- I already hate this.
- Fuck you, Stephen Haydn.
- I know that’s not his name; I did that shit deliberately.
- Not linking to your books or anything, you cockknocker.
- WHY KNOCK COCKS, STAPH HOTDOG?
- Cocks are not for knocking.
- They are for loving manipulation, or jamming into gooey places, or showing to waitresses.
- Don’t knock the cock.
- Knock.
- The cock.
- Don’t knock the cock.
- Remember that song?
- That shit was my jam.
- Stefan Humperdink probably wrote a negative review of it.
- Probably dashed that shit off in ten minutes just so he could get back to knocking cocks.
- DAMN YOU, SLAVIC HALITOSIS!
- Fucking Joker, man.
- I did not see this movie on purpose.
- Lot of movies I miss accidentally, or will eventually see.
- Haven’t seen Parasite yet, but it wasn’t a decision.
- I’ve just been busy with the Under Siege flicks, and rewatching the entire Coen Brothers’ oeuvre.
- “Oeuvre” is a word I do not know how to spell OR pronounce.
- I think it’s “oooooooooooov” and then a phlegmy sound.
- French is far phlegmier than it’s given credit for.
- Are you gonna write about the movie at all?
- NOT IF I CAN FUCKIN’ AVOID IT, MUCHACHO!
- Jesus, that’s the title card?
- I wanna die.
- Can I take Joker with me?
- Like a murder-suicide?
- Y’know how “black don’t crack?”
- Joaquin Phoenix is the opposite of a black guy.
- You can watch the fucker age in front of your eyes.
- And I don’t wanna keep typing “Joaquin.”
- I’m gonna call him “Leaf.”
- His momma named him Leaf, I’m gonna call him Leaf.
- Oh, look: a crazy-person notebook.
- Some poor production assistant had to do all that scribbling for five seconds of screen time.
- Y’know what: Defund Hollywood.
- And now he’s staring out a bus window.
- How meaningful.
- Life is passing him by.
- And he’s poor.
- Christ, I don’t care about the Joker’s backstory.
- He shouldn’t even have one.
- He just shows up every couple years, kills a neighborhood or two, Batman punches him, and it’s back to Arkham Asylum.
- Which might be a concept.
- Arkham Asylum surely can’t be a building, because you can keep people in buildings.
- Deadbolt on the door, maybe an armed guard or two: easy-peasy.
- Blah blah blah King of Comedy blah blah blah Scorsese.
- Holy fuck, who allowed Robert De Niro to tell jokes?
- He cannot.
- Robert De Niro mumbles, grimaces, and he used to pretend-beat guys pretty good.
- But he didn’t do light comedy.
- Harrison Ford, Tom Cruise, Bobby D: not naturally hilarious.
- A director can wring a laugh or two from them via a well-timed reaction shot, but these are not “joke” guys.
- Joker works as a clown or something, and holds up a sign advertising something, and he got beat up or something, and Christ I don’t care.
- Y’know what I wanna know about the Joker?
- “Some men just wanna watch the world burn.”
- PER-FUCKING-FECT.
- Walk away!
- It’s finished!
- It turns out that there actually is no good explanation as to why a man dresses up like Bozo and stabs people.
- And don’t gimme any of that “The whole movie takes place in his mind” shit, either.
- The movie’s taking place on my teevee.
- Hey, Zazie Beatz!
- I love you and your hair.
- Now the Joker is washing his mother.
- This is America,
- A billion fucking dollars.
- Feeble-minded saps and macho steakheads paid a billion fucking dollars to watch Stabby the Clown wash his aged mom.
- Get those pits, Stabby, and the bajayjay.
- WASH YOUR MOTHER’S VAGINA, CLOWN PRINCE OF CRIME.
- Shveetheart!
- Look at my schveetheart, so handsome and strong!
- That’s the very funny Gary Gulman, who is a personal friend of mine.
- Love the Gul!
- Best part of the flick so far.
- Leaf has lost his job as a clown simply for bringing a gun to a children’s hospital.
- That doesn’t seem actionable.
- Some childhood cancers, as you know, can be shot to death.
- A HALF-HOUR?
- I’M ONLY A HALF-HOUR IN?
- Flow, my tears.
- The stockbrokers are now harassing the clearly mentally-ill stranger on the train.
- It’s subtle.
- He gonna shoot ’em.
- I’ve seen movies before; I know how they work.
- He shot ’em.
- Told ya.
- Are we meant to sympathize with Leaf?
- The money dudes were assaulting him.
- And, you know, were stockbrokers.
- I’m a “Fire At Will” motherfucker when it comes to stockbrokers.
- Remember, remember the 16th of September.
- But Leaf shot one of those douchebags in the back.
- Which is just not cricket.
- Eh, call it even.
- The guy playing Thomas Wayne is not Alec Baldwin, but could be.
