- Jeb Bush. (“Sad. Known him for many years. Beat him at golf. Sad man.”)
- Hillary Clinton. (“Not a person to trust. Disgusting. Never easy on the eyes. That voice.”)
- Bill Clinton. (“Probably a rapist. Known him for many years. Beat him at golf. Rape.”)
- Tom Brady. (“Good friend. Played catch once, and I could throw the ball farther. Gotta be honest. Wife is a 10.”)
- Arbor Day. (“Loser holiday. Trees? Trees are great. I got the best trees at Mar-A-Lago. Their own holiday? C’mon.”)
- Gilligan. (“Captain should’ve tossed him in the lagoon. Thurston Howell III: good man.”)
- Second Amendment. (“There’s your amendment. That’s the one you need. All the others? Pssh. Gimme the Second.”)
- Eddie Murphy. (“A talent. Been my guest at a number of properties. He’s a great. He’s fat, he’s not. One of the greats.”)
- Ted Cruz. (“Nasty person. Bad face. Just a terrible face. Don’t know where he was born. He says Canada. Could be. Could be Teheran. Who knows?”)
- Birthday Cake. (“Kid just spit all over it. Not for me.”)
- Hardwood Floors. (“Classiest flooring available. In all my properties. Only wood harder than my floors is in my pants. I still get powerful and natural erections. Many people have complimented me on my erections.”)
- Ronald Reagan. (“Powerful influence in my life. Our greatest president. Many people have told me I resemble him.”)
- The Double Reverse. (“Underrated play. Adds starpower and excitement to a game. Many people have called me a human double-reverse.”)
- Millard Fillmore. (“Lousy name. Not presidential. What’d he do? Loser.”)
- Civil War. (“Stupid war. Goal of a war is to kill foreigners. Boring mini-series.”)
- Kaley Cuoco. (“Great body. Face is good from some angles, not from others. Very odd.”)
- Marco Rubio. (“I don’t speak Spanish. You speak Spanish? No? Okay. Marco Rubio speaks Spanish.”)
- Cape Buffalo. (“A very aggressive buffalo. Wouldn’t want to sit at the negotiating table with one. My son shot a few.”)
- Drag Coefficient of a Plymouth Superbird. (“0.28. Good number. I have owned cars with much better, but that’s good.”)
- Panda Bear. (“I’m sick of handouts. Panda doesn’t want to help itself. Panda’s got a belly made for meat and all day long with the bamboo. Dumb.”)
- Grizzly Bear. (“That’s the kind of bear I’m talking about. Great bear. World-class bear. Doesn’t need government regulations. American bear. My son shot a few.”)
- Lindsay Lohan. (“Sad. Little girl lost. Bad parents. Great body. Really great body. Sad.”)
- Climate Change. (“Change to what? Nobody can answer that. Change to what? Maybe something good.”)
- Barack Obama. (“Worst president of any country ever. Not just America. The crappy countries. Probably born in Agrabah. Total disaster.”)
- Jesus Christ. (“Christianity? Best religion. Hands down. Jewish is okay. Christianity? That’s the one.”)
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
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