Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Saluting America.”

Cool.

“Even more than usual, I mean. I, uh, consider all my actions to be in honor of America. For example, this morning I combed my hair for America.”

The coif looks controlled.

“I do have many question, though.”

Shoot.

“Well, I’m singing the anthem for a Nascar race, right?”

Yes.

“How are they gonna keep those cars six feet from each other? I’ve watched those races on the teevee. Awful lot of tailgating involved.”

It’s a virtual race, Bobby. The drivers are all at home using high-tech simulators.

“So, they assemble to race on the information superhighway?”

Yeah, kinda.

“Huh. Do the cars have any sort of weaponry?”

It’s not Mario Kart. The cars supposedly obey the laws of physics.

“At any point, does a cartoon amphibian try to cross the ride while the race is running?”

You’re talking about Frogger, Bobby. That’s not what this is.

“Okay, sure. Let me just ask you one final question regarding Pac-Men.”

There are no Pac-Men at all.

“That’s a mistake, in my opinion. Those boys would drive a lot faster with a Pac-Man behind ’em.”

I can’t argue with that, honestly.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I gotta take this. I’m expecting a call to sing Take Me Out To The Ball Game at an online Fortnite tournament.”

You know what Fortnite is?

“No, but I’m bored.”

Okay.

…

“Weir here.”

“Bobby Grateful! Have job for you.”

“I’ll do it.”

“Putin nyet say vhat job is yet.”

“Don’t care. This is, uh, the longest I’ve been off the road since 1975. Getting a bit stir-crazy here.”

“No man should have lunch vith his vife.”

“Y’know, if were in public, I’d probably have to disagree with you, but between you and me? 100%.”

“Bobby Grateful happy in marriage?”

“Please don’t have Natasha Monster assassinated.”

“If Bobby Grateful vant, Putin do.”

“It’s a big ‘nyet’ from me, Vlad. So, uh, what’s the job?”

“You vill write new songs for Joe Exotic. Putin is bringing him to Moscow to open glorious people’s zoo. Needs theme music. Putin figures ve need big sing-along anthem, dance-floor banger, and veepy ballad.”

“Gotcha, gotcha. Now, I gotta ask: should the songs be about tigers?”

“Vhat you think?”

“Just asking.”

“Of course songs about tigers. Joe Exotic is Tiger King. Tiger King can nyet change stripes.”

“All right, then. Second question: What rhymes with ‘tiger?'”

“Putin is nyet poet.”

“I can look it up on the internet, if I don’t get run over by a racecar.”

“Vhat?”

“Hey, uh, Pooty: any money in this gig?”

“Da. So much.”

“I’m in.”

“This makes Putin happy. Vill cheer up Russian people after terrible year.”

“Corona, huh?”

“Nyet. Every year is terrible for Russians. Corona nyet in Russia.”

“Uh-huh. So the hazmat suit is for what?”

“Shits and giggles.”

“Gotcha.”