BRADS PITT The Brads Pitt among us are excused from covering up their peachy punims in any way, as it would be a shonda. I am here using “Brad Pitt” as a synecdoche for the stupidly beautiful, and also pluralizing his name in a semi-humorous fashion.
TODDLERS You can’t even get those goofy little bastards to wear pants half the time, so trying to keep their masks on is just an exercise in futility. Nephew on the Dead won’t even allow a hat on his head without flinging it, hard, at one of his parents within seconds; he ain’t masking up. Just keep the tykes inside as much as possible and keep washing ’em down. (WARNING: Spitting on your fingers and scraping their face half-off is NOT RECOMMENDED during the Covid pandemic. Plus, kids hate that shit, man. Don’t do that to them.)
THE FACELESS Don’t have a face, don’t have to wear a mask. That’s just math.
PEOPLE WITH BREATHING PROBLEMS Although if you have an underlying respiratory ailment so severe that a piece of cloth with the thickness of a cheap tee-shirt can inhibit your breathing, you probably shouldn’t be going out at all right now, huh?
SHAMPOO-HEADS There are approximately 100,000 Americans who, through either science or magick, have had their entire heads replaced with an equivalent mass of shampoo, specifically Suave Tropical Coconut. They are exempt from facial-covering regulations because how would that even work, man? How you gonna put a mask on a skull-shaped blob of shampoo? Can’t be done, muchacho!
TORTOISES Tortoises aren’t people, guy. Says right in the title that we’re discussing people.
DEAD ZEBRAS Well, fucking obviously. Dead zebras are dead, and they’re zebras. Two reasons why they’re exempt, guy
BURGER EXPRESS Guy! Are you talking about the burger joint that Mother on the Dead used to take Brother on the Dead and me when we were kids? The train-themed place? It closed in 1988, guy. And it was a restaurant. Didn’t need a mask. No respiratory processes.
BOOF Are you talking about shoving drugs up your butthole, or the girl-next-door character from Teen Wolf?
BOOF Answer the question, guy.
BOOF I DON’T LIKE YOUR TONE, GUY!
We’ll finish up here, huh?
That bold asshole is no good. Not a team player.
He does seem to have his own agenda.
There’s gonna be some new rules around here very soon.
Good to hear, guy.