Hey, Amir Bar-Lev, director of the award-winning documentary Long Strange Trip, still available free to Amazon Prime members. Whatcha doing?
“Talking about titties.”
Cool, cool. How do you get anatomy that wrong, though?
“No, the drawing is correct. People were fucked-up looking back then.”
I don’t know about that.
“Hey. Which one of us has a doctorate in Art History?”
Neither of us.
“No? Then my wife is right: I did steal that diploma.”
You okay, buddy?
“It was a rough weekend. I came down here to North Carolina to speak at the scholar’s conference.”
I know. I was not invited.
“Your non-invitation was noted, and generally approved. Everyone was happy you weren’t here. People toasted to it.”
Wow.
“Jarnow stood up for you.”
Yeah?
“Not out loud. Like, he didn’t say anything, but he seemed mildly uncomfortable with the topic.”
I’ll take it. What made it a rough weekend? You and a bunch of well-lettered Enthusiasts get up to some folderol?
“I was abducted by aliens.”
Oh, c’mon, man. You’re one of the sane ones. Don’t go screwy.
“I didn’t believe in extraterrestrials, either. I believe what I can see: you can’t spell ‘materialist’ without ‘Amir.’ But I was plucked from a Days Inn parking lot and interfered with by xenological creatures.”
Interfered with?
“They touched my johnson.”
Are you sure someone didn’t dose you?
“I dosed myself! Accuse me of being a liar, or accuse me of not being able to handle my acid, but not both.”
I apologize.
“You gotta dose for the symposium, man. A bunch of us had walked down to this little college bar and had some drinks there, and then I got separated from everyone coming back. I was lost in the Days Inn parking lot, so I pissed on the nearest Toyota.”
Why?
“My Uncle Avi always told me, Amir, if you’re lost in a parking lot–no matter what hotel it belongs to–piss on a Toyota. Don’t worry about the model. And, you know, Avi was a helicopter pilot in the IDF, so you have to listen to him about matters of survival.”
So you pissed on the Toyota.
“When from overhead, I was struck with a crushing light. Very powerful light. Like if you taped a million flashlights to the sun. Very bright.”
Gotcha. What’d you do then?
“I emptied my .45 into it.”
What? Why did you have a gun?
“It was issued to me upon crossing the border into North Carolina.”
Sure.
“Dude, you should’ve seen me: I was shooting straight up and yelling. I looked so cool. Like John Wick.”
Did it help?
“No. Was suctioned into the ship immediately after I ran out of bullets. And on the way up, the beam shook me so hard that my wallet fell out of my pants. The aliens told me later that they did that on purpose because of the shooting.”
Can’t fault them for it.
“Nah.”
What were they like?
“Into buttplay.”
That’s true, huh?
“Oh, yeah. Not a stereotype, just a fact. They’re gonna tinker with your stinker. There’s an interview, but I got the feeling they did it just to maintain a facade of respectability.”
Reacharound?
“There was a device for it, so there was technically no reaching, but: yes.”
So the night wasn’t a complete waste.
“Don’t joke.”
I’m sorry. Are you okay?
“I’ll recover. But I’m not coming back to North Carolina ever again.”
Good decision.
Fuck those clowns, I am starting the first scholarly conference on ToTD.
Perhaps you have read my paper.
Title:
“without research” is the new research:
Towards a new scientific and literary method.
Abstract:
Research has become Fake Research, we only have to look at the Vaccine/Autism and Cold fusion topics to ascertain that Research is no longer getting us anywhere.
ToTD has pioneered researchless research as a quicker way to get to the truth. Just like Box Back Nitties allow quicker access to the Bore Hog Eye, Lack of Research exposes the truth faster than traditional methods.
Additionally Research obfuscates while Lack of Research illuminates. I only have to point out how Corey’s research finds shows that had not been documented, yet the documents about the shows refuse to add this information. What then shall we doo with researches smelly corpse? Lack of Research has shown itself to be a viable option and this paper discusses that fact.