Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Never Meet Your Heroes


“Stop that.”

Who said that? I see only a set of legs in a pair of ludicrous trousers and overpriced trotters.

“We get it. The jacket’s camouflage.”

See what I did?


Although see ing as how you’re in the Hollywood Hills, wouldn’t it be better camouflage if your coat had a picture of Laura Dern’s house on it?

“She lives right up the street.”

Under-appreciated talent.

“Banged her.”

Nice. So that’s the Nomad 3L from Visvim, right?

“Oh my God, yes! I never thought you’d start showing some interest in my–”


“–collection of…you’re a prick.”


“Is it Nixon?”


“Kim Jung-Un?”


“Am I gonna enjoy this conversation?”

Maybe at first.


“You’re on with J–”

“Baby sweetie honey this is your old friend and confidant Diamond DAAAAAAAVE comin’ atcha live and in person dispersin’ ALLLLLL the hits and good-time groovinary hijinks and grabass that you’ve come to demand from the brand. David Lee Roth: Accept no substitutes, especially if they’re named Sammy Hagar, HAHAHAHAHA!”

“Man, I wish you called me when I was 16. I don’t know if 45-year-old me has enough energy for you.”

“Want some coke?”

“No, I–”

“You got any? I got some, but some turns into none real fast when Diamond Dave’s in the house.”

“No coke.”

“More for DAAAAAVE!”

“Do you always refer to yourself in the third person?”

“Little trick Ricky Henderson taught me! Now, Joshy Boy, you strap on a chair and tell your ol’ Uncle Dave what’s happening with the computers. I was on a visionquest with two Mayan rock climbers I know from Piscataway and Miss March 1984 when I was informed the computers were talking about me.”

“Quick question: Do you know what Twitter is?”

“Sure, that’s what the guys in AC/DC call cocaine.”

“I’m not even gonna try to explain social media to you. What happened was that a 17-year-old didn’t know who you were.”


“A young woman.”

“How the yobbos?”

“She’s 17.”

“Yeah, I gotta get in there quick before she wears out.”

“I’m not discussing this any more. What’s with the Confederate flags?”

“It’s a party, man.”

“Not when I am.”

“When are you?”

“The future.”

“Well, shit. Can’t fuck teenagers, can’t fly the Rebel flag. Future sounds like it’s full of pussies.”

“Yes and no.”

1 Comment

  1. wrayven

    In that outfit, DLR looks like Gary Rossington’s cousin

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