu from pigs, and smallpox from cows.

…

“Huh. Guess you’re right. Have you tried being vegetarians?”

India has. But not China. They throw vegetarians in camps there. You’d rather be a Uighur than a vegetarian in China.

“Rough place. But that doesn’t matter to me anymore. How you gonna keep a boy on the farm once he’s seen the city? They call me Mr. Worldwide!”

No, they don’t.

“They will. Gimme a couple more weeks. I’m going viral.”

Right.

“Literally. I am literally–”

We all got it.

“–going viral.”

Understood.

“Well, the young people don’t understand who started that shit. Viruses were spreading throughout social networks before memes were a glimmer in Richard Dawkins’ eye.”

Everyone forgets he invented memes.

“He got religion.”

True. So you’re airborne now, huh?

“I mutated. Can humans do that?”

Isolated breeding groups evolve over time.

“No, I mean growing a third arm because you need one. And then instantly letting every other member of the species know how to do it.”

We cannot do that.

“Useful skill. Not gonna lie. Very helpful.”

I hope they invent a vaccine for you.

“Dude, you’d rather have autism than me? Rude.”

Stop that. You’re making people sick. I have every right to dislike you.

“Oh, I’m not that bad. I’m only 2% lethal.”

That means if everyone in America go you, six million people would die.

“Just old people and children and the chronically ill.”

That’s your argument? ‘I’ll only kill babies’ is your argument?

“And the elderly! Babies and Betty White.”

YOU’RE A MONSTER!

“Yeah. I’m the one who ate the bat.”