Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bob weir (Page 15 of 198)

A Long, Strange Trip

Ah, Christ.

“See, here’s what I did–”

You used Time Sheath technology to go back to the 80’s and retcon yourself into a Hawaiian Shirt Guy.

“Yeah, that’s it.”

Bobby, stop fucking with reality.

“It won’t stop fucking with me.”

Good point.

“I’m full of ’em, man.”

“Boy, you get that dang pervert shirt off right now!”

“Dammit, Huey Lewis, I told you to am-scray.”

“Lewis? I ain’t no Lewis!”

“I’m Hewis Long!”

“Huh. Were you the fellow who wanted to buy everyone chicken and pot?”

“Absolutely not, you drug-soaked wastrel. I am a man of the people!”

“Well, that’s fine. I’m people.”

“I don’t know ’bout that, boy. Next time you come down t’ Louisiana, you gonna have a rough time.”

“Last time I went down to Louisiana, I had a rough time. We, uh, wrote a song about it.”

“I got no idea what you talkin’ about.”

“Went straight to the top of the charts in Turlock.”

I Thought That Friday Was Hawaiian Shirt Day

Oh, no.

“Hey, pal.”

Bobby, please tell me you’re not gonna be a Hawaiian Shirt Guy.

“Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I, uh, changed my latitude–”

Goddammit.

“–and, wouldn’t you know it, I changed my attitude.”

You will not turn into Jimmy Buffett on my watch, buster.

“Here’s the thing: I’m a pirate–”

YOU’RE A COWBOY.

“–and I was, uh, looking at 50.”

50? 50!? You stopped looking at 50 two decades ago.

“I’ve also decided to start lying about my age.”

You’re exhausting.

“Hey, I needed something to do after winning my feud with Huey Lewis.”

“WINNING?”

“You didn’t win shit!”

“SCREWIS YEWIS, HEWIS!”

Boys, boys.

Huey Lewis Doesn’t Deserve This Kind Of Treatment

“All right, that’s it. We’re going outside.”

“Bob, we’re at a press conference.”

“Good! The world needs to know.”

“Know what?”

“You’ll find out. Let’s go, pal. I’m gonna knock the butt off your chin.”

“We’re trying to raise money for AIDS, man.”

“I’ll AIDS you.”

“Nope. Doesn’t make any sense.”

“You are my sworn enemy, Hewis Lewis–”

“Please stop calling me that.”

“–and I’m gonna thump ya. Parking lot time, buddy.”

“I really don’t wanna, Bob.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“What the hell was that?”

“Your cell phone, HuLu.”

“That’s even worse than Hewis. What’s a cell phone?”

“Oh, right. Your band doesn’t have access to Time Sheath technology.”

“I regret ever meeting any of the Grateful Dead. All of you are weirdos.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“How did this thing get in my pocket?”

“Just answer it, and I’ll explain the concept of semi-fictionality to you afterwards.”

“Huey Lewis speaking.”

“Lewis, it’s the President. Do you need backup to fight the hippie?”

“I’ll send Robocop.”

“What the fuck is happening?”

“Dammit, Lewis, you’re gonna lay that hippie filth out. You, son, are what’s good with America, and the fairy next to you is what’s wrong. I’ll bet he’s wearing sandals. I’ll bet you can see his toes. Not you, Lewis. You wear shoes like a man. You lace them up in the morning, and don’t remove them until the day’s work is done. I don’t understand much of the youth music, but I can tell a decent Christian man when I see his haircut.”

“Is this Richard Nixon?”

“It is. Elvis refers to me as ‘Nix.’ You, uh, may not do so.”

“I truly wish I had not become involved with the Grateful Dead.”

“That’s it: I’m sending Robocop.”

Huey, Screwy, And Jewy

“Bob, c’mon. We shouldn’t be fighting.”

“Huh. I wonder how an empty chair can sound so much like Hewis Lewis.”

“Huey isn’t short for Hewis, Bob.

“Oh, and now the chair is correcting me! Wow! What a smart, handsome. Hollywood-calling-back chair that must be!”

“SHUT! UP! GOYIM! I’m trying to hawk some merchandise here!”

“Sorry, Bill.”

