Tag: donald trump (Page 19 of 32)

26 BC, ASTURICA, HISPANIA

“General Trumpicus, I see you’re looking swollen. Welcome to camp. The Cantabrians mass along the ridge.”

“Who we fighting here? Calrissians?”

“Cantabrians.”

“Bad guys! Let’s go, let’s do something. We’re gonna attack biglius.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to take some time to assess the situation?”

“Forget the little shit. Trumpicus is an action general.”

“Yes, sir. Your orders?”

“Have the left flank fight the right flank.”

“Sir?”

“And I want you to shoot arrows at the supply lines.”

“Theirs?”

“Ours. The supply line is disloyal.”

“That’s not an optimal idea, Trumpicus.”

“Priebus, who’s general here?”

“You, for some reason.”

“That’s right. What is the press saying about me?”

“Nothing, sir.”

“Why not?”

“It’s 26 BC. The concept of ‘press’ doesn’t exist yet.”

“Do the legions love me?”

“You just got here, but they already have their doubts.”

“Take away their healthcare.”

“Again, sir: 26 BC. There is no healthcare.”

“Take away their swords and tell ’em they’re sissies.”

“Are you trying to fuck this up?

“IVth LEGION!”

“Sir, stop yelling.”

“ATTACK IXth LEGION!”

“Don’t do that! Please, don’t! Sir, we need the legions to work together.”

“I like to promote competition. Besides, I heard some sergeants in the IXth talking about me.”

“The soldiers will do that. Raucous sense of humor in the legion.”

“Have all the sergeants executed.”

“That would be counter-productive, sir.”

“Why aren’t we attacking? We should be attacking.”

“We need a plan, sir. There’s the old one left by your predecessor.”

“Obamanus? Bad plan! Sick plan. Bad guy, no good plan.”

“It’s not a bad plan, sir.”

“We can come up with something better. What if everyone panics and fights for himself?”

“Terrible plan.”

“That’s what we’re going with, great, wonderful. Some of these larger structures are going to need to be set on fire.”

“Oh, Trumpicus.

The Reichstag, Feburary 1933

“Anyone see us?”

“No, we’re good. Okay, burn it down.”

“What? Me?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought you had the matches.”

“You were supposed to bring them.”

“The matches were your responsibility.”

“Well, do you have a lighter?”

“I have a vape pen.”

“That doesn’t help.”

“What if we break the windows?”

“You can’t start World War II by breaking windows, jackass.”

Sarajevo, June 1914

“There he is.”

“No.”

“I see him.”

“Not him.”

BANG!

“I shot the archduke!”

“No, you didn’t! That’s just a regular duke.”

“No.”

“Do you mean to tell me you don’t know the difference between a duke and a archduke?”

…

“I just assumed–”

“GodDAMNit!”

“–they’d be much more physically dissimilar.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Who’d I shoot?”

“No idea.”

“Is this gonna start World War I?”

“Almost certainly not.”

Spain, 1478

“What do you mean ‘You lost the Jews?'”

“They were right here in the ghetto last time I looked.”

“They’re not here now.”

“Which is odd, because I told them to be up bright and early today for the Inquisition.”

“You told them about it!?”

“You don’t want to just spring the Spanish Inquisition on someone who isn’t expecting it.”

“THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU DO!”

“Doesn’t seem sporting.”

“Regardless. We now have no Jews. To whom will we make our inquiries?”

“It’s almost like our boundless enthusiasm for evil is outmatched by our infinite capacity for incompetence.”

“Almost.”

It should be noted that the following dialogue is both hypothetical and satirical in nature.

Should Trump be dosed?

No.

Well, that settles it.

It does.

It doesn’t. Defend your position.

I will argue first the categorical imperative, and then the historiochemical precedent.

Ooh. Calling your shots like Babe Ruth.

This ain’t my first rodeo.

Proceed.

Before I begin my arguments, I will first note that you shouldn’t do it because it’s, like, 100 years in federal prison.

So noted for the record.

The categorical: dosing people is wrong. It’s putting something in someone without their consent. It’s chemical rape.

But he sucks so bad.

Totally with you there, but a good deal of the reason for his suckiness is that he does stuff to people without their consent. This is a “two wrongs don’t make a right” situation.

Is there any situation in which dosing someone is acceptable?

Not a priori. The dosee can forgive the doser afterwards, but there’s never a time when it’s a moral act in and of itself.

What if you’ve got a bunch of friends who like dosing each other?

Then there’s an ongoing implied consent, and that would be fine. The group dosing strangers, however, would still be immoral.

What if a Grateful Dead doses you?

