Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

No Head, No Backstage Pass

This is the worst kickoff to a presidential campaign I’ve ever seen.

My dad used to say that America didn’t elect Senators. My dad used to say a lot of bullshit. Ten seconds of research shows that 16 Senators have become President, and that’s almost exactly a third. Obama, Kennedy, and Harding went straight from the Capitol to the White House. Well, not straight there: Obama stopped at his mosque to pray, Kennedy stopped for a blowjob, and Harding stopped for [INSERT WARREN HARDING JOKE HERE].

So: could Al Franken be the next President of the United States? He is Jewish, which does not help, and he is not even the right kind of Jewish for Middle America, which is non-religious. The yokels have not met many Jews, you see, and do not know much about Judaism except that bacon is not on the menu and Saturdays are for the Sabbath. (Middle America has heard the word Sabbath.) Jews are supposed to keep things. Jews keep kosher; Jews keep the Sabbath, Jews keep getting expelled from countries and/or massacred. Jews keep.

But a Jew who doesn’t do any of that? A secular Jew? Nah, not in Peoria. Only thing worse than being a different religion is not having one. However–and I’m sure you’ve already intuited this–it is certainly possible to be too Jewish, both in a religious and a cultural way. Hasidic isn’t getting the nomination, and neither is Ed Koch. I hate to give him any credit, but Joe Lieberman threaded the needle perfectly. Didn’t wear a yarmulke, but made a big deal about going to temple every week.

TotD, you’re saying, we already elected a black guy and a rusted bucket of racist diarrhea: why not a Jew?

And I would answer, We also elected a woman, but the Electoral College didn’t agree.

To which you would reply, That’s the system; why should California get to decide for the whole country?

I would say, Because that’s where all the fucking people live.

And you would say, This is why Trump won and there’s no Russia.

Can you stop this?

The imagined conversation or the whole post?

Either would be fine with me.

John Mayer picked that bandana out special to meet the Senator.

He totally did.


  1. I cannot be the only one who noticed that Billy was allowed nowhere near any figure of political significance.

  2. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    June 27, 2017 at 12:04 pm

    Maybe Bill did not want to go?

  3. Buck Mulligan

    June 27, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    The distinguished senator brought a whole case of Giant of the Senate backstage. Now that’s how you promote a book.

  4. Luther Von Baconson

    June 27, 2017 at 1:41 pm

    Josh has the anti-potato salad, and Mickey looks like he’s wearing a Jill….or a onesie. They’re messing with your head, man.

  5. Franken is no dummy. Mayer helps him if he runs for President, Hart and Weir don’t hurt, but if he gets too close to Kreutzmann his campaign is sunk

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