“Sorry, Uncle Bobo.”

Big Love: The Lost Season

“Hey, Jer.”

“Yeah, Bob?”

“Given any thought to my idea?”

“Yeah. Lotta thought. And it’s a no. You can’t change your name to Bobby W.”

“Sheila does it.”

“Well, man, I hate to bring up bridges and jumping off them, but the situation does call for it.”

“I gotta do something here, Jer. Can I confide in you, Big Guy?”

“We’ve talked about that nickname and my feelings towards it.”

“It’s just that I’m used to being the good-looking one in the group.”

“Huey’s jawline and baby-blues making you anxious, man?”

“Well, yeah.  I mean: he’s the Bobby of this photo. And that’s weird for me, cuz usually I’m the Bobby.”

“The man ain’t ugly.”

“And if we’re being completely honest: I’m also usually the best athlete in the group. Sure, that’s not tough cuz the group I’m referring to is the Grateful Dead, and I don’t have to tell you that our band is full of spazzes.”

“Not an athletically-inclined combo.”

“But here I am with Joe Montana. And it turns out that Huey used to play minor-league baseball. So, I’m third-best at best.”

“Well, hey, man: I’m fifth. Don’t be bitching about your troubles to me.”

“I’m not even the best guitarist here!”

“Weir?”

“What?”

“Look at me, buddy.”

“What?”

“You have the best hair here.”

“I’ve been using a new leave-in conditioner.”

“You can tell.”

“There’s a gloss that wasn’t previously evident.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Thanks, Big Guy.”

“Not gonna warn you again about that shit, man.”

This FaceApp Thing Is Out Of Hand

“Who’s this jamoke?”

“This? He’s, uh, Top of the Pops. Tom of the Dell. Something in that neighborhood. He writes about us.”

“Seems squirrely. Want me to bop him?”

“No, no. He’s okay.”

“I got my knife. I could saw through his achilles tendon real easy.”

“Overkill. Parish, he’s fine.”

“I got my eye on him.”

“Why do you think I’m so relaxed?”

“Parish?”

“Yuh-huh?”

“What, uh, exactly is going on with you and that blonde guitarist who’s young enough to be your granddaughter?”

“Purely Platonic.”

“Ah.”

“In the sense that Plato was Greek, and so I meant we only do anal.”

“Ah.”

A Challenge To John Mayer

Dear John,

Hi. How are you? I’m fine. It is very hot here, and there are iguanas everywhere. The animals will not take to befriendment. If you’ve ever met an iguana, you know what I mean!

Anyhoo.

You’re a coward, Meyers. You’re a toe-dippin’ son of a bitch. You fear the depths, my butt-chinned friend, and instead float atop the waters. It’s a low quality in a man. It’s the reason Steve Aoki doesn’t return your texts. He can smell a dilettante a mile away; everyone knows that about Aoki. You dabble. You’re a nibbler. Dude, you’re Cliff’s notes.

You think wearing Madonna Tee-Shirt makes your bones, Meyers? Not on my watch. Not even on your stupidly-expensive watch. You wanna impress us?

You go Full Bobby, or you got no balls, Meyers. Do it. You wanna. You know you wanna. You’re dying to do it, so do it. Release him. Release all of him. Go Full Bobby.

Only then, can you truly become New Bobby.

Sincerely,
ToTD, DDS

Plays Central Park About A Quarter To Nine

The rarest (and scariest) Billy of them all: Shirtless Billy.

OR

“Are we all playing red guitars, man? It’s gonna look like we planned it.”

“Ah, the dummies out there will hardly notice.”

“I’ve, uh, also got my shirt off.”

OR

The scariest (and rarest) of all possible Mickeys: Mustache Mickey.

OR

Picture courtesy of the great Jesse Jarnow, who wrote about this show (6/22/69) in his outstanding book Heads: A Biography of Psychedelic America, which you should buy and read. You can also listen to the afternoon’s offering via a two song SBD (which is crappy) or a full-ish show AUD (which is also crappy).

OR

Ramrod’s Little Orphan Annie afro is always so easy to pick out in a group shot.

