“Okay, let’s practice this again. I’m going to play a reporter for the New York Times.”
“Can I be Batman?”
“What?”
“Are we not playing make-believe?”
“No, Junior. This is all very serious.”
“Oh, okay.”
“So. We’re going to pretend that I’m a reporter, and you are you.”
“I don’t have to pretend to be me.”
“Great. So. Are you paying attention?”
“This is a nice office.”
“Junior!”
“Don’t hit me, Dad! Oh, sorry. I just do that. Okay. What are we doing?”
“I’m a reporter.”
“Oh, hi! I met with the Russians!”
“NO! Goddammit, Junior.”
INTERCOM TURNING-ON NOISE
“Mrs. Woods–”
“I’m not bringing you your pistol, and that’s it.”
“Fuck you, too, Mrs. Woods.”
INTERCOM TURNING-OFF NOISE
“Okay, let’s try again. We’re going to pretend that I am a reporter.”
“Ha ha, you’re poor.”
“Right, great. Now: I call you on the phone.”
“Do I pick up?”
“You’d have to for this scenario to progress.”
…
“I can make my hands look like a duck.”
“Junior, concentrate.”
“I am! You think making a duck is easy?”
“Pick up your phone and pretend I’m calling you!”
“Bukka-dooka-dukka-dooka.”
…
“Bukka-dooka-dukka-dooka.”
“Are you making the iPhone noise, Junior?”
“Yeah, did you hear how good I do it?”
“Answer the phone.”
“Hellooooo?”
“Hi, Junior. My name is–”
“Oh, nooooo. My name is Mrs. Secretary. I’m a laaaaaady.”
“Is Junior there?’
“Let me check. Oh, Donald JUUUUUUUnior! Donald JUUUUUUnior!”
…
“He might be in the bathroom.”
“ANSWER THE PHONE, JUNIOR!”
“You’re on with Don.”
“Great. Okay. So. I am a reporter.”
“What’s your name?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Tell that to the guy who monograms your shirts.”
“Jenkins. My name is Reporter Jenkins–”
“That’s my lawyer’s name!”
“–and I am calling to ask about your meeting with Russia.”
“Which one?”
“Holy SHIT, is that the wrong answer.”
“There were a lot. Dinners, too.”
INTERCOM TURNING-ON NOISE
“Mrs. Woods, I want you to type up my resignation letter.”
“And I want you to leave your wife and marry me. Live with disappointment.”
“Timing, woman!”
INTERCOM TURNING-OFF NOISE
“Who is that on the intercom? Is it the Russians? They’re great.”
“Junior, you need to listen to me carefully. You must stop speaking to anyone. You must make no statements at all to anyone.”
“I have to ask again–”
“Yes, you can order from waiters.”
“–what about wait…okay, good. I love restaurants.”
“Yeah? That’s great. Which one’s your favorite?”
“Russian Tea Room.”
“We’re going to need to double the retainer.”
“Okay.”
“In fact, why don’t you just leave us your credit card?”
“Here’s my wallet. Just pick one.”
“Wonderful.”
The New York Daily News cover encapsulates this moment perfectly