• The Three Stooges will be dug up, told they’re not funny, and reburied in shittier graves.
  • All wine is now white.
  • Fashion houses that make dresses without pockets get burned down.
  • Lesbians are chic again.
  • The classic teevee show Manimal will have its title digitally corrected to Personimal.
  • Literally anyone–and I mean anyone–can start a podcast about the Grateful Dead without asking the most qualified human being in the world to be a part of it.
  • Those caught not pretending to care about the WNBA will be given the harshest punishment there is: forced viewing of a WNBA game.
  • Mrs. Donna Jean retroactively invited to participate in the Farewell Shoes.
  • All citizens issued 5-8 cats.
  • Death and rape threats issued to women daring to have opinions in public reduced by 30% by the year 2040.
  • Bill Maher taken outside and beaten every single fucking day until the sun swallows us all.
  • Anyone seen rolling their eyes at the “Boy bands aren’t respected because their fans are teen girls” argument will have their eyes confiscated.
  • Four words: Little Women Cinematic Universe.
  • New song written about Stacy’s Mom in which she is lauded for her strength in keeping her family together after Stacy’s Dad left, instead of how fuckable she managed to remain at age 38.
  • Gynecologists with cold hands get knocked the fuck out.