OR

This is the Naumburg Bandshell in Central Park. Martin Luther King once gave a speech there, but did not play Dark Star. WINNER: Grateful Dead.

For The Enthusiasts Not On Twitter*

Josh Meyers has donned what is certainly a vintage tee-shirt–not a newly-printed replica like some disgusting poor person might buy–from Madonna’s 1987 Who’s That Girl tour.

(FUN FACT: In support of her third album, True Blue (which had Papa Don’t Preach, Open Your Heart, Live To Tell, the title track, AND La Isla fucking Bonita on it), Madonna’s tour lasted 38 shows and made her $25 million; the Dead played 86 shows in 1987, and made about the same. Plus, Madonna didn’t have to split the dough with five other guys. On the other hand, Madonna didn’t go on tour and earn $25 million in 1988, whereas the Dead did. On another hand, Madonna continues to perform as she didn’t die too young, and in a strange bed. On word to your mother hand, Madonna has gotten sad. On Dr. Joyce Brothers’ hand, all the great ones get sad. Remember Dick Cavett prompting Groucho through his old bits, and Groucho was just tired and sparse and gray? Madonna’s like that now, but with more environmentalism. Hands, man. Got a lotta hands involved here.)

That paragraph became incoherent.

Dude, you can’t hear me when I’m in parentheses. It’s an aside to the audience.

It’s not. 

I’m going back to my point, which is non-essential. At best, this piece of information is classified as “non-essential.” If you had to evacuate, you would leave this knowledge behind. Yet, here we are:

Josh is, of course, paying tribute to one of the most storied of all the Bobby Shirts, Madonna Tee-Shirt. Bobby wore this on 7/26/87 at Anaheim Stadium, along with his most famous shorts:

It was an iconic night for all of us.

Occupying the Pantheon along with Snake Tee-Shirt, Pink Polo, and others, Madonna Tee-Shirt instantly became a fan favorite, and by that I mean everyone made fun of Bobby and some people were angered. The word “faggy” was thrown about quite a bit, I’d imagine. Younger Enthusiast, remember that this was 1987, and irony hadn’t been invented yet. At least not wide-scale dissemination of it, and definitely not in shirt form. (That was my generation. We did that in the 90’s. We came up with the concept of wearing shirts with lame shit on them. That was Generation X. We did literally nothing else, but the shirt thing was ours.) Tee-shirt fronts were for sincerity. To wear the shirt of an unloved band was simply unthinkable. It was 1987, and there was no difference between one and one’s shirt.

How could Bobby wear that shirt, man? Moochie had a bad trip from that shit. Her forthright sexuality freaked Moochie out! Tell him, Moochie!

“…”

See!?

Deadheads were aghast at that bullshit, Younger Enthusiasts! Madonna? Madonna? Deadheads prided themselves on their catholic tastes in music, as long as they got to define “music” as “a noise made by a handful of shaggy white guys.” Madonna made music–if one could call it that–for other people. Girls, mostly. Sensitive boys. And morons, let’s face it. If the general public were intelligent, then the ’83 Lake Placid Sugaree would be #1 on the Pop charts this week, but the public are drunken fools, and so the newest slurry from Post Malone is #1.

A Deadhead could not consort with the Whore of Detroit, it simply wasn’t done. A Deadhead could be into metal, sure. Or complicated jazz. Or the right kind of country, maybe. A Deadhead might listen to all sorts of unpleasant foreign bullshit, especially if Mickey mentioned it once in an interview.

But Madonna?

It simply wasn’t done.

 

 

Oh, yeah: Bobby got the shirt directly from Madonna when he met her two years after he wore the shirt onstage. No one knows why Bobby used Time Sheath technology to perform at a rainforest benefit with Debi Mazar, but he did.

 

 

*Good decision, by the way. The common euphemism for Twitter is a “cesspool,” but I do not believe Twitter lives up the those lofty standards. A cesspool, you will note, keeps the shit in.; it doesn’t let the poison seep out and contaminate the surrounding world. Twitter fails at this task. Another difference is that a cesspool is a necessary item we all like to ignore, whereas Twitter is unnecessary and we can’t stop staring at it. I can do this all fucking day, Enthusiasts. Twitter is killing us all.

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