- Rudy in a fake mustache.
- Ficus, randomly selected.
- Ficus, chosen for looks and a positive attitude.
- Cellino or Barnes, whichever one didn’t die in a plane crash.
- My Cousin Skinny, Staten Island’s third-best My Cousin Vinny impersonator who also teaches kids about making healthy food choices.
- Literally whoever picks up the phone; I’m gonna dial numbers at random until someone picks up, and that person is gonna be lead counsel for the President of the United States in his (second) impeachment trial.
- Jared.
- The cyber.
- Cyber-Jared. (Tucked away in the Space Force budget was a line item for “Robot: Awesome” and $14 billion later, Cyber-Jared has killed 21 bus drivers. Luckily, President Biden has issued an Executive Order demanding that Cyber-Jared “cut the crap, roll up his sleeves, and get to work.” That should do it.)
- Mr. Jiggs.
- Cocaine Mitch’s Chinawife.
- The Mooch. (Please, God. You’ve taken so much from me this year, and I ask so little in return. Please let The Mooch represent Basketball Head at the Impeachment. Please let The Mooch put the whole system on trial. Give me this one, O Lord.)
- The rotting corpse of that cop who got beaten to death.
- Something that needs to be summoned via cursed puzzle box.
- Zombie William Jennings Bryan.
- A large man, possibly named Phil, who responds to the accusations by hucking empty Coke bottles at Pat Leahy.
- Fuck it, let Junior do it.
Inherit The Tracy
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8YUnOHihAU0
“…and they are more hungry than ever!”
Apparently, fuckstick has claimed that his innocence is so obvious he could represent himself. I cannot tell you how much I want to see that.
“Rudy in a fake mustache.”
Plus top-hat and monocle. Time to make top-hats and monocles great again.