Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Kreutzmann, Kreutzboyy, Kreutzbabyy

“Gimme!”

“Dad, I’m gonna hold her.”

“Gimme the baby!”

“Absolutely not, Dad. First of all, you’ve been drinking.”

“Hey, I’ve always been drinking.”

“And second: you teach her weird things.”

“I do not?”

“No? Then where did she learn the phrase ‘moneygrubbing Jews’ from?’

“Probably her mother. What’s her name again? Alpharetta?”

“That’s a town in Georgia.”

“Thor Two: The Dark World?”

“You think my wife’s name is Thor Two: The Dark World?”

“I’m just free associating at this point, Justy. Oh, shit! Cameras! Should I be hard?”

“Dad! This is an interview.”

“Yeah, I know how it works. You ask me a few questions, then the pizza shows up. Are you gonna be all right tag-teaming skank with your pop? Cuz I’m fine with it as long as our dicks don’t touch.”

“I literally have a baby on my lap.”

“She should go in the other room. You know, PC culture and all.”

“Can we please just do the interview?”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Yeah, but lemme take this first. It might be skank.”

“Cmon, Dad.”

“This is Billy, is this a filly?”

“Kinda. You’re definitely getting some right now.”

“This voice sounds familiar.”

“It’s me, you.”

“Hey! How you doing, you handsome motherfucker!?”

“Gay as shit.”

“Nah, I like innies. Oh, wait.”

“Remember? When we go forwards through time, we turn gay.”

“Right.”

“Dad, what the hell is going on?”

“Justy, you remember how I have access to a Time Sheath?”

“A what?”

“And, well, goofiest thing: when I go forwards? I go all nancy. Like the Hulk, but instead of turning into a giant green guy, I fuck dudes.”

“What?”

“Hey! 80’s me! Let’s do this.”

“Nice! Wait, is it possible that touching will unravel the universe?”

“Big possibility. It might even be a probability.”

“Fuck it, I’m horned up.”

“I want me inside me.”

SHVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

pop

“Hello?”

Justin?

“Something happened.”

Are you in an eternal void, a place without time or form?

“Yes.”

Okay, they unraveled the universe. I will put this back together, I promise.

“I didn’t ask to be a part of this.”

Me, either. But here we are and I can’t reconstruct reality if you’re going to be distracting.

“This is my fault now?”

Yes.

“How?”

Well, it’s not like I’m gonna accept the blame.

“Fix this.”

Hold your horses, Justy.

“Don’t call me that.”

1 Comment

  1. Cbrown

    Wow. A literal “go fuck yourself” Billy.

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