- Like, if you only glanced at the screen.
- Non-white people absolutely could not tell this guy from Alec Baldwin.
- They’re doing a “rich-against-poor” thing now, I guess.
- Funding has been cut for Leaf’s social worker.
- Man, Todd Phillips is really sticking it to the Reagan Administration.
- (So many of our problems stem from that confused asshole and his warmonger Christ-fucking buddies. They slashed every budget but the miltary’s, closed the asylums, shuttered the public hospitals, and sold off the airwaves. Reagan’s in hell, and so is Nancy. She cannot get this month’s Vogue magazine.)
- I think Todd’s bitten off more than he can chew, though.
- Firstly, because his name is “Todd.”
- “Todd” has never made anything better.
- You warn your female friends about “Todd.”
- “Tad” is even worse.
- I’ll straight-up slap a “Tad” on sight.
- ON SIGHT.
- “You’re probably antifa, and I would love to call down the thunder. The thunder, Jewboy!”
- Who the fuck is that?
- “It’s me, Tom Cotton. I’m a Senator, and I want to feel your brains squish underneath my bare feet.”
- Jesus.
- “That’s my thing. It gets my juices simmering.”
- Go away.
- “PRINT MY OPINION OR I CALL IN AN AIRSTRIKE ON YOUR POSITION!”
- Ignoring you.
- Hey, it’s Kid Bruce Wayne.
- Who is not Batman.
- And is, therefore, not punching anyone so hard their chest caves in.
- Which is what I want to see in a comic-book movie.
- Here is the secret about comic books: They are for children and morons.
- Without exception.
- Fuck off with your Maus and your Allan Moore.
- Comic books are men in red and blue underwear punching men in purple and yellow underwear.
- Sometimes, freeze rays come into play.
- It should be noted that I am a child and a moron, and have rewatched the entire MCU over the past few weeks to assuage my anxious terror.
- I like the part when the guy beats up the other guy.
- These are simple morality tales for youngsters.
- Bad person threatens order, so handsome person deploys super-violence.
- For his efforts, the handsome man receives heterosexual love.
- Ohhhhhh.
- Thomas Wayne calls the citizens of Gotham “clowns.”
- I get it.
- Fucking DEEP, man.
- Layers upon layers.
- Good, a riot.
- That’s what I wanna watch right now.
- Stavros Helicopter, I will fuck you for this.
- I’ll fuck you in a way that you’ve never been fucked before.
- I’ll fuck you in a way that you’ll want to be fucked forevermore.
- WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH.
- No one ever sang as sweet as the Girl Groups.
- And it’s under three minutes long.
- Whereas Joker is 2 hours and 10 minutes.
- Three minutes is better.
- How long would you rather take a shit for: three minutes, or two hour?
- I rest my case.
- Ooh, look how crazy Leaf is.
- He is retreating into the fridge, Punky Brewster-style.
- Society has let him down!
- Everyone is so mean to him!
- And I could not care less.
- Fewer?
- Whichever is right.
- When does Paste-Pot Pete get his own movie?
- This is Paste-Pot Pete:
- He had a gun that shot glue, and this enabled him–somehow–to take on the Fantastic Four on several occasions.
- Remember: comic books are for children and morons.
- We could really dig into PPP’s psychology, man.
- What makes Pete tick?
- Maaaaaaaaaan.
- Jake Gyllenhall will star, and he will gain 400 pounds for the role and then drop dead of a heart attack on the first day of shooting; for his sacrifice, he will be nominated for every award in Hollywood, but not win any because he didn’t campaign hard enough.
- Holy shit, he’s already breaking out of Arkham!
- He’s not even technically the Joker yet, and the motherfucker just yeeted himself out of the booby hatch.
- LOCK THE DOORS, ARKHAM STAFF.
- Joker’s adopted?
- What?
- And was molested as a kid?
- WHO ASKED FOR THIS?
- Fuck grim.
- Fuck gritty.
- Not Gritty.
- Gritty is the hero of the working-class, and an agent of chaos, and will one day bear me many terrifying children who will not survive the Carbonite freezing process.
- I’m talking about “grim and gritty.”
- This started in the 1990’s, when every comic book writer decided at the same time, “What if the heroes were miserable pudknockers who hated themselves and the villains were mere psychopaths and everyone was sad?”
- “What would it be like if superheroes existed in the real world?”
- …
- …
- …
- “Maaaaaaaaaaan?”
- And all of these stories were awful, because “superheroes in real life” is an inherently dumb idea.
- People with the power of gods wouldn’t use that power to punch bank robbers.
- And people who like to dress up as clowns and murder entire neighborhoods aren’t really good at making plans.
- They get caught quick.
- Joker would most likely be shot during his first caper.
- After all, the Gotham PD couldn’t tell he was white under the makeup.
- Better safe than sorry!
- Hey, Justin Theroux is in this.
