One morning, the king was bathing in the river. It had rained well in the days previous, and so the flow of the water was mighty. The king was carried off in the current. His courtiers dove in to save him, but they could not. Some drowned.
A poor man–let’s call him Ron–swam to the king, grabbed him, tucked him under his motile arm, brought him back to shore, deposited him on the banks. Many saw the rescue, and so the king was forced to reward Ron.
“Do you,” Ron asked, “play chess?”
“I dabble,” answered the king, and Ron felt a deep revulsion in his stomach and also gall bladder.
“Wonderful. Your Highness: today, I would you to place one grain of rice on the first square. That will be my reward for saving your life.”
The king agreed.
“And then tomorrow, you shall place two grains of rice on the second square.”
The king was copacetic.
“The day after that, four grains. Each day doubles the amount of rice. That’s the equation here. Can you live with that?”
And the king, who was never very good at math, agreed.
Ron knew what most half-clever ninth-graders know, which is that exponential growth curb-stomps linear growth over even the shortest of long runs. This is what it looks like:
That familiar hockey stick configuration. See how each day is greater than the day before? That is sub-optimal. One would prefer a different readout. These statistics are not in our favor, and someone should pay to have them changed. The billionaires are in charge of the truth these days, so let them change this one. Make it Gaussian! the billionaires cry. Gimme a bell on that curve, they sing. Nope. Hockey stick.
Chinese had ’em, thousands of years ago. Swept through. No one knew what to do with the dead. The Greeks, and then the Romans. Poor Justinian. The New World, too. Those liberal professors’ll have you believe that the the white man brought disease to the hemisphere, but it was already here among the Aztecs. Polio. Remember polio? You don’t, and thank The Lord and his angel Dr. Salk for that. The history of humanity is the history of virality.
There is a new Dylan song, which was not available during the 1919-20 Spanish flu outbreak. Hosannas for that, at least. Progress is such a balm.
2500 dead on April 1st, 5000 on the 4th, and 10,000 on the 7th, and then the numbers keep going. They are terrible numbers, and someone you know is one of the digits. I am sorry to tell you that. I am sorry to hear that, too. The virus got in early, and our leaders were schmucks, and now it’s just a question of where the peak shall be.
Protect my mother, O Lord, from whom you took my father. You owe the woman that, Lord. Cup your hands around Nephew on the Dead, as well, Lord. He’s not hurt anyone, not even a little
Well,
That did not make me laugh… not a little.
Well written though, just like the funny ones are.
Best of luck to you and yours ToTD..
Indeed. Everyone stay safe & healthy. Help out when you can. Be kind.
Thank you
.
https://twitter.com/viveksubbiah/status/1243372739701989376?s=21
You have made so many days brighter and funnier and smarter for so many people for so long.
Thank you!!!
Here’s wishing you and yours all good health and safety and comfort though tough and scary times . . .
I first arrived here, a few years back, in search of wacky stories about my favorite choogly-type band. I’ve come back pretty much every day since b/c this site is one of the absolute best sources of tremendous writing, inspired satire, and heartfelt intelligence I’ve ever encountered. Thank you for all you do, and may the fates protect you & those you hold dear.
if it wasn’t such a travesty and serious, deadly ordeal, the nightly pressers basketball head and crew are holding could rival anything Mel Brooks ever did. as for totd, you are a true Mensch. but i digress. MK
Your point is correct, but you used the wrong graph. This graph shows the cumulative number of cases in the US, so it can never go down. When the pandemic is over, it will level off. You need a graph of new cases, which will have the same exponential shape now, but (we hope) will eventually turn back down when we get the virus under control.
Besides working with the World Health Organization in the effort to end smallpox, Brilliant, who is now 75, has fought flu, polio, and blindness; once led Google’s nonprofit wing, Google.org; co-founded the conferencing system the Well; and has traveled with the Grateful Dead.
https://www.wired.com/story/coronavirus-interview-larry-brilliant-smallpox-epidemiologist/