That’s Doctor Pope To You

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a doing science.”

Castle Gondolfo has a lab?

“We-a got everything here. Lab-a, pool-a, bocce courts-a.”

You got bocce courts, too?

“Si. Someone been-a pooping on them.”

That’s going around.

“I-a think Benedict is-a doing it. He’s-a bored.”

Yeah?

“He-a whine ‘I-a gotta nothing to-a do.’ You know-a what he got up-a to? Da Twitter!”

Oh, no.

“Used to be-a da Pope, now he’s-a da troll. He-a call people cucks.”

Oh, no.

“His-a avatar is-a da Trump.”

That makes a lot of sense from what I remember about the guy.

“Had to take-a his phone away. He start-a yelling about-a da First Amendment.”

I’m pretty sure the U.S. Constitution doesn’t apply to Popes.

“That’s-a what I say! So now he gotta no phone. What he do? Benedict, he goes out-a to da plaza. Take-a da picture with-a da tourist.”

Well, that sounds nice, actually.

“Then he-a shake them-a down for money.”

Wow.

“He’s-a aggressive about it, too.”

Like those guys in Times Square.

“Si. Like-a da Fake Elmo.”

Not a good look for a former Pontiff.

“Then he-a try to sell-a his mix tape.”

This is outrageous, Your Holiness.

“Si, si. Plus, I-a think he’s-a up to shenanigans.”

What do you mean?

“When-a he walk through the crowd, he-a say, ‘Doses, doses.’ You know-a what that mean?”

Um, no. No, I don’t.

“I-a check Urban Dictionary or-a something.”

You really are a Pope for 2016.

“Except-a for my core beliefs, si.”