Hello, Dolly

In an interview with BBC News, the 14th Dalai Lama expressed controversial views on a female successor, while speaking on topics that range from President Trump to Brexit.

The Tibetan religious leader told BBC’s South Asian correspondent Rajini Vaidyanathan that “if female Dalai Lama comes, then she should be more attractive,” otherwise, “people, I think prefer, not see her, that face.”

Vaidyanathan questioned the basis of his comments and asked, “It’s about who we are inside, isn’t it?” The Dalai Lama replied, “Yes, I think both.”

These statements are a reiteration of his past comments back in a 2015 interview with BBC journalist Clive Myrie, stating that a prerequisite for a female Dalai Lama would be physical appeal, or else she would be of “not much use.” – Buzzfeed News, 6/28/19

“Your Holiness, thank you for speaking with me today.”

“You’re an everyday treat for me, Katy. Get up nine hours before dawn, don’t drink any coffee, meditate, hang out with Richard Gere, watch Katy Tur Live. I am a fan.”

“Wow. That’s incredible. I’m honored. Blown away.”

“You should always wear the glasses. The glasses kill me. They’re my thing.”

“Okay. Your Holiness, recently you’ve made comments suggesting that the next Dalai could be a woman, as long as she was beautiful.”

“Yuh-huh.”

“What did you mean by that?”

“Beautiful? You know: good face, plump where she should be, legs without a lot of weird pockmarks and divots. A fox.”

“A fox?”

“Absolutely. You can’t have an uggo as Dalai Lama. It’s in the rules.”

“There are rules?”

“Oh, yeah. Tons of ’em. Cant do PCP: that’s a rule. Not allowed to ride in the same helicopter as the Panchen Lama: that’s another rule. And if you’re a Dolly Lama, you’ve gotta be smoking.”

“Dolly Lama?”

“That is the proper spelling for a female Dalai Lama.”

“You’re making all of this up.”

“Oh, no. All in the rules.”

“May I see these rules?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“They’re in Tibetan.”

“Your Holiness, I simply don’t understand what someone’s physical appearance has to do with their ability to fulfill a spiritual role.”

“Oh, c’mon, Katy. No one wants to sit through a sermon from a Two. You wanna bring in the followers, you need at least an Eight. At least. And she needs to be an Eight with a gimmick, like mammoth cans or something. Maybe a wonky eye, but it looks cute on her. Listen, I’ve talked to Tibetans. I’m out there on the streets reading the temperature of the crowd. And they just won’t accept a Dolly Lama who doesn’t make you pop a chubby. Maybe a semi.”

“I’m shocked by these comments.”

“Y’know who’d be great is that Margot Robbie chick. God, she’s so fucking hot. I wanna stick a straw up her ass and suck out her hot doody. She’s so hot I wanna throw her out of a plane.”

“Your Holiness.”

“Or Rhianna. Rhianna could totally be Dolly Lama. Shit, she’s hot. I wanna do to her face what Chris Brown did, but with my dick.”

“Your Holiness!”

“God hates ugly chicks, Katy. That is one of the core tenets of Buddhism.”

“It most certainly is not.”

“Core tenet”

“You’re terrible.”

“Oh, yeah. You’ve never read about me? I’m the worst.”