Like, Phil slips something in your grilled cheese at TXR?

Yeah.

Okay, there’s like one exception.

That would be awesome.

Totally.

But, Jesus: wouldn’t a little acid help? Couple thousand micrograms to shoot the evil out of the fucker?

And now we come to the second argument, which is historiochemical in nature.

Did you make that word up?

Obviously, but it’s self-explanatory. This whole “dose Trump” nonsense is based upon an unbelievably shaky premise: LSD turns people good.

That’s a bit glib.

Is it? Someone’s gonna give the Turnip a great wallop of tie-dye juice, and the next morning he’s gonna be in sandals converting us to solar energy?

A little.

Right. You know who took a shitload of acid?

I have a feeling your example is not going to be a kind and loving man.

He was a family man.

Manson?

Manson. Know who else?

Who?

Steve fucking Bannon. People want to dose the nasty fatso to make him compassionate? Well, the nasty fatso sitting right next to him ate as much acid as the next Deadhead, and he’s a literal monster. Nothing about this idea makes any sense.

It would be fun to watch, though.

It would be the Pay-Per-View event of the century. Still not right.

Aw.

Sorry, buddy.

African Development Foundation I would suppose this helps Africa in its development.

Appalachian Regional Commission Without Research doesn’t mean I can’t half-remember stuff I read in the paper: this is for poor people who live in hollers with black lung and whatnot. As you might assume, the area has a Republican representative and he couldn’t have gotten on the phone to the reporter fast enough to say that the budget was unacceptable. This will be a theme.

Chemical Safety Board Clearly nonessential.

Corporation for National and Community Service No idea at all, but it certainly sounds noble. Why is a government agency a corporation, though?

Corporation for Public Broadcasting I don’t get why this is a corporation, either. I’m sticking to Without Research, but I think PBS is some sort of public/private scheme that combines the worst features of both worlds. Big Bird. Fucking Big Bird, man.

Delta Regional Authority This the same as the Appalachian thing, but for the Mississippi Delta. If you were to have a poverty-off, Appalachia and the Mississippi Delta would make the quarter-finals. (Indian Reservations will always win the poverty-off.)

Denali Commission The SUV or the mountain? If it’s the car, then I agree with the budget. If it’s the mountain, I do not.

Institute of Museum and Library Services Museums and fucking libraries. No more museums and libraries so we can go from having the largest military the world’s ever seen to a little bit more than that.

Inter-American Foundation Is the government looking inside my skin and bones? I did not consent to that, Mister Government. Get your foundation out from inside of this American. I hope the Allfather cuts your money off, and then your noses.

U.S. Trade and Development Agency I would imagine this agency is tasked with promoting American goods and services all over the world, and upon cheating and googling it, I am right.

Legal Services Corporation Fuck it: I looked this one up, too. Lawyers for the poor. Everyone go to their nearest railroad tracks and check for women tied down by the Trump Administration. We’re ten minutes away from Trump donning a black cloak and retelling the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise.

National Endowment for the Arts The fucking arts!

National Endowment for the Humanities The fucking humanities!

Neighborhood Reinvestment Corporation Another corporation. I totally don’t get it. Does it have to do with how the organization is structured? And here’s the scary question: you think Turnip’s got any idea, either?

Northern Border Regional Commission Wall.

Overseas Private Investment Corporation Okay, I looked this one up, too, and it seems like a CIA front.

United States Institute of Peace What’s the budget for the Institute of Peace? Twenty grand a year? Do they even get a building, or do they have to meet in Starbucks and steal the WiFi? Is the Institute of Peace also the Grateful Dead Ticketing Office? This cut is just pure, petty spite; I can’t imagine anything meaner and smaller than this.

United States Interagency Council on Homelessness I stand corrected.

Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars Wilson was a racist prick and a loser, so I might be okay with this one, too. On the other hand, if scholars do not exist, then I can’t make fun of them. Solution: Barack Obama International Center for Scholars.

• Snacks in Backpacks.
• BLT’s on ATV’s.
• Peking Duck by Leaking Truck.
• Subway on the Subway.
• Feasts on Beasts. (Pizzas strapped to bears; bears set loose in old age homes.)
• Delicatessen from a Pedestrian.
• Scones from Drones.
• Fags in Bags. (This is a British program that brings cigarettes to the housebound; I don’t know why we’re paying for it, and I salute Allfather Trump for cutting it.)
• Egg Béarnaise on Segways.
• Lamb Blintzes in Ambulances.
• Gyros from Gyros. (Old-timey helicopters throw Greek food at old people from 500 feet up.)
• Hotpot by Slingshot.