Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

My Angel Is A Centerfold

Is that James Toback’s skinny brother?

“I don’t know.”

Has he asked you to let him jerk off on you?

“No.”

Probably no relation, then. That sort of thing runs in families.

“Uh-huh.”

I can almost smell you wanting to talk about your clothes.

“Oh, thanks for asking. God, I wish you could see my shoes.”

Ironically, I am thanking God that I cannot.

“Each sock was made by a separate artisan. One just does left socks, and the other only sews right socks. The specialism at that level is amazing.”

Truly.

“The pant is a Gordon Gartrell piece.”

Oh, is he still designing?

“Just small batch stuff. He keeps his hand in, and we’re all better for it. But you know what the piece de resistance is, right?”

The toppermost?

“Ha! I knew you would think that! This is not a toppermost. See how it only goes to the waist? It’s a toppermore”

Ah. Still made in Japan?

“Of course. This one was handcrafted by Wasabi Godzilla–”

Not an actual Japanese name.

“–on the sacred slopes of Mount Tempura–”

Not a real mountain.

“–using the famed Needle of Nakamura.”

That was the building from Die Hard. John, I think someone is pulling the incredibly expensive, sumptuously soft wool over your eyes.

“Oh, no. I do my research.”

Like with the watches?

“Better than that. I got a guy who does my research for me now. Trust me, this is a genuine toppermore.”

Okee dokee.

KUH-CHICK

“What was that?”

Dunno.

KUH-CHICK

“Take your fucking pants off!”

“That sounds like Billy from 40 years ago.”

“Hey, it’s Billy from 40 years ago! Take your pants off and lemme get a good snap of your nuts.”

“What? No. What? Billy, where did this come from?”

“When I travel forwards in time, I turn gay.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story. Guy from Stanford told me it was called TTH: Temporary Temporal Homosexuality. Doesn’t happen when I go backwards, though. Weird fucking world. Anyway, show me your dick.”

“No! Billy, knock this off.”

“Whip it out, Twink Martindale.”

“Billy, I am not going to…did you call me a twink?”

“I did. You look so young.”

“Well, I guess I could take the shirt off.”

“That’s a boy.”

2 Comments

  1. Tor Haxson

    I love Josh so I hate to say this, but his Big Douche Energy is off the charts.

  2. Smoke

    “handcrafted by Wasabi Godzilla”
    “Mount Tempura”
    “Needle of Nakamura.”
    I believe you have found a way to squeeze the last joke out of what, under almost any other context, could have been culturally insensitive.

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