- That guy’s too handsome.
- Good stock, though.
- Literary stock.
- Shouldn’t get to be that handsome when you’re descended from writers.
- How many shots of Leaf dancing in his underwear does this movie contain?
- I have lost count, but I will tell you that the number is too high.
- Not a lot of potato salad, either.
- I would’ve fluffed myself up before the director called “Action.”
- Maybe that’s why I wasn’t in Inherent Vice.
- I never took the craft seriously.
- Not like Leaf.
- Look at this bullshit:
- You are not permitted to assume that posture unless you are a Serious Actor.
- The Academy will come to your Malibu home and confiscate your sex teens.
- All Serious Actors own sex teens.
- Most of Hollywood does, as a matter of fact.
- They’re limber.
- Hey, speaking of sex teens: It’s Gary Glitter!
- First, Gary Gulman.
- Then, Gary Glitter.
- THE MEN HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON OTHER THAN THIS FILM.
- My buddy fucks legal.
- And my buddy fucks hard.
- Legal and hard.
- Like your first year of Law School.
- Or popping a boner during a deposition.
- I’m gonna start start saying “pop a boner” more.
- That phrase is hilarious.
- I think we’re getting to the end, but I cannot be sure because there is no giant blue sky-beam.
- I know how comic book movies work: At the end, there’s a giant blue sky-beam.
- And it’s gotta be stopped!
- Teamwork?
- Teamwork.
- Teamwork will stop the giant blue sky-beam.
- But the Joker has no team.
- He works alone.
- Remember how George Thorogood drank?
- Like that.
- But with more poisoning the reservoir.
- Mark Maron!
- I know that fucker, too.
- I bet that Robert De Niro told him, “Call me Bob,” and then Mark overthought it the rest of the day.
- Sometimes, the most intelligent people are the most predictable.
- Anyway, this scene is stolen from Dark Knight Returns.
- In the original, the host was a David Letterman stand-in, and Joker was drawn to look like Mick Jagger and also he was legitimately scary.
- Look at this bullshit:
- That gave me nightmares as a kid.
- Who wrote this crap?
- Oh, right: the G.G. Allin fan.
- Enthusiasts, I love Old School as much as you do.
- Remember when Will Ferrell went streaking?
- Tee-hee.
- But I don’t trust Todd Phillips, because he’s a G.G. Allin fan, and there’s no one lower.
- That guy was talentless.
- No one has ever received a McArthur Grant for throwing poop and shooting up in a basement, and I agree with the selecting committee’s decision on that one.
- Joker shoots Taxi Driver.
- THE CROSSOVER NO ONE SAW COMING!
- In the comic, Joker fulfills his promise and murders the entire audience.
- Pussy-ass Leaf just shoots Robert De Niro and calls it a day, like a pussy.
- Hey, it’s this shot!
- I know that shot.
- It was in a better movie.
- How is it possible that Cristian Bale’s Cookie Monster voice and Heath Ledger’s Tom Waits impersonation is LESS silly than this film?
- Also, that Batman movie had Batman in it.
- Which is a plus.
- I really don’t wanna see the Joker unless, at some point, Batman is going to knuckle-fuck his skull against a lamppost.
- Oh, fuck right off.
- Seriously, fuck off with this.
- Zorro.
- We’re killing the Waynes now?
- Everyone involved in this movie can shove their heads up their asses and fart.
- And the pearls, too?
- Gimme a break with those damn pearls.
- I don’t need to hear about Uncle Ben, and I don’t need to see the pearls.
- We’ve covered it.
- Let’s move on.
- He’s dancing again.
- Sweet Christmas, he’s dancing again.
- It’s like Black Swan, but without the lesbianism.
- I hated everything about this experience, and fear for the future of our republic.
- Oh, but wait: Maybe it all happened in his head!
- Suck me sideways, Joker.
- I’ll take Leto any day:
- That’s some good Jokerin’.
First off, you’re a better man than I. I got about 7 minutes into this abomination and turned it off.
Secondly, this is the best thing I have read since my third rereading of the Little Aleppo books. Don’t think that it’s going unnoticed.
1. The fact that not just one, but TWO incredibly hammy actors have won Oscars for portraying this particular comic book character is a fine case example of everything that’s wrong with Hollywood and the tastes of people who run and finance the place. I am totally down with the implosion and reconstruction of that industry. Just recently wrote about that on my website.
2. You know how there are certain songs that get stuck in your head and that play over and over again while you are doing certain things that require rhythm and cadence? “Stop the Rock” is one of those for me, especially when cycling, especially when climbing hills. Choice cut.
3. Wait. You DON’T know how there are certain weirdly obsessive songs stuck in your brain on replay during certain activities? Ummmmm. Never mind then.
You might really appreciate this right now. Also, jealous you know Marc Maron.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqpak5lFxvs